Handling Disrespect

cholomite · 2016-03-15T12:41:32+00:00

You're failing because you give a fuck about what she and the others in the group think. I don't know what kinds of embarrassing stories she's telling about you, but whatever it is (with a few exceptions) just own it, laugh about it and flip it on her.

Stop giving a fuck about what people think, or being embarrased or any of that shit. Again, I don't know what type of stories she is sharing, but I bet you can amplify it with some comedic success and flip it back on her and put her on the spot. Obviously you know that bitching and explaining yourself make you look bad, and you're right. Where you're going wrong is in the moment when she starts telling a certain story and you get social anxiety about it. If you want, give some examples and maybe I can suggest some funny ways to play it off and flip it on her.

Or, in the case that these stories truly do cross a line, all you can do is tell her to stop, and if she doesn't then stop hanging out with her and giving her your time.

AnOldSouI · 2016-03-15T12:26:59+00:00

Beyond that, I've been practicing AM and A&A a lot to blow away shit tests but it only works half the time. The other half being that she just gets bitchier with me.

AM/A&A won't work if you are still a beta bitch.

Shit tests happen for a reason. She has been the dominant person in the relationship, and these tests are poking your frame to see if you really are becoming Alpha, or if you are just faking it. At this point she absolutely knows you are faking it, because of things like:

later when we're alone I usually express my distaste for that type of behavior

"Honey, it really hurt my feelings when you embarrassed me for being a weaksauce man earlier tonight. Can you stop doing that, please?"

Pretend for a minute we are sailing on the Atlantic in 1787. You are the First Officer, and your captain has secluded himself in his cabin drinking rum because the sea scares him. By this 15th voyage across the ocean, you, and the rest of the crew, have accepted that you are the de facto Captain, and everyone is happy with that, except you because now you have to play both roles, and that's not what you signed up for. Being in charge is kind of cool though, so you accept the situation.

One day, in the middle of the crossing, your Captain bursts out of his cabin, and suddenly starts barking orders to the crew. He walks up to you and says, "Look here now, I'm in charge of thish thip, an I dern't appreshhhhhiate you ordin ma crew round."

He's done this some before, so you tell him to shut up, hand him another bottle and remind him of the big scary ocean. As he shuffles back off to his cabin you congratulate yourself on a job well done. Men like him can't be allowed control of the ship, he'd run it into a reef and strand everyone in no time!

I am not telling you to stop practicing AM/A&A, what I am saying is that it won't work until you do everything else. A fat, lazy, unemployed, man playing xbox in his basement all day in his boxers can't expect AM/A&A to work as planned.

I'm not going tell you to sidebar or the usual stuff, because whatever you are doing, it isn't working and you need to step up your effort. Shit tests like these are a good barometer for you to judge your progress, nothing more. When you start handling them, you'll know you are on the right track.

AnOldSouI · 2016-03-15T13:07:54+00:00

And when it isn't a shit test, it's usually her just blatantly telling embarrassing stories about me to others that I would rather her not discuss openly. I don't know what type of test this would be considered.

Simple question: Why are you putting up with that behavior?

Shut it down when it happens. Send the signal that you don't tolerate it. She acts like a 4 year old...you act like the adult. The easy way until you can master other techniques is to just leave. In no matter of fact way just tell her you don't tolerate people to treat you like that. End story. NO discussion. Let her hamster spin and justify it. Don't engage.

but later when we're alone I usually express my distaste for that type of behavior, she agrees it was wrong and we move on.

Correction. She realizes she has control over you and you came crawling back. "Please stop making fun of me"

how about saying. "Do it again and we are done"

Until it happens again

Exactly. Because it's fun and she's the center of attention. Don't engage her engage the behavior.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-03-15T14:02:39+00:00

À 4 year old called me a stupid head. How do I handle this?

