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Comfort test -> Shit test

Reddit View
December 15, 2015
6 upvotes

I was drawn into what I believed was a comfort test a few days back and it quickly turned into a shit test. I've had this happen before pre red pill but found myself struggling a bit here still.

  So I've been holding frame better, retracting time and affection when given hard no's for sex, and I believe it was getting to her (some success right?). It definately has not turned around the lack of passion (wanting me to fuck her) , and the frequency has only slightly increased (which I attribute to me closing all the time) but that's not the point of this. The point is we were both just standing there in an embrace as we do from time to time and she starts crying, saying that she feels like she's in a rutt, that there's something wrong with our relationship, that we don't do things together. There's a lot of "I feel" and "we" words so I'm thinking comfort test. I hold her, offer words of encouragement that we as a family are all going out and doing out Christmas traditions together, and try to lighten the mood with a joke here and there, which she laughs to.

  Then suddenly it turns hard. She counters with "Yeah but those are all family things, we don't do things together, and I feel like you just want me for sex." (Notice the you's start flying). I respond that if I only wanted her for sex I wouldn't be doing family things and bought a house with her, etc.) A few more "you's" and accusations fly out and I respond with silence. After about 20 seconds she prods for a response and I say "look, I'm not going to sit in the defendants chair here, I'm just not. I have tried to take you to activities with me..." and she let's loose (in a condescending, your activities are a joke tone) "like what, rock climbing?" I immediately reply with a simple "Ok" and walk away. As in ok I'm not going to talk to you when you act like that.

  She then has the balls to say "see I'm trying to talk to you and you do that". I go downstairs.

  Overall I give myself a C for this. I realized I wasn't thinking on my feet even as it was happening, and although I didn't get sucked into an argument which I would have inevitably been on the defensive, I still didn't swat it away as well as I could have. My question is, it's much easier to swat away shit tests when they are just that. But when she starts with what looks like a need for comfort, then tries to stab you in the back, and the tone is practically 'here I was wanting comfort and just because I took a cheap shot you're walking away how could you?' You know, as I write it out it really does seem like I responded correctly...but something about the confrontation isn't sitting right with me and I don't know what it is...opinions?


Post Information
Title Comfort test -> Shit test
Author GargantuaBlarg29
Upvotes 6
Comments 18
Date 15 December 2015 01:23 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207822
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3wxpk1/comfort_test_shit_test/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
hard noframeshit testcomfort testthe red pill
Comments

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy

I feel like you just want me for sex.

It's the keystone. Own it.

You should be worried about the day I don't want you for sex anymore honey...

Let me ask you this to get my point across. That house you keep bringing up, if you weren't ever having sex, would you have done it? What about all that family stuff? Is her personality, easy going nature and pleasant company worth a few hundred thousand dollar investment and continued monogamy from your part?

So yeah, you do just want her for the sex, and that's OK. The rest is there for her to convince you that she's worth your time after sex.

As for this silly argument, why engage it at all? Do you think you are boring and insufficiently providing tingles? Do you think her behaviour lately is worth the effort? Put yourself in that chair, what would you say to the guy in this story, because he's the only one that matters

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Hit the nail on the head here as well. I need to get it in my head that just wanting her for sex is not BAD. That she needs to bring value outside of that as well. Thanks.

[–]enfier0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I wouldn't explicitly say it though. Never resort to overt communication when the covert communication in nailing the point home already.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I can say from my own experience, that italicized line does give pause...

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy

Hindsight is 2020, don't beat yourself up over it to bad. I get hit with comfort turned shit tests all the time. Because of that whenever a questionable comfort test comes up (questionable in the sense that she's not sobbing on me begging for my love) I always have my cocky asshole response qued up. Your time to shine was when she told you all you wanted was sex. That's when you tell her you also want her for sandwiches, or a spare kidney, or any other A&A response. Go in for a hug to seal the deal and get ready for a punch on the arm as she gets turned on by you.

Hopefully you've realized how pointless it is to try to explain yourself or justify your opinion with logic and reason. Words mean nothing for men, only actions.

One other thing, and I'm not sure if others do this as well. I rarely, if ever walk away from an argument or an ongoing shit test, unless I was already going to leave or have something else to do. I am where I am, I'm not going to leave because she wants to get shitty with me. It's not always easy and sometimes you just have to go because she's too fired up, but I always try to hold my ground as best I can.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're right. The soft pitch was the 'you only want me for sex' and I could have homer'd it with A&A. I heard the 'if I only wanted you for...then I wouldn't have' on MRP before so I thought I'd go that route but now that you say it for what it is (arguing logically) I see i should have known better.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I rarely, if ever walk away from an argument or an ongoing shit test

