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Vacation with a Main Event

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June 1, 2016
11 upvotes

I'm posting this to introduce myself and to get perspective on my blind spots. I also wanted to say thank you MRP community, this place has led me out of a dark place in my life. That being said I believe the main event is happening, and It's happening quicker then I expected.

Here is some background: Married for 10 years have two kids in elementary school, i got married in my mid twenties, my wife is a few years younger then me. We were each others first. I come from a very religious close-knit family as did my wife. I was raised very beta, my mom ran the house hold. Joined the military to help pay for college and my eyes were opened to a world that was foreign to me. It was my first inkling of Red Pill and how the world really works. I stopped being religious as i didn't believe any more, my wife is still somewhat religious.

Anyway got married in college and i was with my one and only soul mate in the world. (oneitis all the way)

After graduating college and landing a good job, we decided to start raising kids. Wife quit her job when our first child was born. During pregnancy and after birth, I cringe at how I interacted with her and became completely beta. Gave her lots of space and hid my sexual desire because it was expected of me. After the birth of our second child, our struggling sex life ceased to exist. What did i do? I became even more beta at home and talked and talked, we went to counselors.. Sex started to trickle back, but barely. I became depressed and let myself go. I threw myself at work as it was the only thing that i could understand, My wife took care of most things at the house, i took care of making money (beta bucks).
I was not happy in the marriage, I lurked at /r/deadbedrooms for a couple of years. but was starting to realize that people there were not progressing.

10 months ago come across a post about MMSLP. I read it and started to implement the advice in it. LOL! The turn around was mind boggling. Sex was back on the table. Started lifting again, counting calories, shedding weight, dressing better, cut back from long hours at work and reconnected with friends.

The realization hit that I wasn't attractive to her anymore. The "yes she does like sex just not with me" was crushing and liberating at the same time. I could fix our marriage! I could fix her desire. (Ha! Fuck you Low Libido). I was still completely in her frame and everything i did, I did for her.. It was a huge covert contract. Big surprise sex started to taper off again.

4 months ago I came across BluepillProfessors youtube videos and that led me to MarriedRedPill. A lot of things that I didn't understand started to make sense. I decided to swallow the pill. I read the side bar, started with NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, read most of Rollo's posts (fuck me), The Family Alpha's blog, lurking here and even went back to find posts that i could relate with. Read the Way of the Superior Man and Extreme Ownership.

The biggest change for me was i'm doing this for me. I'm the prize, I need to self improve because i'm worth it. I'm going to become a better man, with or without the wife. I stopped worrying about if i got sex or not. I stopped asking for her permission for every little thing. I started to make changes, started to remove the most obvious red items in my MAP. I took over finances. Made a budget, presented to wife and implemented. Turned negative 200 dollars a month to 400 in savings.I started cooking healthy dinners for the family, fixing things around the house, passing shit tests, Lifting was already happening, but i added two more days a week of sprinting, pull-ups / push-ups. I Play a sport with a local league and get out of the house once a week to do activities with friends. I'm coaching sports for my kids, started to do most of the cleaning in the house, and doing the kids laundry if needed (I have always done my own laundry). If I saw a need or something that I didn't like, I took care of it. Planned multiple camping trips this summer and have taken care of every detail of it. I was the solid oak during her grand father's death two months ago. Took care of travel, hotel arrangements, meals and kids.

Started doing more kino, 10 second kiss, and escalating throughout the day. If I got a hard no, "ok" and I would hit the gym or just be somewhere else. If she was into it and has multiple orgasms, great! If not and starfish was offered, I would go cave man. I did what I felt like and pushed boundaries. If she complained about being sore the next day, I would tell her "you're welcome".

Crazy thing? I've been getting unsolicited blow jobs and was offered anal. Never happened before.

Cue the rumblings of the main event?

I had a 4 day vacation planned to meet with my family this last weekend that required a lot of driving. On the way up, My younger brother became incapacitated probably for life. Made arrangements for the wife and kids to play at a park while I meet with my mom at the hospital. It was heart breaking to see him like that. My mom was understandably very emotional. I was solid oak and even joked a little with my brother. He finally told us that he's sorry he let the family down and doesn't know how he can pay back what he owes. (he had some school loans left).

