When a comfort test comes manipulation

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December 22, 2017

Edit* When a comfort test comes with manipulation - Title error

I've been getting a lot of this lately. The why is something I'm working on, but that's not why I'm here.

What is the best RP approach to these situations? I've said before that I'm not against giving comfort, but I will not be manipulated into it. Wife, brother, mother, in-laws or the gas station attendant...doesn't matter. To me, it boils down to self respect.

I'm also aware I'm not an RP guru and I'm hoping, if there is any insight on these situations, that I will learn something new to get to a new stage. Or maybe refusing to give in is the best course of action for ourselves when this happens?

Shed some light on me, brothers.

Post Information
Title When a comfort test comes manipulation
Author BostonBrakeJob
Upvotes 6
Comments 34
Date 22 December 2017 08:02 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205037
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7lg2tr/when_a_comfort_test_comes_manipulation/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
comfort test

[–]freshona8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shed some light on the comfort test that comes with manipulation.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Be specific and give some examples or we can’t help

[–]hystericalbonding3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Newbies don't get comfort tests.

I'll be charitable and say that maybe it was a shitty comfort test. This thread explains the ideas behind it.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Comfort tests happen when you're so alpha that she's starting to get paranoid that you're cheating on her or thinking about leaving her for another woman. You'll know you're being comfort tested because she'll be blowing you and fucking you with great enthusiasm for a while only to collapse in frustration and anxiety, confessing that she feels like it's "never enough for you" or that she feels "inadequate". Those are comfort tests.

This is what was happening about a month before these shitty comfort tests started, though I won't self proclaim to be "so alpha". The dread is intensified by the gap in SMV between me and wife though, mine being much higher.

Exhaustion set in again and I backed off, tbh. When these start happening I need to check myself and see if I'm progressing, or standing still.

All in all, I can see the part I played in coming back to this spot and what I will do differently moving forward. Honestly, I almost deleted the post when I seen it was going to turn into a breakdown of the "event" itself. But there has been a lot of good advice on the bigger picture, and am definitely glad I left it up and gave the example. The links you shared are part of that good advice. I appreciate it.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

They all are

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

When a comfort test comes manipulation <-- We all know what you're thinking about, Mr. Freudian slip.

I'll wait to see if you give a example of your comfort test.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It says comes, not cums. But now I'm thinking about it....dammit.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The chance of you having a comfort test in the beginning is very very unlikely. Usually she is trying to guilt/manipulate you back to the status quo. /u/hystericalbonding posted a very good article written by one of the original MRP people.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's almost like there's a book on it?

Manipulation comes from people getting you to judge your own actions. Only you can judge your actions.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I just posted a reply to BobbyP with more detail. Maybe that'll clear up what I'm asking.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Manipulation means you fear a consequence. Why do you fear a consequence?

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (18 children) | Copy

Like others said, not much we can do without examples. My guess is you’re misinterpreting.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (17 children) | Copy

I get home from work/gym. Offshift, so it's 12:30 am at this point. Wife is wrapping x-mas presents, I stand and talk to her about our days and fill out the "to/from" labels as she's wrapping. She asks if I'm going to wrap presents. I say not tonight.

Several minutes goes by, she's shitty, I'm indifferent. "Why didn't you help me wrap presents?" The tone was a mother talking to her child, textbook WISNIFG manipulation.

"I just don't want to right now."

She goes off about how it'll never get done and blah blah blah (admittedly, I did kind of zone out during all this. Who knows what all she said) then another "why didn't you help?"

"[chuckling at this point] I didn't know I needed a reason, I just don't want to."

Later we're in bed, she starts in with the "x-mas is only 4 days away, it would've never gotten done had it not blah blah blah...[then the comfort test] I jus....I just thought it'd be nice if we would've wrapped the presents together this year. [Followed up with more shitty blah blah blahs]. So you tell me when it would get done if I didn't do it tonight."

"The same way it gets done every year."

That was about it for the interaction.

I'm no newbie, I knew enough to recognize the manipulative questions, the comfort seeking, and that using logic would've been pointless...it wasn't about the presents. Like I said, I'm not here for the "why's", I'm open to the "what you should've done" sugestions, but I'm good with how I handled it, this time.

What I genuinely want to know is, is it good RP practice to, essentially, ignore the shitty behavior and address the comfort test? Or give no comfort until overall behavior shifts to something less shitty?

