Its been about 4 weeks since my last post, where the tension between my wife and me reached a point, where we couldn't stand each other, and we decided on trial separation. The past 9 months of being here, did nothing to improve our marriage, and on some level the tension became worse between us. I have made progress physically, mentally, emotionally (or so I thought...)
During the trial separation I was away from the house for 3 days/2nights. I had time to think, and think, and think. Our marriage has been rocky for most of our time together, about 2 yrs into our relationship (together 14yrs), my wife's parents became against us being together, and over time, removed their time, attention and love from my wife, and made her and our lives miserable. I tried to "fix" things, to no avail. My wife also became very cold/harpy/resentful person, particularly past few years, its is what brought me here (and unsatisfactory sex life), and also what made me drag her to counselling over the past few years.
I spent a whole day writing out things that I was not happy with: in my wife, myself, our marriage. All up 17 pages. Next day I looked over the list, and thought, way too many things I have a problem with in my wife. I went over the list, and boiled it down to 1 item. She has become unhappy/miserable/harpy b***h (exactly like her mother), and I was not going to live with someone like that. We talked about it many times in the past, I blamed it on emotional abuse (by her mother), my wife was saying maybe its genetic that she is that way. Regardless, this had to change, either medication, professional help or we are done.
I spent 2nd day, rehashing the same thoughts in my head, and tried to talk it out with a friend (natural alpha, with 100% frame), I kept complaining, and whinging, he kept asking me "what do you want?", I kept saying, "I can't keep going like this" , we kept going in circles. He also kept telling me "she is not going to change, she hasn't change over past 14 yrs, she will be who she is", and then he said " may be she wants you to finish it, if that is the case, be a man, and you do it", that really stuck in my head. I could not get it out of my head whole night.
Next morning, i sat down with my list, and started reading it, then picked up a pen, and started commenting on each point: ego, hamster, butthurt. Everything on those 17 pages, was nothing but my ego/hamster going in circles. I also realized, everything I have written here in MRP in the past 9 months, was ego/hamster, all of it..... (if I ever catch that fucken rodent...) I was having a moment of clarity... May be my wife is unhappy/miserable/harpy b***h, is a symptom, that she is deeply unhappy. May be she is deeply unhappy, is because of me...... I realized, I have been blaming relationship problems on my wife, and been trying to "fix" her. I can't fix this relationship, I can't fix who my wife is. I can only work on me, become me, and shape my life how I want it, that is all I have power over. She owes me nothing, and could leave today, or tomorrow, or cheat, and I can't stop her. I have read it here sooo many times, and only now it really clicked.
I came home that night, and we sat down to talk. My wife had a list of her own, usual stuff: we are not on the same page, we should schedule a weekly meet to talk, may be see someone etc.etc. I STFU, and only took a couple of notes.
If I am going to be the center of my universe, I have to speak with "I". So when it was my turn, I told her I feel a lot of coldness around her, I feel unloved, I feel resented, undesired, disrespected, and most of all disliked. I told her, I understand that she is like that, because of years of me being weak and pathetic, especially when she needed me the most. I told her if I was a stronger man, I would have ended this relationship years ago. I told her past 9 months I have been focusing on improving me, and becoming a better version of myself, whether she likes it or not. I have been working on my social anxiety, and she said she always noticed how awkward I am in social situations but chose not to say anything, and how she finds it attractive when a man is assertive. I told her I exercise, because I want to stay healthy, and strong, and she said, she noticed my arms getting bigger, and she finds men with muscular arms attractive. I told her I do things around the house, because that is how I want it to be, not to rub in her nose that she hasn't done something. I told her, sex has been a form of validation for me, and I do get butthurt some times when she says no, so I told her, I will not be initiating for 3 months. Her first question was, what if she feels like sex, can we still have sex?? We talked some more, and in the end she said, she was shocked and relieved at what I said. She said, it explains how and why she has been feeling a certain way towards, me. She said, she felt like a whole load has been taken of her shoulders. I told her, going forward, my number 1 priority will be our kids, and then my own needs. I told her 2 broken people can not make a healthy relationship, and we need to take care of our own needs first, and then we can see if we actually like each other.
That night, when we got into bed, she jumped on me, and wanted to fuck. She wanted it deep and fast, and I have never seen her like that. To be honest, I struggled to keep up with her that night... That night I realized that she is probably AWALT, that I am not even close to being "man" enough to bring out her good qualities (instead of all the shit qualities), we also have too much history between us, and she may never be able to see me as the right "man". Lastly, I don't know if I even like her enough, that is the thought I think I have been avoiding for years, instead of facing the reality of who/how she is, I tried to change her, "fix" her issues, push her in the right direction. I accept now, that I married the first reasonable woman I dated, and for the past 10+yrs, was getting frustrated with her, for not being perfect, not living up to my fantasy or my expectations. I came here, thinking finally I found the solution, all I have to do: is loose some weight, gain some muscles, and read a few books, and everything will fall into place, she will turn into a sweet, sex loving, wonderful woman.
As some of you said before, I have to go back to the start. STFU, lift, sidebar, from beginning. I am a career beta, this post is about me, and I have a long way to go... Only now I am starting to see the layers on my ego, the fears, and insecurities that I masked with excuses.
I am training now for me, to feel better about myself, to like who I see in the mirror, to build more self-confidence, before I was running out of the house, because MRP said I have to be busy. I am now taking my time with everything, with reading, with exercises, with everything, and letting it get absorbed, instead of getting through everything as quickly as possible, so I can tick it off. Not initiating sex, is taking pressure off me, and I can work on my validation issues, its something I will have to face again, but hopefully from a different mindset. It has also become easier to deal with my wife. I finally saw how deep in her frame I was (and probably still am ....), how scared I was of rocking the boat, how everything was a covert contract. Having that moment of realization, that I have to be me, whether she likes it or not, accepting that she owes me nothing, and can walk out any day - has made it easier to say no to her, to stand my ground, and not put up with her BS.
The stay plan, is the same as go plan - I have read it so many times here, but now it makes a lot more sense.
The main reason I put up this post, is to solidify my thoughts, while I still remember that moment of clarity. Also, if any of you catch me hamstering again, point me to this post, and kick my ass twice as hard.