Afterwards I took the family to the vacation spot, and laid out the activities that I planned and left with the wife watching the kids. My older brother and I went back and visited my mom at the hospital. On the way down we decided that we will split whats left on my brother's school loan and pay it off. So we did. I had some money I was saving for a truck (nice to have, but not needed), and would only set me back a year.

At some point my mom told my wife thank you for letting me pay off my brothers debt. :)

After the vacation, and on our long drive back home I get blindsided with it.

Her: "Do you want to be married with kids? Do you regret getting married? Do you want to be like your older brother living the high life"?

Me: No, I love having my family. (smiled and pat on her thigh).

Her: "Why didn't you let me help decide to pay the school loans?"

Me: "There was a need and i took care of it."

Her: "That was big decision to make all by yourself! Do you not trust me?"

Me: "Trust had nothing to do with it, there was a need and i took care of it."

Her: "We are equal partners in this relationship! I always come to you with big money decisions. I'm credibly hurt and feel disrespected."

Me: "I understand you feel hurt and disrespected, but there was a need and i took care of it."

Her: "I try my best in our marriage. I don't understand what has gotten into you. I don't know how we got here. What are we DOING?!? (starting to cry at this point)"

Me: "I'm working on improving myself, I have been slacking in our marriage. Thank you for the hard work you have done, taking care of things when i was absent. I'm going to lead this family to a better place."

At this point I STFU as i realized that its probably too soon for this kind of a talk.

she went into a crying/pitiful voice tirade:

Her: "I don't need to be LED! i'm not a dog, and i'm not taking this laying down! We are Equals in this relationship. I cannot be in a marriage like this! How would you feel if I went spent a bunch of money without telling you. Remember how much trouble your dad got into when he spent alot of money and didn't tell your mom? This isn't how our marriage should work. we are equal partners! We agreed that I would stop my career and SAHM for the kids! Do you want me to go back to work and you will have to EQUALLY drop off and pick up kids from school? Why don't you open up to me anymore? Fine! I'm not talking to you either."

I just pictured a 5 year old ranting. I stayed stoic for the remainder of the trip.

This evening she informed me that she is going to a marriage counselor at church and wants me to go, which I promptly told her I won't be coming.

So there it is. I still have a long ways to go. I hadn't planned on this happening so soon, lay it on me MRP, and don't hold back.


Post Information
Title Vacation with a Main Event
Author RedAlertAndFullSpeed
Upvotes 11
Comments 37
Date 01 June 2016 11:35 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207395
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4m0sxy/vacation_with_a_main_event/
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Comments

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

I am with TFA on this one. Use the image of a 5 year old little girl ranting about how her sandwich was cut to get past Shit Tests. However, this is NOT a little girl. This is your wife!

The MRP model is "Captain / First Officer" NOT "parent" / "child."

I would not apologize at this time because that would be weak. I WOULD be a benevolent Captain and put together a plan for avoiding issues like this in the future. Something along the lines of a future promise to consult "the most valuable person in your world" before you spend thousands of dollars. You wife feels slighted and expressed her feelings appropriately and guess what- you slighted her.

Also, why in God's green Earth would you pay off your brother's student loans? Get him a deferment. Do something to kick the loans down the road. Frankly, student loans are the last thing that should be paid off- and certainly not by a brother. You do know if your brother dies then the loans go bye bye. If he pays them for 7 years (I think this is still the law) then he can file bankruptcy. If he becomes disabled and unable to work he can get a permanent deferment. Seriously, student loans should be the last bit of debt to go away.

TLDR: It is still not to late to sit down and discuss this with your wife. Take in her input and make a decision! Women want to be heard and have their opinions and emotions validated. They don't want to be obeyed, but they do want to be heard.

[–]RedAlertAndFullSpeed[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It is still not to late to sit down and discuss this with your wife. Take in her input and make a decision! Women want to be heard and have their opinions and emotions validated. They don't want to be obeyed, but they do want to be heard.

This is good, its a piece thats missing from my current leadership style.

also, why in God's green Earth would you pay off your brother's student loans?