I disagree fundamentally to this. You go where is best for you. You dont stay to prove anything to her, that is accepting her as the judge of you, and is operating from her frame. You do as you want. If things aren't fun at home, it is perfectly ok to just go meet friends, go to the bar, etc. Withdrawing attention is always better than fighting. Sometimes children misbehave just to get attention. Even arguing is a form of attention and rewarding the bad behavior. Women do the same. So if there is nothing to be gain by staying, then, go do something better for yourself. Let the dread work on her.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree with you. I didn't mean you stay there until you prove your point or continue arguing until you're out of breath. It's tough to put into words but there will be times when my girl will come and confront me in a small space, like a kitchen or hallway, and try to get in my face and almost force me out. I think it's better to A&A, slap her ass, then just look her in the eyes until she backs down and leaves. I just don't like walking out mid shit test unless I absolutely have to. But you definitely have a point, it's a fine line and you don't want to stick around just for her approval.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with that. You dont have to leave just because she shit tests. You handle it like a champ then get back to your stuff. However, if yoh are tempted to argue, by all means leave. It is better than grtting into her frame to engage her hamster.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Strat is correct. The number one response to a marital shit test is NOT A and A. It is IGNORE. If you can't completely ignore her bitching and whining it is almost always best to leave- and leave quickly before she smells your reaction and chalks up her cruel little victory.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If the guy doesn't have the frame to ignore, he most certainly doesn't have the frame to pull off A&A, and the A&A might come off weak. I think this happens often when we see guys saying "I tried A&A, but wife is calling me on it, or shit testing more. What do i do now?". THe problem is the lack of frame, and women smell that very well.

[–]Redneck001Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Yeah but those are all family things, we don't do things together, and I feel like you just want me for sex." (Notice the you's start flying). I respond that if I only wanted her for sex I wouldn't be doing family things and bought a house with her, etc.)

It's easy to sit here and arm chair quarterback, but here goes:

Any response that's cocky/funny will work with the "only want me for sex." Then, initiate. You'll be surprised at how often she's DTF.

But that "I bought you a house" bullshit? Or the "all I do for this family?" No.

You're a leader. Not a paycheck. Stop looking at yourself as a paycheck.

As far as leaving, do what you want. And come back when you want.

She then has the my balls and gives them a twist and says "see I'm trying to talk to you pull you into my frame and you do that won't get back in the box I keep you and your balls in".

So, you see that you didn't do so bad here.

[–]Nogoodsense0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

In addition to all of the correct comments elsewhere here that address your technique in handling this particular situation, I would like to address what your wife was trying to tell you.

I'm sure many will disagree with me here, but I don't even think this was a shit test. It comes off more as your wife was failing to accurately communicate a concern/desire (surprise, surprise), and being incredulous that you aren't able to decipher it all.

I have no idea how far along the MRP awakening you are, but it's possible you've taken the STFU/walk away mentality and are using that as your One Trick Pony.

Sure you come off as having a better frame when she acts up, but if you don't balance this with bonding activities when things are good you end up just seeming distant.

That being said..

She is not complaining about a lack of : devotion proved through purchases, leadership, or family activities.

And, despite how it may have sounded, she's not even complaining about being invited to go along with you to your hobbies.

She responded the way she did because, apparently, those are the ONLY kind of things you've attempted to do together with her as a couple. In her mind she's thinking "Is that all he has in his arsenal?!"

She's wanting to be "romanced". Dates. Dinners. Movie nights together. Whatever. "Couple" activities that make her feel special and connected to you.

From her POV, she has a husband who is improving himself and leading the family, but who also seems entirely self absorbed and shows no interest in her aside from sex (which she is providing, presumably, due to your increasing masculinity).

And "gosh golly, here she is trying to express her feelings to you and you turn silent and walk off, you big meanie".

See? Was her manner of speaking shitty? Yes. Was she shit testing you? I doubt it. I think it was a comfort test that took a bad turn due to poor communication skills on her part.

Anwyay..

In exchange for the sex she is giving, she expects connected-ness in return. And you should be providing this. That is, after-all, the overarching quid-quo-pro of LTRs.

There is nothing anti-MRP about any of these this. It's just rewarding good behavior.

Also, since you should be in charge of arranging these Couple Activities, and also surprising her from time to time, it keeps things interesting, gives you an opportunity to lead in picking the activity, and shows initiative on your part. Women love this.

So pick a movie and rent it. Or go see one. Or pick a new dining spot and surprise her one night with a date. Or, if you're lucky enough to have time, join a couple dance class.

Or hell, one evening just sit down together with a glass of wine and TALK with her about stuff. Not logistics. Not family problems. Just stuff. Things you and her find interesting. If you're doing your MAP correctly you should have plenty of interesting things to talk about.

She is your second-in-command. It's a partnership that needs bonding. She enables bonding via sex. You enable it via time and attention - to her; not to the family et al - to her. Make sure that happens.