Scurvemuch · 2016-03-15T15:26:41+00:00

"Hey remember that time you did that stupid thing"

"Heh, that was probably funny. I just remember you blowing me in the car on the way back"

Ok this is not the best way to handle social situations. But that is the attitude you need to develop

babalusobral · 2016-03-16T00:46:00+00:00

You laid out a boundary. You told her to stop telling stories about when you're out with friends. She agreed to stop yet keeps doing it.

She hasn't respected your boundary and keeps testing you. Leave her at home and stop taking her out.

What_is_real_anymore · 2016-03-15T10:54:38+00:00

How about you be the harshly honest man with yourself. You don't respect yourself. How will she? Read nmmng, create a MAP, and post in OYS weekly. You aren't planning your life, preparing, or steering your ship. You have the benefit of knowing what behavior ticks you off. Set the boundary. She may say, quit being a crybaby. That's where you need to figure out if you really are being a child or if her behavior is genuinely disrespectful. Then you enforce consequences. Ever work for a boss who was all talk but would never follow through with the dead weight that was bringing everyone down? You hated that guy. That's you, boss.

il-est-ressuscite · 2016-03-15T20:41:25+00:00

I think it's just a boiling stew of her having some pretty fucking shitty manners combined with a shitload of hostility towards you and a secure knowledge that you'll tolerate the treatment because you misplaced both your spine AND your balls. Better start hunting them up. Check her purse.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-03-17T03:09:38+00:00

I have a couple podcasts on Shit Tests and the "Shit Test/Comfort Test Game" so check it out. You may want to check out the Drunk Captain as well.

https://bluepillprofessor.wordpress.com/2015/05/22/hello-world/

Bottom line: Your wife doesn't respect you. What are you doing about it? I get that your wife has defeated you. I was defeated not long ago but I fought back and so can you.

Have you seen my 12 steps of Dread post? You are still trying to figure out level 1.

Have you seen the Oracle Story?.

What are you doing to be a more attractive, in-charge man?

Have you read NMMNG? And MMSL? And The Mindful Attraction Plan? And The Rational Male year 1. My book also covers all of these with 240 footnotes to this material.

cj_aubrey · 2016-03-15T15:37:31+00:00

Correct A&A on this type of shit test is laugh at her story and then be like

"Ha, ha. Yeah, so while we're telling funny stories let me tell you the one about when [your gf did something embarrassing]. Ha, ha, isn't that a funny story!"

And when she shouts at you about this later you just respond with more A&A by laughing and going "what, I thought we were telling funny stories, you got me into it. You didn't think that story was funny? I sure as fuck did."

Dead easy OP.

Ive_Had_Enuf · 2016-03-15T14:24:31+00:00

And when it isn't a shit test, it's usually her just blatantly telling embarrassing stories about me to others that I would rather her not discuss openly.

Why do you give a fuck what other people think of you when she tells these embarrassing stories? You should just own your shit, but instead you ...

usually express my distaste for that type of behavior,

It's one thing to set a boundary if you are the type of man that can set one. It's another to act butthurt and let her know that she's breaking your frame. Which one is it?

But how can I achieve more permanent changes rather than temporary ones I've been seeing?

Read. Lift. Develop and implement your MAP. Slowly you will start to become a MAN worthy of respect. Don't expect to change overnight.

My hamster is usually running 1,000 mph, I'm explaining/rationalizing/arguing to the fullest extent and I have zero finesse.

You are reliant on her validation. You shouldn't be. Read WISNIFG again.

I understand this may be met with comments such as, "There's a ton of information on this already." I would usually search that out first but this time I'd like to get a post out here and see what advice I might catch

Translation: I am being lazy and want a shortcut.

There is no shortcut. Put in the time. Put in the work. Learn to respect yourself.

Title	Handling Disrespect
Author	AnOldSouI
Upvotes	2
Comments	32
Date	March 15, 2016 10:10 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4ahtga/handling_disrespect/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/handling-disrespect.207598 https://theredarchive.com/post/207598

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