Insufficient boundaries or absence of attraction?

FearDearg2015 · 2016-05-12T00:42:05+00:00

I actively shut down all flirting and keep the interactions to formal/semi-formal level as that is what I think is right.

Interesting. Might be worth your time doing some solid introspection here to get a real sense of what you are really doing here. I am certain (because it happened to me) that there is a "nice guy" interpretation here which goes something like : allowing those women to flirt with me, or leading them on to think something might happen is disrespectful to my wife and also to the woman. If that's where you are coming from, then I think you would do well to examine your motivations and assess whether they make any sense.

But I do find it disrespectful when she allows guys to harmlessly flirt with her and engages them, sometimes at the cost of ignoring me.

See? Like a classic nice guy, you are trying to hold her to the same standard you claim to hold yourself to. It's a covert contract. You belive that there is some universal "right way" to behave, and you are upset that she does not conform to that. This is made worse because you yourself believe it so much that you conform to it yourself. You believe there is an injustice here. That's some faggotry right there. That's chump behaviour. That's weak sauce.

You label it as "harmless". Make your mind up. It's either "harmless" or harmful. And your definition of harm here is all centered on how you feel about it. You know that your feelings are worth shit, right? You know that your feelings are just your ego is interpretation of a situation, right? You know that your feelings are not an actual representation of "truth", right? I mean, sure, they are there, they exist etc., but they are just "feelings". They are not canonical truths. You care about your own feelings so much, and you label yourself with them so much, that you find it difficult to accept the reality that not everyone (eg. Your wife) will share the same feelings as you for a given situation. Faggotry. Weak shit. Pussy ass bitch. Miserable excuse for a masculine man.

Yeah, it's /r/askmrp, so I gotta give the obligatory pat on the back to you for "sharing", but your victim puke will only be worth something if it draws fire for you and makes you reflect on your mission and make the necessary adjustments.

My general advice to you (and everyone) is to examine the impact of your ego on your life. Understand it. Your ego keeps you living in the blue pill dream state where everything is complicated by all the other egos. Kill your ego and swallow the red pill, and reach the place where everything is simple, because nothing else matters

cholomite · 2016-05-11T22:28:14+00:00

Telling your wife not to get hit on by other guys is not a boundry I would lay down. It is mate guarding and it's no good. She either does this to shit test you, or because she doesn't respect you and wants attention from guys she actually respects. For whatever reason, your attention and validation mean less to her than that of other guys.

Either way, stop giving a fuck. You should be so busy engaging everyone and running the room that you don't even notice her getting hit on by other guys, or eating it up. Obviously that's easier said than done, but you get my point.

Whatever you do, do not let on that you care, or notice at all.

over60_stupid_loner · 2016-05-12T06:16:13+00:00

OP here's my summary of what I see…....

Your wife does "harmless flirting in front of you" and you "suck at game". You kind of resent that she can do that so easily. You draw IOI from others in front of her too, but somehow that doesn't get you the validation you want from your wife.

After 1 month on MRP you are discouraged that she isn't responding to your changes and you are still spending (maybe wasting) time thinking about divorce.

Suppose you had been playing hockey for 10 years and really sucked at it. If I told you I could teach you how to play Olympic level hockey in 1, 2, or even 3 months, do you think YOU would be stupid to believe ME? Well the things you need to do to improve yourself are going to take a while.

You see part of the problem is you want it all too fast. Sad to say you aren't superman. Further your gauge of your progress is still all about how your wife is validating your changes. You have to be your own gauge and start the HARD work of ending your need for her validation. This is hard work. Lifting is easier. And never forget that she is going to be about 6 months behind in noticing your changes because you sucked as a hockey player for so long.

The good news is, you are starting to do some of the things you need to do to become the man a woman wants to be with. Press on.

mrprider · 2016-05-12T06:47:39+00:00

Covert contract, I don't flirt back, so she shouldn't either...

