708,624 posts

The boat is rocking...

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July 17, 2017
9 upvotes

6-7 months in. The relationship seems to be going through periods of calm, and big shit storms, does not seem to be related to the cycle either. Sex is about the same 1/week. I am a lot more dominant in bed now, however, I am not really seeing her responding to it. I own my shit around the house, kids, work, constant kino, pranks, fun. I am enjoying my life a lot more today, than I did in the past 5 yrs. I lift, read. I am not going to pretend I am amazing, I am a better captain than I ever was, but I still have a very , very long way to go. As I have said before in my posts, I am not really seeing my wife responding to any changes, except she is getting more annoyed with me. The only significant change I have noticed, after an argument, she would give me silent treatment for 5-7 days, now that I DGAF, she gets over it in about 24 hours, and usually will respond to kino , ie " slap on the ass, and she said, I will take this as your apology." To give you a short background, I was a life long BP, and MIL cut off FIL balls a very long time ago, and threw them in the ocean, together with his spine.

Particularly the last month or so I keep getting a lot of comfort/shit tests all rolled into one. ie. "I don't want to sell our place/I love our place, I am not in love with the new house we are building, IT was ALL your idea to build..." I do my best to pass shit tests, and give hugs/reassurance for comfort test, EXCEPT, that she acts like a statue when I give her a hug/kiss/comfort.

A few days ago, I was getting something from a cupboard, and her bag fell to the floor, and some papers fell out, I started putting them back when something caught my eye, and I started reading it. 2 pages of her feelings... She wrote it out after a weekend, of non-sop shit tests/comfort tests.

I took a photo of the list, and here is a full list. The reason I am asking for some suggestions on answers is, in theory, I understand a lot of things, but in the middle of a particularly heated (when she is very agitated/angry/emotional) argument/tests I still freeze, and my brain stops thinking, so I will mainly STFU. I would like to be prepared for this, as she ha indicated she wants to talk....

Not sure where start/end is though, but here is a full list.

" You give off impression that you don't care"

" I wan't you to have some reaction to things.. Anger etc. "

" I don't know who you are anymore"

" You shut me out. Never discuss anything with me. Make decisions and expect me to be ok with it"

" You frustrate me"

" How do we resolve the conflict when it arises. I shut down and you become smug"

" I become physically uncomfortable around you when you are emotionally detached"

" Your way to piss me off, is to leave the room/house. I can't win with you"

" Meaningless affections " (kino...)

" Don't have the courtesy to tell me where you are going"

" Act like you always know better"

" Too laid back in my opinion, need to meet in the middle??"

" I don't feel you share anything with me anymore. Don't need to?"

"Never apologize for the way you make me feel"

" I don't trust you like I used to"

" Every time I try to have a casual discussion with you, you seem to be mocking me, this make me annoyed and reluctant to talk to you, about things, which you don't consider important to you"

" I don't feel like i can use your shoulder, unless its of interest to you. I feel like I am burdening you if I need your time/attention"

" What is this really about?"

" I am prepared to work on this, but both of us have to change"

" I find you frustrating"

My take on this:

  • I am not passing comfort tests. Not sure what else to do? As I said before, she acts like a statue when I hug her, give her a kiss.

  • I would like to think that I am not completely autistic in my interactions...

  • Her emotional/guilt manipulations are no longer working on me, and she is confused. Unfortunately, due to her upbringing this is the only way she knows how to interact...


Post Information
Title The boat is rocking...
Author 223552
Upvotes 9
Comments 22
Date 17 July 2017 11:57 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205840
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6nx38f/the_boat_is_rocking/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
kinoshit testcomfort testdominancelift
Comments

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy

Never forget she is on the 1000 foot ropetm behind you.

IMO right now she is irritated that her old bullshit is not working and realizing that she is going to have to grab hold of the rope now. That is a lot of work for her. Before you were hanging on for dear life to her rope and she could jerk on that rope any ole time and you would grab hard. The control of the rope might be a way for you to visualize the struggle for frame control you have with her.

Her list of feelz is a good indication that she is responding to your improvements. Most of what she wrote is about power game over you and her concerns about it.

You are making good progress, try to slow your roll and make sure you have your shit on lock. Try to show her a way to please you, give her a path that she can follow.

She will grab the rope and follow, or not.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This.

[–]BobbyPeru10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's a combination of Rambo and dread... Mostly Rambo. You can't change too drastically in 6 months. Slow your roll. Start trying more A&A with sexual undertones... STFU too much comes across as autistic and Rambo. She's confused and scared.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

I would like to think that I am not completely autistic in my interactions...

