TheRedArchive needs help
With 700,000+ posts and 16,000,000+ comments archived, and new Red Pill content being added every week, keeping TheRedArchive alive and discoverable to everyone is starting to become very costly. As a 20-year-old student who just moved out and is living independently for the first time, keeping TheRedArchive alive is beginning to cost me much more than I thought.

Therefore, if you appreciate the website, have gained a lot of knowledge and insight from it, and want to show your appreciation, you can do so by donating any amount that you want via the options below. The money will be used on the expensive monthly host bill and any future maintenance of the website.
Thank you, and I wish you all a successful 2021 and a good luck with achieving your goals and dreams!

Best, /u/dream-hunter

What am I doing wrong here?

Reddit View
July 16, 2017
6 upvotes

Or am I handling this right?

I am currently reading WISNIFG and MMSLP.

But today my SO and I had an issue and I'm so confused on how to handle these things. At the moment. Some ppl on here tell me to explain the value in the situation of what you're doing, and then others call that DEERing. Some say to ignore. Others say that's being a dick. So I get confused if I should be explaining the value. If I'm deering or how to handle this shit. I know I can't bring logic to a feels fight. But I have a hard time changing feels.

2 things. 1.) My SO is a nursing student. We usually hangout every weekend. She has some nursing stuff the next couple weekends (7p to 7a.) And if she doesn't see me in a couple days she gets all moody. 2.) I work full time, gym and also have a business where I sell supplements. I am constantly running around meeting people to give them their supplements.

Today she had a day off and I told her to come over later on. She said okay and told me she would have to go home tho Bc she has an interviews and has to be up early. I tell her okay.

I also play softball every Sunday. After we go to eat. She text me asking what I'm doing I tell her I'm out to eat. I tell her we were waiting for people to show up and she should come. She said nah thanks tho.

I said okay. Then she asks if I wanted to go to the mall with her. I didn't want to go and I had to meet ppl in that time frame anyway. So I tell her I'm going to meet those people and meet her at the house after.

She tells me I will only have an hour to hangout with her Bc she has to leave. I say okay then let's make it good πŸ˜‰.

She then text me "I'm not really in a good mood" I say well that was random. I call her and ask whats wrong. She tells me she's annoyed that she hasn't seen me (it's literally been a couple days) and that I am putting other things before her as my priority. (But those things are what make us money.) she says I have my priorities messed up. I told her I invited her to come eat. She didn't want to. I'm meeting someone and then spending the rest of the time with her. She was mad that I wasnt going to the mall with her. But These things had to get done and she knew prior.

I tell her let's not spend the limited time we have fighting. I will see her when she gets here. We both then Hung up.

She then texts me "You have all weekend to make your money. You meeting you dad has nothing to do with this. He's an exception. (One of the ppl I have to meet with) It's the fact that you didn't even want to come with me. Even after I offered to wait for you to be done with your dad. "

I assert that I just didn't want to go to the mall (I have a bunch of stuff coming up and she wants to go on a vacation and all this stuff that cost money. So I am spending smarter). I told her I received my supplies yesterday and was busy all last night. (Which she knew) that today was the only day I could meet these ppl. And in that time I made time to hangout with her. I told her she had the option to come eat and she denied it. That she had that option to spend more time and she denied it. I then said so I will see you when you get here" ( Deering? But idk any other way to get the point across.)

She said how am I supposed to hangout when you're not home. I tell her. You could have Come out to eat. And I didn't know she had to leave early tn till a couple hours before. I then said

"Look I'm looking forward to seeing you and not fighting with you. So you go to the mall. Cool down. And when you get here we will spend some good quality time together"

Did I hand this the right way and if not. Wtf am I doing wrong here. I get so lost on when to ignore certain behaviors. When to explain the value in something. When to laugh it off or when to treat it like a shit test/comfort test.

Like I said Ive been reading. I've been posting I've been learning but I feel like I'm just missing something.