Edit: added a few details, fixed a few things.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with everything you've said. Will address a few points for clarification,...my post lacks some of these points to focus on this issue, and also because I only visit TRP on my phone so as not to leave any trail on home computer...which males for an annoying time typing this out on a phone keyboard. Anyway, I'm about 4 months in to TRP, but have been reading books like NMMNG before finding this forum from a year ago:

 

taken the STFU/walk away mentality and are using that as your One Trick Pony...

A good point. With respect to arguments I only use this when she pulls what she just pulled, I.E. the 'let's talk like adults but I'm going to insult you as we go along'. That kind of behavior needs to be nipped in the bud, and the message I want to deliver is if you do that, I won't indulge you in a conversation. I am a natural jokester so A&A is my main tool, but I couldn't see a use in that case.

 

those are the ONLY kind of things you've attempted to do together with her as a couple. In her mind she's thinking "Is that all he has in his arsenal?!

I believe she brought it up because this is the activity I ask her to do the most as she has the body type for it, it's only as challenging as you want to make it, and I'd give an eye to be able to do it daily. But I have tried to include her in practically everything I do, biking, running, climbing, board games, card games...I recently pulled a "put on something nice we're going to dinner...don't worry about a babysitter I got it covered" and we went out for drinks and dinner earlier that very week. Her arguement is simply unfounded in reality. In my opinion she is getting frustrated that I'm withdrawing my time/affection for her hard no's but couldn't find a way to say it so this is how it came out.

 

exchange for the sex she is giving, she expects connected-ness in return. And you should be providing this

Absolutely. My current policy is an unspoken 'you have sex with me and my time is yours for the next few hours (which usually equates to the rest of the night)...followed the next day by a gradual tapering back to alpha baseline 18-24 hours after the event.

 

Absolutely agree ahain with all your points, just clarifying with more detail. I think it was an inability to communicate on her side, but she crossed the line and an example had to be made. She was pouty the next day and I still regret missing standing up for my real desire to have sex, but when she hinted the next day that we seem out of it and she doesn't know where we'll be in a year and I OI'ed that, went home, and kissed her, you could tell she melted with that kiss as if everything was going to be okay and go back to normal. It's not of course, but her feelz were satiated.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

The point is we were both just standing there in an embrace as we do from time to time and she starts crying, saying that she feels like she's in a rutt, that there's something wrong with our relationship, that we don't do things together.

You don't make her feel special anymore? Sound right? It's lack of attraction. Attractive guys make her feel special when they do stuff for/with her. Imagine a fat hambeast offering you a blowjob or asking you to go out to dinner/dancing or something... make you feel special? no.

A few more "you's" and accusations fly out and I respond with silence. After about 20 seconds she prods for a response and I say "look, I'm not going to sit in the defendants chair here, I'm just not. I have tried to take you to activities with me..." and she let's loose (in a condescending, your activities are a joke tone) "like what, rock climbing?" I immediately reply with a simple "Ok" and walk away. As in ok I'm not going to talk to you when you act like that.

"If you continue with that sort of attitude we're going to be doing a lot less together, that's for sure."

She then has the balls to say "see I'm trying to talk to you and you do that". I go downstairs.

"Come back when you want to talk to me like an adult." - If this one makes her go nuclear, just ignore her until she calms down and apologizes. She was in the wrong when she started attacking you and your activities, that's your frame.. don't break it. You can have this conversation when she goes back to being a nice girl who is asking for comfort.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Would have preferred those replies to killing the conversation. Both send the same message, but I erred because I could not think fast enough on my feet because it was multiple blows in one comment of 1) how dare you yell at me to do shit with you, then make fun of stuff I offer to do with you 2) How dare you criticize climbing, I love climbing so fuck you if you don't 3) we just got back from doing things and we went out earlier this week so your argument is already unfounded and now you're throwing low blows? 4) how dare you act like you're upset then pull a knife on me when I attempt to say I've included you in past requests.

 

With respect to attraction, I would venture it is my withdrawal of affection/time for her hard no's she's worried about but couldn't put that emotion into words.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

1) how dare you yell at me to do shit with you, then make fun of stuff I offer to do with you ignore 2) How dare you criticize climbing, I love climbing so fuck you if you don't she's doesn't give a fuck one way or another about climbing, she's just shit testing to test your frame... don't get so heated 3) we just got back from doing things and we went out earlier this week so your argument is already unfounded and now you're throwing low blows? argument completely illogical? well you don't have to send me nudes to prove she's a woman... anyway test of your frame, million ways to swat away... 4) how dare you act like you're upset then pull a knife on me when I attempt to say I've included you in past requests. same

 

With respect to attraction, I would venture it is my withdrawal of affection/time for her hard no's she's worried about but couldn't put that emotion into words.

Look at the big picture. Withdrawal slowly based on long term sexual rejection... otherwise you're being a baby about it, honestly. OI and withdrawing affection immediately after a hard no are conflicting ideas and they're preached in the same sentence sometimes. Big picture.