I'm sure you would like to think this, but her notes suggest that it's not true.

I suspect you're confusing "acting redpill" with never expressing emotion to her or ignoring her emotions. RP men express emotions, but they express emotions like a man, and never to seek comfort, validation, or appeasement. RP men engage their wives' emotions, they just don't accept responsibility for them or feel obligated to fix them.

At various points in this lengthy set of comments by /u/jacktenofhearts are some nice "advanced fogging" insights on how to engage your wife emotionally without being beta about it.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

This. As others have already pointed out, /u/JackTenofHearts has the definitive take on this aspect of the RP. His words helped me greatly, because my usual reaction is autistic.

One little thing that stood out in her list: you never tell her where you're going. Is that true? Mostly true? Or just wife-speak? Do you leave the First Officer in charge, with all the information she needs to steer the ship in your absence, or do you just disappear? If you are withdrawing attention, I get it, but if she doesn't connect your absence with her behavior, then it's not going to have the desired effect.

[–]223552[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Half and half. Sometimes I will tell her exactly where I am going, and sometimes i will (playfully) tell her " Ihave things to do, places to be..."

She knows, I am not taking her shit now, and she doesn't like it.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

You are seeing the reaction. Around 6 months is about the time she's realizing that your new you is different and here to stay. She's not going to be happy about it, so she's going to try and make sense of all the things you're doing and call them wrong (hence, the list).

/u/FireTempered mentioned the rope, which is making its rounds as an ideal explanation for why she doesn't immediately follow. I'm going to add on to the analogy by saying that when you started, both your boats were right next to each other with the 1000ft rope coiled up. When you took off, all she saw was you moving away from her. So she's thinking "wtf? Where is he going?" And rationalizing to herself all the bad things about you moving away (again, the list).

It's not that strong of a rope. It will either pull taught, or snap if you go too fast. You're the captain, what do you think of your speed? What do you think of your progress? Are you laying a good foundation down? Do you feel confident in the changes you're making and think they make you a better you? When you started you asked "would you fuck you?". Now ask yourself "would you follow you?"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good breakdown of "slow your roll".

[–]TheVitaminD5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Read this whole thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/374wln/what_we_talk_about_when_we_talk_about_dread_13/

Too much too fast, Rambo. You were blue pill so long that she doesn't have any reason to want to be with you, except that you were stable.

[–]223552[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Wow that thread..... Thanks for the link!!!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Pretty much everything Jackten ever wrote is well worth reading.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

she acts like a statue when I give her a hug/kiss/comfort.

This is the most important thing you wrote.

Let me translate some of the others from Emotionland- the safe space where all your dreams come true and...it just happens:

You give off impression that you don't care I want him to react/get mad...

I am losing my ability to make him lose his shit. What is going on?

You shut me out. Never discuss anything with me. Make decisions and expect me to be ok with it"

Watch me struggle for power. I would rather be right and in charge than have a happy marriage.

Meaningless affections

Are they? Sounds like your Kino is forced and she knows it.

Don't have the courtesy to tell me where you are going

I know it is a PUA tactic but I always thought it was fucking autistic. That is what Text was made to keep a record of your SO's whereabouts and coordinating with the kids. Or you could, you know, talk to your wife and TELL her where you are going?

All of the rest are a hamster run amok with nothing to restrain it. This chick is desperate for an Alpha to take charge but she is DETERMINED to fight her husband when he tries to achieve that role.

I would carry on the struggle. At some point you will want to give up the ghost but that time is not now.

[–]DeplorableRay0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like dread is working.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Here is another fantastic Jacktenofhearts comment about how to properly slow your roll and avoid Rambo syndrome.

[–]youcantdenythat0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Most of this is her trying to come to terms with the new you.

She sees your hugs and kisses for what they are: an attempt to manipulate her. She also sees your kino as that. This sounds like a beta stuff you still need to work on. Might need another go through NMMNG.

My guess is that you are misinterpreting shit tests as comfort tests.

Also sounds like you need to slow it down a little. If she's like this one chick I dated, she used to pick fights and anger me to try to see where things really stood. If you don't get angry or show emotion, then she doesn't know how you really feel about something and her emotional compass is left spinning in circles and her hamster is running like crazy.

It sounds like you're getting better at dgaf, but at some point you do need to give a fuck and learn to guide her emotions for her. but you're not going to be able to do that until she finds you attractive enough to respect you.

So we're back to the beginning again where you need to realize you need to take baby steps. How's the gym going? How's the smv?

