Getting shit done vs. Enabling her

FireTempered · 2016-08-23T13:56:21+00:00

My SIL is a hoarder type. Guaran-damn-tee you that #2 will not work. You are not learning from what has happened so far. Start now.

option #1 is your only option. It will be painful for her. She will make it painful for you. Prepare yourself for the battle of your life. This is a sleeping dragon. Once you awaken it, her push back will amaze you. If you are not ready to go the whole distance, do not start, you will lose - a lot. Most hoarders only respond to nuclear options. Much like any addiction. Maybe u/alphabeta49 will weigh in here. This is a much bigger problem than you think it is. Get ready and Good luck!

Edit - pick your battles here. You can chose to battle or not. Are you willing to risk the marriage over her hoard? Make that choice first.

A_Rex · 2016-08-23T12:47:13+00:00

How bout option 3: you order the trailer on a weekend you know you'll both be around, tell her that's basement clean out day. Tell her that you expect her to help, or you'll take care of it yourself and throw out what you feel is garbage. She'll jump at the opportunity. Leading up to it, go down with her and tell her to separate shit out for trash. Here's how - you literally pick up each thing and say "trash, donate, or keep". Separate shit into piles. When trailer arrives, load up trash and donations and bring them to their respective places.

Also add your own shit to the piles.

Be a LEADER.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-08-23T12:45:11+00:00

If I do #1, then I am doing her work for her, cleaning up her mess for her, and feeding into her OC personality.

Considering you're the one who doesn't want to hoard, it doesn't sound like it's her work.

If you want something, go get it. If you want her to reflect your wishes, then you have to be the example. Right now you are the nag

[deleted] · 2016-08-23T13:17:55+00:00

Well, then what about "this shit is a health / safety hazard, and unless you pare it down significantly it's going into off-site long term storage and the monthly cost of that is coming out of your checking account / your monthly budget so good luck getting lunch out with the girls every week"?

sh0ckley · 2016-08-23T14:47:21+00:00

I've handled similar situations recently but it wasn't for clutter. I did ok being recent. You are the one who wants it done so you'll have to lead but do not just do it all yourself.

2 is not gonna happen because AWALT

1 as you describe it is overly controlling. Give your first mate the option to participate if she is willing. Once she sees you taking the lead, she will likely want to participate but will be a bitch about it and make it much more complicated than it needs to be because AWALT. Look at her behavior as a fun game of obstacles on hard mode and make damn sure you are rested and mentally ready to tackle it.

If you were like me then it will be even more difficult because she will rightfully be afraid of a covert contract and emotional paybacks that I used to retaliate with. Digging out of a hole is hard work.

She's first mate. Let her know ahead of time when you've scheduled the pick up.

Take her opinions into consideration and then make a decision for her only if she cannot make one herself. Guide. Lead. Be strong. Choose your battles and be honest only with yourself. Yes I know. This would not be easy for me right now either. Consider if you're truly ready for this situation - you might be but only you know the answer.

Some of your problems are in your mind and might lessen once you tell her that you've scheduled the pickup. Then you'll have new challenges of course.

Countpudyoola · 2016-08-23T15:46:29+00:00

/u/A_Rex has probably the best response, less likely to encur tests.

I on the other hand have no problem being an asshole if someone's going to make me be an asshole.

So I could tell you what I would do (and this is a complete theoretical as my wife is the one who will throw away anything sitting in the same place for a week).

I'd let her know she's got a week to get anything she wants out before it's chunked.

Then I'd chunk the rest. Organize the basement and the first item that appeared that was junk it'd have a week to find a proper home or get chunked (have a little contest with yourself on how long it'll take for something new to show up).

Best way to take care of a pile is make sure it doesn't start in the first place.

youcantdenythat · 2016-08-23T17:14:30+00:00

When I had to do this I took all the crap I thought was useless out to the curb for the trash guy. After I was done I told her what I did and that if she wanted to keep anything, she needed to go out there and sort through it and bring it back into the house and put it away.

The point was that it required effort on her part for anything she wanted to keep. The only time I would help is if it was furniture or something that was literally too hard for her to move. And she would need to convince me that keeping that furniture was a good idea.

Title	Getting shit done vs. Enabling her
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	4
Comments	25
Date	August 23, 2016 12:38 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4z68qz/getting_shit_done_vs_enabling_her/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/getting-shit-done-vs-enabling-her.207205 https://theredarchive.com/post/207205

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