Parents co-signed the loan and are not doing good financially. I wanted to help my family... upon further reflection at some base silly level, I feel guility that I wasn't there for him as much as i could have. I should have contacted a lawyer to see what was possible, beyond my research.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Here is the true skinny on permanent disability discharge of student loans from a real life lawyah.. If you want to advocate (OAK), or have your Mom (beta-bitch move) speak for your brother, the Applicant Representative Designation is in PDF form so someone can act for him, as is the main discharge application. This can be done in conjunction with securing SSI benefits for him, as the same doctor's note stating his permanent disability will be required for both.

That would normally be $500 minimum, and you're welcome.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

It would not have hurt one bit to let your wife know the situation with your brother and your thoughts on how you can help. She probably would've gone along with it (you earned the money after all)... because you included her and made her feel like she was valued and part of the decision. Instead, she feels like you patted her on the head and said "Don't worry about this little girl, daddy's got it." Sometimes that works... this time it didn't.

She "sacrificed" her career and further financial security by being a SAHM and depending on your for... everything. That makes her, in her mind, very vulnerable. Reward that by involving her in major life decisions like this. Doesn't mean asking for permission... but it means saying "Here's what's going on. Waddya think?"

[–]RedAlertAndFullSpeed[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Solid point. The SAHM comments were very raw and vulnerable. I see shutting her out like that isn't leading her.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

"You know what, baby? You're right. I absolutely should have involved you up front. It was a big decision. I was being pro-active and taking charge and wanted to help him out..and failed to involve my partner in crime. I apologize for that. And in case I haven't made it clear, I value everything you do for our family. I think you do a great job and we're all lucky to have you." Then you go away and leave her in a mushy pile of luvvy goo... Return home later to the biggest mom slut on the planet.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (20 children) | Copy

I just pictured a 5 year old ranting.

I understand what you mean by this, but she isn't a 5 year old. She is your wife who is worried about you dropping a few grand.

Also, she did wait until the vacation was over, she started the conversation with a need for comfort - reward that type of behavior.

If I were you and made that call, I'd of been super blunt and let it play out.

Babe, he's my brother and I felt obligated to take care of him because of what happened - Period You went 'I'm a leader' mode and you aren't there yet as she doesn't trust you.

Why don't you want to go to the marriage counselor? It may provide an opportunity for you to see what is really bothering your wife.

Probably it's her losing her control and you changing the 'rules' of the relationship - but maybe you can see if it is more than that.

Maybe she is feeling bogged down with the kids or she lost her sense of purpose by becoming a SAHM - know and understand your woman brother.

[–]SOAADDICT2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

know and understand your woman brother.

This cannot be underestimated. AWALT is not AWALTS. All the RP knowledge in the world is only going to help so much if you don't understand your woman, and it sounds like OP's wife is having some identity issues. He should lead her through them by helping her understand her worth in the family is not measured in dollars earned, instead of using at a tool to smash her down.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

u/TheFamilyAlpha, you are one of the few around here that will at least challenge the "She's a child; ignore her; she needs to bend to your will" line.

If my husband treated me like a child during a serious discussion, I would be out of there.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's a child; ignore her; she needs to bend to your will" line.

If that is a man's approach, you should leave. The whole most responsible teenager has to do with a woman's ability to completely immerse herself in moments as well as disassociate herself from her actions.

This doesn't mean view her as a child - it means remember she is a woman and act accordingly.

You and I don't think the same because I'm a masculine dude and you're a feminine chick - that's ok.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The whole "child/teenager thing" is to help us remember that women are more likely to have an emotional response in the moment, and to not take it tooo seriously.

very often the So's/ wives of the guys in here will say stuff that is honestly cruel and uncalled for, then say "well I didn't mean it, you should forgive me"

That is what the "most responsible teenager" thing is for.

It's not for serious logical discussions

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

lost her sense of purpose by becoming a SAHM

This is an absolute thing. Society does all genders a disservice. Being a SAHM should be a rewarding thing. There should be pride that the family can achieve the opportunity for one to stay home and focus there.

Sadly...it isn't looked upon as a good thing.

Of all the things I have to work on this isn't one. In fact, while I knocked out a masters degree, got a paramedic license she revealed to me that she has always wanted to be Physicians Assistant, but never felt she was good enough.

Next day? We enrolled her in medical classes, she just got her EMT license, and will take Paramedic in the fall...get the contact hours she needs to apply to PA school....all part time...we built a 6 year plan to get her to become a PA, which is when the kids are old enough to leave. High pay off for me at the end is that I retire early and I can move on to other life goals well ahead of where I thought.

