What's the diffrence, doing chores and leading?

Countpudyoola · 2015-11-09T15:29:55+00:00

A lot of it is mindset and making sure you're not slipping into choreplay land (the covert contract that is ENCOURAGED by such wonderful outlets like Cosmo that doing MORE chores than your fair share somehow gets you more into her good graces).

Do what you think is your fair share and what you have time for. And what falls under your sphere of responsibility.

If you have more time and want to clean/work on a house project ...have at it.

and i see dudes doing all kinds of work at home, fixing things and they still get nothing

Disassociate the two things from being related. Attraction and your SMV are the only two things that directly impact your sex life. All else is just the shit you have to do.

Don't pick up her slack thinking it'll get you something.

strategos_autokrator · 2015-11-09T15:42:43+00:00

You are the captain. You are responsible for ALL things to run the ship successfully. ALL things. ALL of them. You constantly inspect the ship discovering things needed. You work harder at this than anyone else in the ship. Internalize this. Even if the chef dies, you as the captain are responsible to make sure the crew eats somehow, even if it means assigning others that don't know how to cook. Even if the navigator falls over board, you are responsible to take the ship back to port.

From that, of course, you delegate. If they do the work well, they add to your ship and your vision, and you are grateful. If they don't work well, you reevaluate who did you delegate things too, because what matters is not fighting about chores, but just getting shit done. This does mean you do most of the work. This does mean you are responsible for everything. This means you don't go "Mya mya myaaaa mooooommyyy, my nice shirt is dirty, moooommy".

Focus on getting shit done, not in 'fairness', not in negotiating. From that, your frame will make you do the manly things (because wife won't be able to do them anyway). This mindset also prevents her from taking the reluctant role of "chores assigners". Women do that, but when they do that, they become your mom essentially and see you as a child.

You assign tasks by delegating and trusting them. It is ok to give clear expectations of outcomes, and if they don't get done, you troubleshoot to reach the outcomes. Finger pointing and blaming is women's language. You focus on results.

RPAlternate42 · 2015-11-09T15:25:06+00:00

You are asking this question like doing manly chores = leading and that doing them should lead to something (you aren't clear.)

If you don't have a job and are supposed to, get one. In the meantime your only job, really is being productive. This includes getting a job. Resumes and applications should never stop flowing. Between interviews and job searching: fix shit around the house, clean the place, make dinner... be productive.

All this and you still must lead.

Does she work?

FearDearg2015 · 2015-11-09T15:34:09+00:00

The easy way to not lose your mind over this stuff is to live like you would if you were single. Keep your house in order, regardless of gender roles. Something needs doing? Just do it. However, there is a natural limit to how far you'll go here. The more you do, the less she will need to do, and also, you'll eventually be seen as some sort of domestic appliance, like the washing machine with a spin cycle if you are lucky. But, since you've been owning your assertiveness, and eliminated all your covert contracts, you'll never reach the "domestic appliance" end game because you'll have nexted her lazy good for nothing ass before that happens.

Sort out your priorities, and do the things that need doing in order. Gym, personal development, finances, sex, general awesomeness come before washing dishes or doing laundry. Hire a maid if you need to. Find an income source, in your case, should be trumping everything I guess.

648262 · 2015-11-09T15:46:20+00:00

The relevance is power. Did you decide to do those chores because they're needed, or did someone tell you to do them?

Trekneck · 2015-11-09T16:36:52+00:00

Don't do chores around the house with the goal of pleasing your wife or for the increased chance of "getting some." This is a covert contract, and you won't. Do chores because they need to be done and because you're not a useless slob. Wife didnt sweep the floor? Do it, because YOU want it done. Wife isnt cooking? Cook, because YOU"RE a man and need to eat.

If you're cleaning up your kitchen, all the while thinking "my wife is going to be so happy when she sees what I did" then you're doing things for all the wrong reasons.

Providing for yourself and your family, maintaining your home, keeping your home clean and your clothes washed, these are all things you're supposed to do, and would be doing even if you were single. So treat it as such, chores are not sexual stock that you can accumulate and cash in on, they're just a part of life.

That said, if you're not maintaining your home, coming home from work and spending the evening in your chair rather than keeping up the home, you're doing harm to your relationship and to yourself.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-11-10T16:35:16+00:00

i see dudes doing all kinds of work at home, fixing things and they still get nothing.

Covert Contract! Contrary to popular opinion, on MRP we do NOT eschew doing the dishes- if they need to be done and you are in a better position to do them then by God do them!

Except do them WITHOUT the covert Choreplay contract. Do them because it is YOUR ship and YOUR house and it needs to be done because YOUR wife works hard and she deserves some help.

Just understand that doing the dishes will NOT make a woman explode in vaginal fluids for you. For that you have to be the man.

Nogoodsense · 2015-11-09T15:24:45+00:00

Doing fairly split chores is not a problem. Some think doing manly chores is preferable: Fixing things, doing work outside, upgrading the house, or anything dirty or smelly. while leaving the wife to do inside chores (cooking cleaning laundry child rearing).

The problem is that these are not sexual currency. They are BB material so you can't hope to get sex from them.

More to the point, All of these are merely logistical problems that must be solved by someone just to keep the household in order.

You don't desire your wife more because she cooks a great casserole or irons your shirts. Likewise she doesn't desire you more because you take out the trash or fix the broken gutters.

What you should avoid is doing chores on her command unless she asks nicely.

Example: today my wife was apparently trying to print something in the home office but the printer wouldn't work.

With no context and without addressing me directly to ask me, she passes by and states "the stupid printer won't work".

We are in the midst of a mutual silent treatment, so her tone was frustrated and combative. The implication was that she wanted me to fix it. However I was doing some reading at the time. And did not like her attitude. So I did not respond or even acknowledge.

If she had come by with a nice tone of voice and said something like "Hey I'm trying to print something but the printer won't work. Could you come look at it? I need to start fixing dinner."

Then I would've gladly gone and assisted her.

Aside from this. You are between jobs. I presume your wife works. You will be expected to take up the slack and do more than usual.

This is fine. This is fair. Usually men end up being better house cleaners and better cooks when they put their mind to it. So it's really for the better. And it can act as passive dread by showing her you don't need her to do those things. You can handle yourself.

But you need to get back to making an income asap. Nothing loses charm/utility faster than a buxless beta.

Edit: missed the part about leading. Chores has nothing to do with leading. Deciding who does what chores can be. If the chore is "design a new layout for the living room and pick furniture for it" then that can also be an opportunity to lead.

Doing everything in your own without your wife's input is going to backfire though to ask her opinion at least. And preferably incorporate it into the overall plan. The important thing is you have final say.

ThatOtherMarriedGuy · 2015-11-09T17:50:36+00:00

Who does chores in my marriage has been a battleground from the start because both of us hate doing chores. I am working to take control of the house and get it in order but it's not easy at all.

One thing I read here that clicked was to act like you're single with a roommate. If there's something to be done, just do it. If your roommate leaves dishes in the sink with baked on food on them, say, "hey roommate, you want to clean the fucking sink?"

If your roommate is a slob, call her out on it.

Title	What's the diffrence, doing chores and leading?
Author	clarkscent
Upvotes	2
Comments	31
Date	November 9, 2015 2:58 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3s50sk/whats_the_diffrence_doing_chores_and_leading/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/whats-the-diffrence-doing-chores-and-leading.207925 https://theredarchive.com/post/207925

Comments