Post Information
Title What am I doing wrong here?
Author Bulk_king11
Upvotes 6
Comments 30
Date 16 July 2017 09:13 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205857
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6noph8/what_am_i_doing_wrong_here/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGframeshit testcomfort test
Comments

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

Comfort test. That's how I read all of this.

Most unplugging guys don't know how to AA, AM, and I don't know how you OI...you just are. You don't do OI you are OI. the reason most of you don't know how is because you lack frame. But without frame or some idea of it these tactics just come off as being an asshole or butt hurt. I get it. It's like the chicken or the egg. Which is why you have to work them concurrently and take your lumps at exploring your asshole nature. Some guys eventually find out being a complete asshole works for them. But AA AM and OI are not the issue with this situation.

Where I see you lacking is that you aren't taking control of the relationship. While it is true that women should work to keep us in the relationship it is equally true that you need to take control of it. She won't. Have you ever sat down and made a Master schedule?

Like showing her your work calendar then put in her calendar? Start taking control here. This would prevent the DEERing you are doing. You don’t need to explain to her why you are out and busy. It’s work. Work is work. Does she explain why she has to be at class or on campus? yet from what you wrote i get the idea that you both just get up and go about the day without talking about what you are doing. Men don't just leave to leave. we have goals and objectives when we leave. if we do we are usually a little disjointed in what we are doing.

Start organizing the calendar. As a paramedic I know the time crunch of a medical professional, especially one in school. I am considering Critical Care Medic training and later training to be on the state tactical medic team...get called in to serve warrants and such. BUT it's not that simple. I have to start organizing time. Once you have your time organized and respect yourself enough to get it in control you will find you can be more flexible. more spontaneous because you can expect things to happen in a timely fashion. Leaving you with wide open spaces of time.

Simple. Done. But she isn't calling to find out where or what you are doing. She's really calling wanting you with her. It's a comfort test at that point. Not the act unless it is a bona fide shit test. You can tell by her tone. Yours is a comfort test from the sounds of it. Time is your greatest asset and it sounds like your girl knows it. She wants some of it. What it sounds like to me is that you aren't being a good steward of it. Your products come in and immediately you take them to your clients. Not bad in the service department but not so good on time management.

When my girl texts and tells me she would love to have a drink with me after work that is outside our normal date night. I listen to that. She's communicating overtly women don't necessarily do that. It should make you pay attention. Now I NOT saying drop everything but it is a signal. You need to be aware. All that other crap of the mall and such is her seeking comfort. You are making her uneasy, via dread or whatever. You’ve limited time effectively but I think you have it unbalanced now. you need to provide her with the emotional highs. Set up a romantic date or something. Start organizing your time.

your texts. You need to reduce words. My rule is usually 2/3 less then what she sent me.

Look I'm looking forward to seeing you and not fighting with you. So you go to the mall. Cool down. And when you get here we will spend some good quality time together"

Should have been:

I’ll be home at X time. Look forward to seeing you when you get back.

Done. Why mention all that other shit? DEERing is joining in her emotional turmoil. You explain early on. Like the family calendar. Then she can see where you are what you are doing in regards to the family. Granted this is a fine line but if you hold your frame it shound’t Matter. Remember MRP is a toolbox of things. You use what works. Throw out what doesn’t.

Right now you are out there making shit happen but there is no direction. Have you communicated your mission, what all this is about? That is your job. It’s hers to keep the relationship and you interested. Right now you are showing her you aren't. You have to show her that this is all leading somewhere. That she is part of a greater vision you have in life. Give her the chance to accept the challenge of being your girl and in on the greatest adventure of her life.

Start taking control of the relationship. Steer it direct it where you want it to go. She is making time for you. She seems to be trying. Don't dismiss this. failing comfort tests can be relationship killers.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a top notch assessment. I want to add one thing. He's too invested in her feelings. His response comes from a point of being worried about how she feels. An alpha provider is cognizant of feelings and where they come from, but he doesn't need nor want to change them.

As he told her, "go to the mall, and change your feelings"

This comes from being afraid of her feelings. I feel uncomfortable when she has them.