[–]Tebulus5 points6 points  (12 children) | Copy

That was a shit test, not a comfort test. Comfort test would be if she was crying about it, or feeling overwhelmed and needing you to stabilize her. Sounds to me like shes just pissed because you're not owning your shit and when called upon it you demonstrated no planning or logistical awareness and failed to convince her otherwise. Also keep in mind if you're new to RP that responses like "The same way it always gets done" is just going to confirm to her your failure to lead because shes probably feeling like "Yeah no shit the way it always gets done, I do it you lazy motherfucker". Its 3 days before christmas and women play a huge social role around the holidays. This shit should have been done weeks ago which makes it your fault.

You're just misinterpreting shit tests as comfort tests. Does she seem anxious, fearful or clingy when she's testing you? Those are usually comfort tests. But if she's needy, whiny, complaintive, snarky, or demanding, even if it's not directly aimed at you, then it's probably a shit test.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

The problem with what both you and u/straius are saying is that for the last 11 years I've done it myself on x-mas eve after the kids go to bed. She's had 11 offers to join me, and she has done her own thing 11 times. No biggy. I eat Santa's cookies, dumo the milk down the drain, pour myself a glass of whiskey and get to wrapping. It's my own little tradition. Some years I've even finished up and done the ol Mr. & Mrs. Clause roleplay...made her my ho ho ho.

My question isn't "why was she acting like this" though.

I'm looking for insight on what manipulative questions/statements, followed by a sign of comfort seeking, then wrapped up in more manipulative questions/statements really is? Is it just shitty communication on her part, for comfort? Is it ALL manipulative?

My approach last night, and over the last several months has been to take it ALL as manipulative and give zero comfort. No hugs, kisses, ass slaps....nothing.

If I hear the comfort seeking, and take everything else for nothing more than a bunch of noise, and show some comfort based on that...then I'm training her to behave that way everytime she wants comfort for whatever she's feeling anxious about. That's my thinking behind it, and if that's correct then I'll give myself a gold star when I get home. But if I'm missing something, I want to learn from it.

[–]Chinchilla_the_Hun2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Sounds like you could've benefited from some AM in the moment, to draw attention to and dismantle her covert communication.

If this is truly the first year she's taken part in wrapping (let alone the initiative to do it in advance of your standing tradition) then her ongoing "noise" is just typical, drawn-out womanese for "look at me, I'm actually helping this year. geez, what a chore this is."

[–]beta_no_mo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


"Look at me doing what you haven't done yet, never mind that I've never bothered to give a shit before"

Classic narcissism

[–]straius1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

This is a lot of missing context that should have been in the initial post.

One way to distinguish manipulations from honest communications is that a manipulative communication usually revolves around changing your behavior or prodding you to a specific action.

Honest communication is usually more centered around how someone feels about something.

People are obviously more complicated than that but that covers a large swath of it.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

True. I was just trying to get to the point and avoid a wall of text. Now the details are scattered throughout the comments...backfire lol

Would I be fighting a losing battle to lead her, or any woman for that matter, to more honest communication when it's comfort they're looking for, if this is the way they currently do it?

I truely believe, due to anxiety and self-esteem issues, that she was looking for comfort. The details backing that statement up would be the biggest wall of text there's ever been. YUGE wall. The biggest. lol I may be wrong, and that misread would be mine to bear. But, given everything I know about her past, I think it boils down to learning shit communication methods at home as a child and defaulting to them now as an adult.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

What was she like in the morning?

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Back to normal

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Then not an issue of passing/failing a comfort/shit test. It's quite simply you not having a strong enough frame. This is why you care about something that doesn't even matter to her. (Hense her back to normal state in the AM)

You knew you were right when she started dropping shit on you. From what I gather, you failed this test through your subcommunication. Albeit not a total crash of frame, but enough to make her smell weakness and come back at you with the same shit next time.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're spot on with the subcommunication. It is still annoying to me, like when a toddler throws a tantrum. And when my toddler throws a tantrum I just leave the room until he's done, then come back and go from there.

I'm also not really concerned with how she views it. Whether it looks like butthurt or another form of weakness. I know I'm withdrawing bc it's annoying and clearly no fun conversation will be had. And I know from experience that the more fun I poke at it, the moe rialed she gets...and I end up heading off to do something else anyway. So leaving the room til the tantrum is done is my go to, there's plenty else I can do to keep myself busy/entertained.

