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Back to Start

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October 19, 2017
7 upvotes

Its been about 4 weeks since my last post, where the tension between my wife and me reached a point, where we couldn't stand each other, and we decided on trial separation. The past 9 months of being here, did nothing to improve our marriage, and on some level the tension became worse between us. I have made progress physically, mentally, emotionally (or so I thought...)

During the trial separation I was away from the house for 3 days/2nights. I had time to think, and think, and think. Our marriage has been rocky for most of our time together, about 2 yrs into our relationship (together 14yrs), my wife's parents became against us being together, and over time, removed their time, attention and love from my wife, and made her and our lives miserable. I tried to "fix" things, to no avail. My wife also became very cold/harpy/resentful person, particularly past few years, its is what brought me here (and unsatisfactory sex life), and also what made me drag her to counselling over the past few years.

I spent a whole day writing out things that I was not happy with: in my wife, myself, our marriage. All up 17 pages. Next day I looked over the list, and thought, way too many things I have a problem with in my wife. I went over the list, and boiled it down to 1 item. She has become unhappy/miserable/harpy b***h (exactly like her mother), and I was not going to live with someone like that. We talked about it many times in the past, I blamed it on emotional abuse (by her mother), my wife was saying maybe its genetic that she is that way. Regardless, this had to change, either medication, professional help or we are done.

I spent 2nd day, rehashing the same thoughts in my head, and tried to talk it out with a friend (natural alpha, with 100% frame), I kept complaining, and whinging, he kept asking me "what do you want?", I kept saying, "I can't keep going like this" , we kept going in circles. He also kept telling me "she is not going to change, she hasn't change over past 14 yrs, she will be who she is", and then he said " may be she wants you to finish it, if that is the case, be a man, and you do it", that really stuck in my head. I could not get it out of my head whole night.

Next morning, i sat down with my list, and started reading it, then picked up a pen, and started commenting on each point: ego, hamster, butthurt. Everything on those 17 pages, was nothing but my ego/hamster going in circles. I also realized, everything I have written here in MRP in the past 9 months, was ego/hamster, all of it..... (if I ever catch that fucken rodent...) I was having a moment of clarity... May be my wife is unhappy/miserable/harpy b***h, is a symptom, that she is deeply unhappy. May be she is deeply unhappy, is because of me...... I realized, I have been blaming relationship problems on my wife, and been trying to "fix" her. I can't fix this relationship, I can't fix who my wife is. I can only work on me, become me, and shape my life how I want it, that is all I have power over. She owes me nothing, and could leave today, or tomorrow, or cheat, and I can't stop her. I have read it here sooo many times, and only now it really clicked.

I came home that night, and we sat down to talk. My wife had a list of her own, usual stuff: we are not on the same page, we should schedule a weekly meet to talk, may be see someone etc.etc. I STFU, and only took a couple of notes.

If I am going to be the center of my universe, I have to speak with "I". So when it was my turn, I told her I feel a lot of coldness around her, I feel unloved, I feel resented, undesired, disrespected, and most of all disliked. I told her, I understand that she is like that, because of years of me being weak and pathetic, especially when she needed me the most. I told her if I was a stronger man, I would have ended this relationship years ago. I told her past 9 months I have been focusing on improving me, and becoming a better version of myself, whether she likes it or not. I have been working on my social anxiety, and she said she always noticed how awkward I am in social situations but chose not to say anything, and how she finds it attractive when a man is assertive. I told her I exercise, because I want to stay healthy, and strong, and she said, she noticed my arms getting bigger, and she finds men with muscular arms attractive. I told her I do things around the house, because that is how I want it to be, not to rub in her nose that she hasn't done something. I told her, sex has been a form of validation for me, and I do get butthurt some times when she says no, so I told her, I will not be initiating for 3 months. Her first question was, what if she feels like sex, can we still have sex?? We talked some more, and in the end she said, she was shocked and relieved at what I said. She said, it explains how and why she has been feeling a certain way towards, me. She said, she felt like a whole load has been taken of her shoulders. I told her, going forward, my number 1 priority will be our kids, and then my own needs. I told her 2 broken people can not make a healthy relationship, and we need to take care of our own needs first, and then we can see if we actually like each other.

That night, when we got into bed, she jumped on me, and wanted to fuck. She wanted it deep and fast, and I have never seen her like that. To be honest, I struggled to keep up with her that night... That night I realized that she is probably AWALT, that I am not even close to being "man" enough to bring out her good qualities (instead of all the shit qualities), we also have too much history between us, and she may never be able to see me as the right "man". Lastly, I don't know if I even like her enough, that is the thought I think I have been avoiding for years, instead of facing the reality of who/how she is, I tried to change her, "fix" her issues, push her in the right direction. I accept now, that I married the first reasonable woman I dated, and for the past 10+yrs, was getting frustrated with her, for not being perfect, not living up to my fantasy or my expectations. I came here, thinking finally I found the solution, all I have to do: is loose some weight, gain some muscles, and read a few books, and everything will fall into place, she will turn into a sweet, sex loving, wonderful woman.