The thing is she needs to know it doesn't end with being a SAHM. The kids will get older and move out...then where is she? Make sure nows where the future is what her role in it is.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm glad you made this response as my wife is getting into medical and I hadn't considered seeing if she'd want to look into EMT before school started.

Sadly...it isn't looked upon as a good thing.

Similar to the word Submissive. My wife, when she told me that she loved being a submissive woman, felt like she was betraying her gender as if saying that was a bad thing.

Now, she owns that shit.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

EMT/Paramedic is the gate way. A lot do it then jump into nursing or where ever.

It gives them patient contact hours and is a good basic course. Not to mention the environment is very much military. They are considered a paramilitary group so she will get a dose of your world.

good stuff all around.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

High pay off for me at the end is that I retire early and I can move on to other life goals well ahead of where I thought.

Or she has PA in hand, that you paid for, and she leaves you. Not saying this is going to happen; but I have seen this exact story play out multiple times. If fact, of the SAHM that went second career route with husband paying for degree.....more left than stayed.

Stay vigilant brother.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Actually...thats the best case scenario because then both our careers will be evenly matched and I walk out scott free.

Our kids will be 18 by then as well.

I can replace her next week.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Sounds like you have your head screwed on tight. EXCELLENT

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks, brother...seriously.

[–]RedAlertAndFullSpeed[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You went 'I'm a leader' mode and you aren't there yet as she doesn't trust you.

Truth.

Why don't you want to go to the marriage counselor? It may provide an opportunity for you to see what is really bothering your wife.

Interesting. The last time I went to a marriage counselor I was a raging beta-workaholic who was told to spend more quality time with the wife, and wife was told to do more physical touch, initiate and do wifely duties once in a while. We worked on Love Languages. Ah the memories. I don't like the guilt tactic that was pushed on my wife by the counselor, when i think about it now. Won't be a problem now. I viewed it as largely a wast of time. But, it could be another way get to know the new her as she is changing with me, my whole life view is so different now. I need to think on this.

Maybe she is feeling bogged down with the kids or she lost her sense of purpose by becoming a SAHM

This resonates with me, she is a go-getter. Very involved with kid's elementary school. Volunteers all day twice a week and has a small cleaning business that she fits in around the kids school schedule that is roughly 8 hours a week.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Love Languages [...] I don't like the guilt tactic that was pushed on my wife by the counselor

I recommend people stay away from Love Languages for this reason.

Counseling could be enlightening, like TFA suggests. You're already aware of how bad marriage counseling could be, so I doubt you'll take much time bouncing outta there if things get pushy again, for either of you. Get what you need out of it.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (6 children) | Copy

Emotionally, they are all 5.

Doesnt mean she's an idiot, just emotional

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Emotionally, they are all 5. Doesnt mean she's an idiot, just emotional

The age is irrelevant - you say 5, some say 10, some say 18 - I say it doesn't matter. Understand she is a chick who is totally in the moment factor that in to the plan you set and how you interact.

Don't think your years of hard work set you up for years of easy living.

Every day, every moment is time to grind.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't think your years of hard work set you up for years of easy living.

Biggest covert contract of them all, married, or single, and not just sexual strategy.

[–]SOAADDICT1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Five? Do you really believe that? The RP stance is that she is the oldest teenager in the house. She has less control of her emotions than you do, but she's not going to literally toss herself on the floor and throw a tantrum in the candy aisle at the grocery store. If she's acting that emotionally inept she is not being led well, or she's not a woman worthy of LTR.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Mine sat on the floor, facing the wall early on when I was making a budget, crying. Then she got up, sat on my lap, and started changing line items, happy as day. The main event, I swear her arms weren't working, flopping around. She puts on her little girl voice when she is unhappy about something, cried because our offer on a condo last week fell through...

The age doesn't matter, I say 4 usually, because when guys get mad at their wives I ask them if they'd get mad at a 4 year old for being 4.

Usually gets the point across just fine.

I'm not looking for an accurate emotional age here, but a mindset.

You don't rage on a 4 year old for emotions. You don't hold a 4 year old responsible if you give them too much responsibility.

A teenager? You can BS yourself into thinking they are adults, and "should" do something a certain way.