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Youve gone Rambo and forgot how to sprinkle a little beta on. Also, 1000 rope... it took her awhile to notice your chances and she doesn’t know what to make of them.

Be strong but go easy on her. Her reaction is pretty normal to what you’ve been doing. Keep doing what you’ve been doing but spend some time with her and connect if she’s behaving.

[–]Tebulus0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

According to your recent post here you may be earlier in your journey than you thought. Have you really been at this six months? How much/how many of the books have you read cover to cover? Is your anger still coming out to her in any way? Are you acting passive aggressively or justifying your actions out of a sense of entitlement (covert contract).?

All in all, I would guess that you are still in her frame and resenting her for various things including her not just getting better with your own perceived results. You need to stop tailoring your improvement around her and start tailoring it for your own benefit which you seem to be doing already. I know everyone expects rapid results and some people see them pretty quickly and some people have to deal with a slow burn. Its ok. Sounds like you are enjoying the results you see for you and the only major thing I would change about your current behavior is to not focus on your wife so much. Who cares about your wife? RP will get you sex from an attracted wife/ltr, it may not be your current wife meaning divorce needs to be an option. Have you engaged in any dread whatsoever? Also, it may seem counter intuitive but pretending she does not exist and you acting how you want all the time is what is going to keep her with you. She can write all the lists and bitch about you to her friends but at the end of the day its your dick in a part of her. This is the kind of shit you are going to look back after you get it and say to yourself "god damnit why am I such a faggot for not getting it earlier".

How tall are you? I saw in your OYS that you are 190 going for 175 at BMI 27 currently. This is important as if you are fat or are short and have a harder time with weight management then you should 100% fix this first. Try Keto if you are on the struggle bus.

Second, full stop on the list compadre. That shit is her hamster running at lightspeed trying to make sense of whatever you are doing in your relationship. Do not bring it up, do not analyze it, delete that fucking picture right now. If I had to guess I would guess that your wife is a headstrong controlling pain in the ass outside of your relationship to randoms as well so just chalk that up to some poor filtering on your part for marrying with her and roll with it. Anything you do she is going to fight tooth and nail. That is her frame and a symptom that you are not out of it. She did not marry an alpha, she married a bluepill faggot. Her thought processes roughly translate to "where oh where is my weak bluepill faggot?" Good sign.

I agree, you seem to have a problem with comfort tests in general. Why is that I wonder? From your first post near when you started, it seems to be a theme you already knew. Figure this out second if you need a priorities list. Do you fail because you do not recognize them in time? Do you fail because you start to DEER? Do you fail because you respond emotionally and forget your training? Are you being too much of a dick or trying to be stoic when your wife just really need a damn hug? Sounds like one of the latter. You do not need to be "on" all the time. You just need to establish your frame and let her in occasionally. Do you feel like you are in control? Is this your house? Do you fear her reactions in any way and/or tailor your actions and words to keeping "happy wife happy life" in service? Why dont you post the most recent one you got with all the details so we can take a look.

[–]223552[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Height 5,10. Read NMMNG x 2, MMSLP, 1/2 way through WISNIFG, Models, Bluepill professor videos, this forum, and a whole lot of youtube videos.

Anger has subsided a lot lately. I am no longer resenting her, I do get annoyed at myself from time to time for a shit pickle that I got myself into (picked a "project" of a wife, but than the way I was, I was always likely to pick a "project"). My aim, is personal growth, happiness, fulfillment, and stop trying to fix my wife/people. I remind myself daily that this relationship may OR may not work out, regardless, I am doing this for me. I am using the relationship as a indicator of my progress, and areas I need to improve on.

I definitely went Rambo initially, but now, its more about what I am prepared to put up with, and what not. I am not putting up with a lot of passive/aggressive shit from her, and she is not liking it at all. I am open to a proper discussion, or fun times (sex, or not).

I used to fear her reaction, I walked on egg shells for years.... Not a for a few months now, I don't care what her mood is (unless its something directly to do with me, or kids), I mostly DGAF now about her issues etc, if its outside my control. If she needs advice, I will give it to her, If she needs support I will provide it, but, I am o longer her emotional tampon, or her punching bag.

I certainly miss some comfort tests, I still catch myself deering from time to time, I suspect some of STFU comes across as being a dick, its all work in progress.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I definitely went Rambo initially,

Suggest you count your Rambo time as lost time on your journey. If you started 6 months ago and Rambo-ed for 3 months, count yourself as only 3 months in.

[–]BIG_HUB-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've seen this shit list before with my ex. She's talking herself into seeing a lawyer. Let her, next.



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