If you want to make this a thing, then stop being a bitch about it. Your theme on your posts seems to want desire and respect... Are you worthy of it? You say you have no game, skinny fat, yet you can pull all kinds of HBs. One of these things doesn't fit.

Be the guy worth respecting

blarggggggggggg · 2016-05-12T00:06:29+00:00

Yup, lots of red flags. You chose poorly due to your ignorance 10 years ago. But currently, I'd look into why it makes you feel bad to be ignored from her. You should be so awesome and self-contained that you do not require any of this from her. Conveying displeasure will do nothing but make you look pretty and insecure - any attraction she feels will currently decrease.

My keeping your own, possibly flirtatious, interactions formal/semi-formal you are actively sabotaging yourself and any sense of possible dread that could be created in the relationship. Flirting can be a completely innocent and fun part of life. It will lead to nothing if you don't let it and will be positive fuel for your current relationship.

What about a reframe?

You can only control you and be the best you can be. You are considering divorce and aren't 100% certain about your wife or your relationship. If your wife wants to flirt and attention-whore, that is beyond your control. If it leads her to jumping on some other guy's dick - you have a very clear, easy and definitive answer about whether or not you should bail. In fact, the more orbiters she has the better - if you dump her on her ass the breakup will be much less difficult for you if she has some other dude she can quickly replace you with and move her bullshit onto him instead of you.

She ignores you, whatever, go off to another group of people and do your own thing.

[deleted] · 2016-05-12T10:58:53+00:00

Since at this point just about every other guy out alphas you to your wife, if your wife is attractive she'll get hit on and will respond. If you're not actively engaged in an animated flirty convo with someone else start working in a.m.o.g. diffusion tactics. 3 - 6 for your situation..

[deleted] · 2016-05-12T17:58:10+00:00

35M, 34F, together 10 years, no kids.

Only after arriving here I realized she has had some major red flags - mainly guy friends, separated parents, never owns her mistakes, doesn't do feminine things at all, tomboyish, attention craving, likes her 'freedom' and considers me old fashioned.

Put the work into fixing you. Do all the things that feardearg2015 told you to do. There's no point in saving this marriage. I would recommend that you divorce her, fix yourself, and start over.

the_Zambony · 2016-05-12T20:43:10+00:00

Flirting with other guys in front of you is a show of massive disrespect (in my book anyway.)

Disrespect = lack of attraction, i.e. she could care less about you.

There is nothing you can do about other guys flirting /hitting on your wife, how her behavior should be addressed.

Set boundaries (no flirting with guys) , the consequences for crossing them (the marriage is now an open one or terminated, your choice) and enforced (you actually follow through. )

SorcererKing · 2016-05-14T18:48:38+00:00

You got some great analysis here by some of our top contributors, and I don't have much to add, except maybe to point you to this and this.

KyfhoMyoba · 2016-05-15T21:15:33+00:00

Insufficient boundaries produce absence of attraction.

And I actively shut down all flirting and keep the interactions to formal/semi-formal level as that is what I think is right.

Aaaaaaaand that's why you're failing. You are consciously and deliberately sabotaging your own Dread. Game.

IOW, try actively flirting with oth/er women in front of your wife before you start calling lawyers.

And I second /u/ cholomite's advice - beta males mate guard, alpha males disregard. There is a post today on the main sub about a guy that travelled about 1000 miles with his LTR gf to go to her 10 yr HS reunion. She went to the restroom and was gone for way too long. He hunted her down and spotted her in a group of several people, incl a couple of Chads that seemed pretty into her. He got a hold of himself, made sure she didn't see him, and went back to the gym and found a couple of slutty hotties to grind with. Within 5 minutes, the GF finds him and doesn't leave his side the rest of the night, sitting on his lap, holding his hand, etc.

Think on these things.

Title	Insufficient boundaries or absence of attraction?
Author	mrprider
Upvotes	3
Comments	44
Date	May 11, 2016 10:02 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4ixeth/insufficient_boundaries_or_absence_of_attraction/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/insufficient-boundaries-or-absence-of-attraction.207434 https://theredarchive.com/post/207434

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