4 year old? You default to taking responsibility, because they are 4.

So yeah, I do, it's deliberate, and I don't get angry at the spouse for things. It works for me. If you wanna throw out some shame because "that's not nice!" that's on you.

8 years in, the only time I had problems was when I didn't think of her like a child, and ended up here.

[–]SOAADDICT1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Right on, that's solid. Makes sense as a strategy. Personally I expect mine to have more of a handle on her emotions than to do things like sob while budgeting, and she has been able to live up to that so far, but many men aren't so lucky I guess.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Girls cry, it's what they do. If you got a stoic, good on you.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

My younger brother became incapacitated probably for life. [...] My older brother and I went back and visited my mom at the hospital. On the way down we decided that we will split whats left on my brother's school loan and pay it off.

This is pretty noble, but as mentioned elsewhere, there are plenty of other ways to defer or nullify these loans. You have months to figure it out. At the very least, post to /r/personalfinance for some advice before paying thousands toward something that may be entirely avoidable (unless you or someone in your family are co-signers).

At the same time, why would you rush in to cover his expenses? I mean, I get that he's incapacitated and may be in financial straights, and that family helps family... but are you being an oak for your brother/parents or are you being a white knight? There is a difference between providing emotional support and leadership, and trying to fix everything to make everyone feel better.

Part of the MRP journey is calibrating your reaction to life events, small and large. It seems like you are doing well getting your family life under control, especially balancing vacation and medical shit at the same time -- huge kudos on that. And I'm not even close to suggesting that you don't help your brother out, but this seems like you saw a chance to act and jumped at it.

I just pictured a 5 year old ranting.

That image is useful when she's emotional over something trivial, like throwing a fit over dirty laundry. But your wife, who seems to be coming into your frame otherwise, just saw you impulsively take on a huge burden for little gain and is suitably concerned. She's looking for reassurance that this new you isn't just a "phase", and that you're not just shutting her out. Part of bringing her into your frame is to show her strength and understanding, and not just STFU when she's upset.

"There was a need and i took care of it."

This was probably the line that triggered it all. Being a leader is not about making all of the decisions, but about framing the problems and finding solutions. It's great that you can plan a vacation down the T, and I'm sure she appreciated that, but you can't cut her out of everything either. It's especially hard when she gives up a career to be a SAHM, and then you start acting like "the boss" because you're the one making all the money.

When TFA or BPP talk about having a "submissive" wife, they don't mean that she's checked out of the decision process. It means that they usually get first word, but that they are still a team that communicates and makes a plan. Remember, you are in this together for the long haul. She wants you to lead her on the path, but she still wants to have a say in the direction... and occasionally to hold your hand.

[–]RedAlertAndFullSpeed[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is pretty noble, but as mentioned elsewhere, there are plenty of other ways to defer or nullify these loans. You have months to figure it out. At the very least, post to /r/personalfinance for some advice before paying thousands toward something that may be entirely avoidable (unless you or someone in your family are co-signers).

Parents co-signed the loan, and my brother was already in bad standing as he was struggling to make payments. Looking back now, I realize that I should have slowed down and contacted a real life lawyah to see what was possible beyond my brief research and knowledge of loans. Thanks u/CaveatEmptorLex1.

but are you being an oak for your brother/parents or are you being a white knight? There is a difference between providing emotional support and leadership, and trying to fix everything to make everyone feel better. Part of the MRP journey is calibrating your reaction to life events, small and large

I see what you are getting at, point taken. He's my little brother and I viewed it as I was looking out for him. I wouldn't change the action of taking responsibility, but would change the final action/reaction I took.

She's looking for reassurance that this new you isn't just a "phase", and that you're not just shutting her out. Part of bringing her into your frame is to show her strength and understanding, and not just STFU when she's upset.

This. As u/abdada and many other have pointed out, I need to focus on this.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well, so far as money decisions go: I've run the gambit of how to handle: did it first then informed her (with expected outcome), but I was at a nuclear stage. Things weren't at an improvement point.

Told her I was going to do something major, then did it. Hoped she'd be on board , but it was in an area of which is under my sphere of responsibility so I saw it as more of a prep for her. Got some tests out of it, but eventually everything worked out as I demonstrated I was being competent and not a drunk captain.

