I am The Captain, but I don't always feel like it. Why?

Nucka574 · Wed Mar 22 19:54:18 2017 UTC

What happened to you can't control her, you can only control you?

I'm no expert by any means but it sounds like you want her to work more like you, not everyone works the same. Plus its her business, not yours. If I owned my own business and someone told me how to do my job at my business I'd be like you can fuck right off.

[deleted] · 2017-03-22T20:46:24+00:00

Good sex doesn't mean every day sex, nor is the reverse true. It's better to have great sex once a week than ok sex every day.

mtdog · 2017-03-22T20:13:43+00:00

She. She. She.

Sounds to me like you are deep in her frame.

Work on that.

resolutions316 · 2017-03-22T20:45:12+00:00

I am, as I always say, no expert.

But from the outside, it sounds like you have a BUNCH of covert contracts. "She SHOULD be doing this...." "Kids? Dinner?" (passive aggressive tone)

Are these small annoyances enough for you to openly do something about? Are you willing to set a firm boundary and enforce that boundary, and deal with the consequences?

If you're not, you're just feeling hurt because she isn't magically conforming to the secret ideal of her you have in your head. But that's not really her fault, right?

BobbyPeru · 2017-03-23T08:51:53+00:00

Good job ~~but you don't need to prove anything to me. Men aren't impressed by that type of thing etc...~~

Fixed.

1st you say:

95% of the time I am The Captain.

Then, you say:

Mr Fucking Mom anyone?

You don't sound like a captain, more like a victim.

You told us all about her and how she's faking... Etc. what about you? Where are you on readings, lifting, dread... It seems like you are feeding into the problem. Do the work and Become attractive - get out of her frame.

Coniferous_88 · 2017-03-22T19:49:42+00:00

I'm going to try and do this without sounding like a humble brag... In a similar situation with my LTR: finances, fitness, leadership, etc, etc,...all dialed in, or at least much more finely tuned since TRP. She is also dialed in, high earner, fit, smart, STEM field, low drama, etc, etc. Our shit is locked down tight. No kids, low stress, plenty of free time and discretionary income. ...things should be a cake walk right? Well, that's what lead me to TRP. Things were dull...sex was/is starfish duty sex most of the time. Someone on here made the observation that when one/both partners are ground beef and they improve themselves to prime steak, it's a big jump and the difference is noticeable. But, what if both partners are already prime steak? What then? The basics are already under control...the missing element is excitement, spice, variety. Stimulate those things. I do it by encouraging her to step outside her comfort zone in new hobbies. Plant the seeds for adventurous outings for her to get excited about preparing for. Find a few bonding activities you can incorporate into daily life...example: we like to go grocery shopping at a fancy store together. The fact that you're both high quality folks makes it more difficult because the bar is already set high, so you have to use your imagination. I'm just beginning to figure this out, so I consider my advice a work in progress and I'm looking forward to how others will respond.

drty_pr · 2017-03-22T21:15:44+00:00

Your story and also your writing style portray you in a passive light. Perhaps you can't get the desired actions from your wife, because you're too much of a pussy to command it? She knows what she should be doing. She isn't stupid. Until you become the type of man who can create a boundary and enforce it, she will see you as weak.

The good news is not only are you in the right spot to fix that, if your situation is as good as you say, you should be able to turn it around. Recognize though, turning it around is entirely based upon fixing yourself.

ReddJive · 2017-03-22T23:07:27+00:00

Enervating vs Energizing.

See if there isn't truth here.

[deleted] · 2017-03-23T13:58:49+00:00

Thanks for posting this. I'm in a similar situation with my wife. She works 3 days per week but I pay for a nanny 5 days. She's in a lucrative field, but refuses to work one more day so we can get out of our mountain of student debt. Makes me feel very resentful.

I approached this from a position of weakness-- all about how I feel, deering, etc. I was trying to be controlling because I don't want to subsidize her lifestyle when she can earn a lot of money yet chooses not to. And she's been a raging bitch for a couple weeks. I wouldn't mind her living however she wants if she was at least pleasant company.

Anyway, I tried getting out from under the beta bucks trap, but did it in a butt hurt way. I have to reassess and control only the part of my life I can control and not be passive aggressive toward my wife. I need to do an OYS

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2017-03-24T05:48:08+00:00

A great Captain doesn't need validation that they are the Captain. FYI, that is the mark of a shitty Captain that needs to always feel like everyone knows they're the captain.

Title	I am The Captain, but I don't always feel like it. Why?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	14
Date	March 22, 2017 7:13 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/60wpz0/i_am_the_captain_but_i_dont_always_feel_like_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/i-am-the-captain-but-i-dont-always-feel-like-it.206370 https://theredarchive.com/post/206370

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