As some of you said before, I have to go back to the start. STFU, lift, sidebar, from beginning. I am a career beta, this post is about me, and I have a long way to go... Only now I am starting to see the layers on my ego, the fears, and insecurities that I masked with excuses.

I am training now for me, to feel better about myself, to like who I see in the mirror, to build more self-confidence, before I was running out of the house, because MRP said I have to be busy. I am now taking my time with everything, with reading, with exercises, with everything, and letting it get absorbed, instead of getting through everything as quickly as possible, so I can tick it off. Not initiating sex, is taking pressure off me, and I can work on my validation issues, its something I will have to face again, but hopefully from a different mindset. It has also become easier to deal with my wife. I finally saw how deep in her frame I was (and probably still am ....), how scared I was of rocking the boat, how everything was a covert contract. Having that moment of realization, that I have to be me, whether she likes it or not, accepting that she owes me nothing, and can walk out any day - has made it easier to say no to her, to stand my ground, and not put up with her BS.

The stay plan, is the same as go plan - I have read it so many times here, but now it makes a lot more sense.

The main reason I put up this post, is to solidify my thoughts, while I still remember that moment of clarity. Also, if any of you catch me hamstering again, point me to this post, and kick my ass twice as hard.


Post Information
Title Back to Start
Author 223552
Upvotes 7
Comments 17
Date 19 October 2017 09:34 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205260
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/77hk8d/back_to_start/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
butthurtalphabetaAWALTframehamsterliftassertivecovert contractclose
Comments

[–]mrpthrowa8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

probably still am

Yup.

You're making progress. But still deep in her frame, you are.

You need your own mission.

[–]classic7291 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Those last five words really resonated with me. It’s been rolling around in my brain for a couple days. Made me think about giving medical school a serious run and improving my MCAT scores before applying. Like.... damn. Those were some inspiring words.

[–]470_2_700_nm6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

This was an ok post until I got to the huge fuck up a conversation where you talked and talked. Do more, say less. Great you had some good sex but that’s just a hysterical bonding thing it won’t last.

Now get a bucket, clean all this puke up, and get back to the sidebar.

[–]crimson_chris2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You are 100% in control of your life and the problems you choose to deal with. Good step in realizing that.

I have two kids, but I am still making me the #1 priority. If I am my #1 priority the I am making sure I am happy, healthy and hungry to live an awesome life that they will benefit from. Be a man that your kids and wife respect.

[–]crimson_chris1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oh...and fuck giving up sex. What are you trying to prove?

[–]creating_my_life2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

That night, when we got into bed, she jumped on me

Now grasshopper, do you understand WHY she did that?

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not bad but next time STFU about your emotions and your plan to be a better man. If she thinks you have to try to be an alpha man, she won't think you're an alpha man.

Just do it and stop talking, results are all that matter.

[–]Alphaphux1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your number 1 priority is YOU, not your kids, not your wife, YOU

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

listen to the others advice but kudos to the honesty in this post.

Good luck going forward.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Less commas bro

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Since when did anyone here say they will fix your marriage?

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nice gentle victim puke. Let it be your last.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

All of this “I feel...” that you discussed with her. You sound like a chick. OYS, and move on - Either she’ll follow or she won’t. More STFU next time you have a talk like that.

Yes, you’re still deep in her frame, and she knows it. The good news is- so do you, so you can work on that.

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

People are going to give you shit for taking a hiatus from initiating. It's not for everyone, but it works very well for some. Do what you want to do.

What are you going to do when the hysterical bonding wears off? It will dry up. What just happened was the easy part. It took you 9 months to reach the point that many guys were at when they started here. Now you're starting to get it. Now you need to get your ass to the weekly OYS threads.

[–]dcapt460 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nice progress you are well down the path. This is sometimes referred to as the Main Event. Sounds like you handled it well and she liked what you laid out. Loads of challenges ahead to maintain momentum but good start. One tough one is to maintain your word on "I won't initiate for 3 months". But stay fun and touch her lots sexualize things lots but don't try to seal the deal and don't be hurt or upset when she doesn't.
She may go at you hard for a few days or weeks and then decide to test you by withholding and seeing if it bothers you. This is a test. Doubly hard because you have shut down your right to initiate and push her. By the end of 3 months I expect she will slip into a level that is comfortable for her which is likely a couple times around ovulation and maybe one more at another point in the month. That is even if you are strong on your side. One challenge after 3 months is taking back ownership of the sexual relationship.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

next time pull the tampon out from between your thighs before you fuck her it was too full of emotions and words

Good god, quit fucking talking I'd be a real bitch if I had to listen to all that shit for so many years too 17 fucking pages ?

[–]FossilGuy160 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am just about one month into three months without sex. My decision to have no sex has made a much easier time to sort my shit out. All of the covert contracts were laid bare and easy to identify, my problem with sex as validation is starting to go away and my wife can’t manipulate me with sex.

when I Started my 3 months, my wife jumped me and was extremely aggressive...she then got extremely upset when I wouldn’t fuck her. Because I am owning myself (no FAP), I am owning my life more and my wife has little choice but to submit.

Not all of the way through yet, but I am making way better progress on myself and my marriage because of the 3 months no sex.



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