What he should have said was "I know you feel stressed we can't see each other, it's OK to feel that way. Let's regroup after the mall and find a way to reconnect. You're important to me but I don't want to half ass it by trying to squeeze in quality time while you shop"

The great thing about detaching from her emotions is that she is free to have them. Remember you don't try to stop the storm, you let it blow itself out while you stand as an oak.

Celebrate her emotions, don't try to stop them.

[–]mrpthrowa6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy

She then text me "I'm not really in a good mood" I say well that was random

Stopped reading here.

"I am not in a good mood".

Translation: Here is my frame, I want you to fix my emotions, i want to step right into my frame and get mind fucked by my emotions and drama and shit.

You: "well that was random".

Translation: I have just bend over, please be gentle with your emotional verbal rape. Or don't, i kinda enjoy it.

The right response was to ignore that text. This entire shit would've been avoided that way.

[–]Bulk_king111 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I disagree. I know her it wouldn't be avoided. It would have been brought up at some point or another. So I called to confront it head on.

[–]mrpthrowa1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

wrong:

http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2016/07/11/several-real-life-examples-soft-nexts/

This trying to fix her by calling and stuff is gonna get you in so much trouble.,

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Man, first time seeing that blog, from what I've seen so far it's pretty great.

[–]Bulk_king110 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yea I have read his blog before when I was single good shit. I will have to go back and refresh. Thank you

[–]InChargeManRed Beret3 points4 points  (8 children) | Copy

tl;dr: I don't know how to STFU, AA/AM, or OI.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Add NMMNG.

Everything you are doing with/about her is OUTSIDE your frame.

When you meet the right woman, for right now or for awhile, she will find time for YOU.

You finding time for her is weak, submissive, and unattractive.

Therefore the corollary is true; staying in your frame is strong, dominant, and attractive.

Stay true to yourself.

She will follow, or not.

Remember, she's not one IN a million, She's one OF a million.

[–]Bulk_king110 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I've read no more mister nice guy. But here the thing guys in here who are endorsed tell me to make the relationship work you need to comprise and create boundaries. "Finding time for her" would seem to be weak if that's the case. If she my SO and I treat her like a plate she will eventually become one.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

But here the thing guys in here who are endorsed tell me to make the relationship work you need to comprise and create boundaries.

Compromise and create boundaries? You need to re-read those comments. Often boundaries is about not compromising. Compromising is about making concessions without compromising boundaries.

Second, you have missed a lot of the value in NNMNG. Reading is not applying. Suggest you re-read that also, and, work through the exercises.

[–]Bulk_king110 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I meant those as two separate things. Create boundaries. But also compromise so the relationship isn't one sided. I am far from a nice guy. Never really have been but I'm trying to not treat my SO like a plate and over due it when she is begging for comfort. I'm looking for that balance of alpha and beta. Maybe it's in MMSLP. I'm not finished it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I read your post, and I think you are a nice guy and are invested in the idea that you are doing it right. I suggest you re-read NMMNG and re-evaluate your mindset. But you do you.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This guy is a really good troll.

All of his posts have been total failing crap. He's great at wasting people's time with crap.

He sucks you guys into arguing about the stupidest shit by playing dumb.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just looked....His post history - all over the place. Done.

[–]Bulk_king11-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

No I know how. Just not when

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

She then text me "I'm not really in a good mood"

This is where you STFU. Everything you did after this was off the success map. I've been tested sometimes for a couple hours in my earlier RP days, but I made huge progress when I learned how to ignore these tests, push forth, and still "take" what I wanted. Some of the best sex corms out of these tests if you can maintain frame... And you didn't.

Kill the DEERing, especially on text

[–]Bulk_king110 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So if I STFU here this is what would a happened. She would have sent me a long text explain why she's in a bad mood anyway "I'm really annoyed how you....etc etc" say I still ignore it.

Later that night I saw her. It would be brought up. One of 2 ways. Her being all distance and acting rude. Say I ignore it. Then I'd get. Why did you ignore my text from earlier? Can't ignore that one so I say. I didn't. I read it but you know I'm busy making money for us.