This is stunting my growth, I'm just not sure how to change my view on a behavior that is vicerally annoying. Especially when I have such an easy time leaving its presence.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

It escalated because you weren't present in your interactions with her. She doesn't care if you're not helping to wrap presents, she cares that you came home from the gym, made small talk, acted indifferent to her stress, and basically ignored her pain. Then her hamster went into overdrive.

Next time, come home, be conscious of your breathing, look her in the eye, smile, relax your shoulders, and give her a kiss. She should relax a bit because you give the air of "I'm here". If she really needs help, wrap a couple presents with her. Be playful and flirty and then bang her. Give her the gift of your presence.

[–]straius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That line was not a comfort test, just a minor guilt trip.

She wanted help and you failed to give her a window where she could expect to get it.

You could have either decided to buckle down and help get it done that night or set a time the next day you would and given her a plan so she could let it go as a concern.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Red mountain pill diagnosis of the escalation and his overall prescription is correct. Let me expand on the initial interaction. It was a shitty comfort test as a result of you not meeting her covert contract that you would join her when you got home from work.

Your supplemental information tells the tail. For whatever reason you always took care of Christmas and she didn’t have time for this with YOU. Now that your a valuable man, she wants in on the game BUT on her terms.

Your choices were to join her or assertively tell her you’d love to wrap together on Christmas Eve.

I would have follows RMP advice and then lead her to finish on Eve because you just got back from work.

The larger message is you must always be killing your ego so as to not seize defeat from the jaws of victory.

I’m curious on your take on how you got to 11 years of by yourself. This may shed some light on the roots of her power play.

Stay fluid my friend.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I’m curious on your take on how you got to 11 years of by yourself. This may shed some light on the roots of her power play.

It was a thing my dad always did, and so I thought it'd be a cool little tradition to keep going for myself when we had our first son. I've asked every year, but she has always opted to lay down and watch tv. I'm amazed at the OI I've had over the years on her joining me, looking back. I had covert contracts out the ass back then lol

I was planning on wrapping her gift this morning anyway. Last day before the holidays that I could do it without her being around to peek. I wrapped a few more while I had the shit out and told her later to leave at least 2 unwrapped so we could mix up a cocktail when the kids go to bed and wrap the last 2 together. She, as I, seemed pretty happy with that compromise.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Everytime I get a comfort test in my mouth, it blows its load prematurely, then says “the checks in the mail....”

Just in case you have not taken notes and reviewed them, all interactions with the human race will be manipulative, especially with the ones running around with pussy.

How about that boss at work. Especially the dumb fuck that makes promises on your back but is so fucking stupid he tells you the day before shit is due ? Ya. It happens 24/7

Frame. Frame. Can’t say it enough.

Like I tell my 12 year old. Just because so and so is going to jump off a cliff .....

Seriously , step back, and take note, unless you are operating in your “frame” you are subject to manipulation. Just like shopping with a list

The reason this is coming out is because you are identifying it for what it is but it’s not always about comfort. But it is always about manipulation.

So what model, make, year, smart phone do you own ? What drove you to buy it ?

Now as for comfort tests- mom daughter, sister kiss on the forehead, hug - quick. Remember, they know what buttons to push, because they put them there, a long time ago

SO, LTR - a comforting word or two with humor, hug , kiss. Then back to your shit.

Don’t ever give the impression you are ok with shitty behavior, or you aren’t going anywhere. It needs to be an unwritten, unspoken rule and emitted from your skin, you have options. AKA abundance A little comfort goes a long way.

With the SO it’s not really just about you giving comfort in this journey. It’s also about time, touch and feel. She truly needs to feel she can reach out and get comfort when she feels the need.

Does an SO really want to manipulate a red pill aware, leading man ? One that she can trust ?

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You seemed to have picked up on what I was here for better than anyone else so far. I did post a reply to BobbyP with the details, but I will come back to this when I have more free time. There are a few things that jumped out at me in your response.

[–]BostonBrakeJob[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Don’t ever give the impression you are ok with shitty behavior, or you aren’t going anywhere.

When it happens, this is all it boils down to for me. My hang up was, I connected this to self-respect. But I'm also all too aware that the ego can be a tricky snake to tame. Had someone said "drop your ego, it's just noise. sort through it, be the oak and give her what she needs if you are good with giving it." I would've known to go back on an ego-killing spree.

She truly needs to feel she can reach out and get comfort when she feels the need.

Reading this made me realize, this shit always happens when I've been swapped in work and home projects. I need to find a better balance.

Thanks for the insight man!

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


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