And then there's the types of things to get your first-mate's input and discuss beforehand. This, to me, would have been one of them. Because it involves 'gifting' a shared asset. You were also making a decision about your shared outcome with input from your mother. So it's not like you were commanding a lead decision. It would be different to me if this was some rainy day fun money you were saving up on your own.

Again it also fits the situation. You want to encourage good behavior. Bonding and team building when things are improving.

It's EASY to overshoot when you get those first tastes of success and turnaround. And their response to follow and solidify their status with the new you (sex) can be replaced by fear and unease. Dread's good when it's in her head. Dread's bad when it's demonstrably true ("You're taking all our money and giving it awayyyyy").

You caught yourself explaining your turnaround and stopped, that was good. But you've already pulled the trigger on the gift, so I'd put on a pensive face and tell her you will definitely include her in the future and you understand how it affected her. Then leave it at that.

While you had all the details of what she said , the overall emotion is lack of trust in her standing with you and not liking being bumped down to a deck hand when she's been stepping up her game as well (bj's etc). Consulting with your first mate isn't an abdication of your captain status. It's a given courtesy and faith in them sometimes. Otherwise why'd you give them the job?

[–]abdadaRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's saying a lot, but is she doing anything to back up her words?

If not, assign values to what were shit tests and what were comfort tests.

I don't feel any Main Event in this tirade of hers. I feel like it's yet another juncture where she will amplify the shit-and-comfort-tests to see if the new you is the real you, or just fresh make-up ready to come off at the first sign of sweating.

Stoic oak tree should be the real you. The emotional response at this time should be dead and gone. She's filling in the emotional response, which is expected as it's her role. She has to become comfortable with that side of the relationship, so it's expected that she'll be a bit manic at first.

Keep driving, keep leading, keep control of your actions and keep making yourself a better man for wherever life takes you. This isn't even a road bump, this is just the gravelly transition on the highway ahead.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Heheheh, i can see the WISNIFG on your dialog. I just would cut out the "im improving myself, im leading the family, etc...". Thats not needed to be said, thats shown by action. Seems like the little kid thats on the lap of his father on the front seat of the car saying "look! look! im driving!"

You dont have to ask for her permission, but you can make her aware of the situation so that she is a part of the decision (or at least feels like she is). Let her talk, hear her talking and show interest, they love to talk, even if you are not gonna follow what she says. "This and this happened to my brother, so im going to get money from our savings to pay of his debt..." and so on.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Doesnt seem like a main event, they are for when she is yelling that shit is over and she's had enough rather than talking about how your marriage will be in the future.

Regardless, it's hard to interpret how you handled this without knowing who usually takes care of the finances. If you are the main go to, then she doesnt need any explanation beyond what you gave, that you have it under control. If she is in control or it's 50/50, 40/60, then acquire control #1. #2 yeah you cant just go giving away thousands without some kind of communication.

[–]KyfhoMyoba0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I would go to the marriage counselor a couple of times just to check them out and see what they're up to. Probably no good, but it does pay to know your enemy.

Meantime, keep on keeping on.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

you DEERed in the main event, which is why it went so poorly (explained exactly what you were doing and why). There were better ways to handle it. Whenever my Mrs. gets like this, I pressure flip it. Could have said something like "a family member is incapacitated for life and we helped him out, isn't that what family does for each other? Would you be happy if our kid #1 helped our kid #2 if they were in that situation?" Make it so that the only responses she can give either agree with you or make her look like an abject asshole.

this is not the end. Since you failed the main event, there will be more to come. Search on here and MRP for posts and top comments on how to deal with main events so you'll be better prepared next time.

[–]red-pill-man-3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy

All of the choreplay you're doing for your stay at home wife is doing wonders huh?

[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Chore play is doing chores as a covert contract exchange for sex; If I do the dishes tonight then she should have to have sex with me.

What I gathered from him us that he's just doing shit around the house that needs to be done. If he's comfortable doing that, and expects nothing in return along the lines of a covert contract, then there is nothing wrong with doing shit to get shit done.

Doing chores is actually a way to instill low.level dread: she wants attention but you can't give it because you are busy; the laundry is more important than her. This only works if she is a lazy shit that does nothing. If she is already pulling her weight, then doing chores is either a way to get them done faster and sooner or because she is busy with something else.

What OP is doing is not choreplay.



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