...wait. Did I just hamster myself into the right way to handle this?

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why did you ignore my text from earlier?

Change the subject. If she keeps asking. Tell her to come closer because you want to check something out, and then give her a good slap on the ass.

Quit taking her so seriously.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Texting, is for logistics.

Your post proves our point.

Comfort test and shit test you can't identify wrapped up in one conversation via text.

DEERing to explain yourself via text.

So let's help you. She is a niesung student. You work FT and sell PT. Your excuse factory is laden with bullshit along with ego pumping pontification of your mighty delivery boy side business.

Uh, are you making any money ? Are you married ? Explain as to why you are justifying all of your extra work to make money for "us"

Relationships take compromise and work - as in - on the relationship. Her time is limited your limited, temporarily, nothing should be more important than time together at this point, if you plan to enjoy your sacrifices.

[–]Bulk_king110 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So what's all this about putting your mission before anything else. I make a great amount of money off of that. And when I say "us" I mean she reaps the benefits of that. I have competitors and if I'm not getting people their stuff on time Bc I have to go to the mall with my SO then I may lose customers

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So much talking. It sounds like you like this girl. That's fine. It sounds like you are josh very busy, although she gets moody when she can't spend much time w/ you. You don't understand frame or leading.
If you want to lead her as well as spend time w/ her, why not find out what her schedule is and plan things to do with her instead of selling those bullshit MLM pills at al hours of the day? It can't be this easy; or can it?

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Are her emotions your fault and responsibility?

[–]Bulk_king110 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

No but if she feels neglected she isn't going to stay and that's fine. But I do a lot of what I'm told on here and I know there is a balance between alpha and beta to run a relationship. Not caring at all when my SO has an issue is treating her like a plate. She's not a plate

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Haha- ok, bud.

Here's my take, and yes, it will be a view opposed by others. That's what happens on a forum. Go away for 90 days. Work on yourself. You are drowning in minutiae and are missing key principles. You are literally DEERing to questions I didn't even ask. You defended your behavior for what I would ask if you said you are not responsible for her emotions.

Crawl into the sidebar and stay there. You are missing a lot, especially frame. You are living in your GF's frame.

"Not caring at all when my SO has an issue" - so her issue was valid in this case? So why did you disagree with her? Why is not being invested in her mood swings "Not caring at all."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

she isn't goin to stay

This is LITERALLY the MAIN lesson taught in WISNIFG. She will not suddenly hate you when you put your priorities first. So what is she doing then? Testing, she's testing to see if you'll fold. She may be truly mad...RIGHT NOW. But she'll get over it. If not, you dodged a bullet.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes.

he doesn’t have a mission in life. His life is disorganized. She’s asking him where she fits in his busy schedule.

Once he finds his mission. His frame will take shape. Then he can decide what to do after that.

[–]Bulk_king110 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Okay I'll still reading WISNIFG thanks for the input

[–]askmeanything20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Today she had a day off and I told her to come over later on

This is where it went off the rails. You did not lead and resolve logistics, instead you left everything vague and unresolved, and then tried to explain and excuse your lack of decision making later.

Next time, if she puts up with this, arrange an exact time with at least 3 hours for her, if you want a serious relationship.

[–]Glennus6260 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're a male, and have the advantage when it comes to thinking logically. Which counts for nothing when you're engaging in argument texts, comfort tests and stuck deep, deep in her frame.

Sit down and tell her what your priorities are, and how you're trying to make a living and make it big (something she will benefit from if she's along for the ride). Remember that YOU are the prize, and that worrying that she may drop down to a plate is a frame trap you're stuck in. Her goal is to get more commitment, not less. And if she does drop down to a plate? Que sera, sera, mother fucker.

Grow a pair and be her captain. The minute you start indulging her with arguments, you've already lost. Agree and amplify, be stoic when necessary, build abundance mentality and her dread. She will fall in line or get replaced by a girl that can be your "first mate".



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

Β© TheRedArchive 2021. All rights reserved.

created by /u/dream-hunter