How to act towards wife after ridiculous argument?

whinemoreplease · 2015-10-21T16:37:21+00:00

How do YOU want to act?

Not, how would /u/whinemoreplease act?

Most important thing about frame is congruence.

Glennus626 · 2015-10-21T16:03:57+00:00

So what you're saying is: she DOES in fact shit test you, and it's quite often to the point where you're a character called "evil asshole monster"?

Hold frame. Go lift. Shut the fuck up. An argument is simply a shit test gone into her frame to fuck you up and test your fitness. If you're engaging in something OTHER than respectful discourse, then you're failing the shit test.

Either calmly set her straight and shut down the shit test, or walk away and shut the fuck up.

BucketOfSunshins · 2015-10-21T16:30:39+00:00

I can't tell from what you're saying, not enough data, is your wife shit-test arguing with you or is she full-on crazy? The former is a relationship issue. The latter is a medical issue. If she's bipolar or something, yeah, hold your frame, but she needs help. If she's just testing you, then that's another story.

[deleted] · 2015-10-21T17:34:15+00:00

/u/whinemoreplease comment is really the only answer.

Anecdotally and me personally? I treat crazy like crazy. I worked in a mental institution for about 8 months.

I give them wide berth. Explicit instructions if I need something. Repeat if necessary through the crazy. Keep eyes open for more acts of crazy, and otherwise continue about my day.

she doesn't really ever shit test

yet let me outline this shit test.

Hamsters gonna ham.

NiftyDolphin · 2015-10-21T18:24:58+00:00

I can't stand how unfair she is, and how she treats me like a character I call "Evil Asshole Monster", as if I'm the worst person in the world.

That's just her hamster working the plausible deniability angle. If she can convince herself that you actually are the worst person in the world, then she's justified in treating you horribly.

Do I continue as normal and act as if her meltdown doesn't bother me?

At an abstract level, this is correct. You need to hold frame.

Your strategy may change when you dial in on the details.

If she normally baits you into knock-down-drag-out fights, then she's doing this because she gets her "fix" from doing so. She feels rewarded when she gets you to fight back.

If you historically haven't fought back, then she views you as a punching bag. Her reward comes from her sensing your powerlessness when she is attacking and hurting you. This is very bad juju.

Your goal is to make sure she is not rewarded from this abusive behavior.

If she's rewarded by the fight, then ruin the experience by holding frame and not fighting.

If she's rewarded by the sense of power and control she gains knowing that she can hurt you and you won't reciprocate, then you need to adjust accordingly. Simply put, you need to teach her that when she attacks you, she will be the worse for it.

itstartstoday123 · 2015-10-21T19:12:03+00:00

My wife does the same shit.

Last night she brings up something I said during sex. Something about renting a room, tying Her to the bed and taking her how I want all night. During sex she ate it up, two days later she has hamstered it to me saying I wanted it to be another woman. I was fucking amused to say the least. Excused myself as she screamed and went and did something else after some DA and AM failed to curb crazy. Today I'll walk in the door and act like my life is Great, because it is. Lather rinse repeat until crazy is gone. I'll treat it like a comfort test today to see if she is just needing some feelz subdued but other than that I'm as happy as I can be because my frame is my world. The only one in my world that can make me happy is my gatekeeper, me. Don't get rattled by crazy or by a woman and you will convey strength in the face of uncertainty.

mrprm · 2015-10-21T20:11:11+00:00

I like /u/whinemoreplease's answer. I learned from it myself. I will share my own experience, not necessarily as advice for you to follow, but sometimes it helps to see how others deal with it.

My wife doesn't blow up at me, instead she tends to go full silent mode. However, the similarity to your situation is that her doing that really pushes my buttons. It used to make me very angry when she would do that. I would go from angrily demanding that she talk to me about it to whining and apologizing and begging her to acknowledge my presence. She would eventually come around but then she would have the upper hand and she was the master rewarding the dog with attention (also as I now understand she was disgusted with my beta behavior).

It sounds like now that you have started to swallow the pill you realize that you need to not react however you used to in the past, but you are tempted to let yourself show her that you are upset with her shit by ignoring her. I may have you pegged wrong, but that's what I did at first. The problem is it came across as butt hurt and in the end she still knew she was pushing my buttons.

What do I do now? When she goes full silent treatment, I just go about my day. I talk to her still and maintain a cheerful attitude - her mood isn't going to bring me down. Even when she doesn't respond I just go on as if she did. I don't chase her around, I don't try to get her to talk or stop ignoring me, I just pretend all is well and normal. This still eats me up inside (triggers the toxic shame talked about in NMMNG) but I ignore those feelings now, better understanding where they came from. The funny thing is that by the next day it really is as if nothing has happened (my wife usually has to sleep on it). It took a few days when I first started reacting this way, but now it's usually overnight.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-10-23T01:08:55+00:00

Do I continue as normal and act as if her meltdown doesn't bother me?

If your teenager had a meltdown and called you names how would you act the next day?

Do that.

Griever114 · 2015-10-21T17:54:25+00:00

As many others have said, how would you act towards a child acting like a brat? Ignore them like they dont exist. Remember, if you cater towards her behavior you are entering her frame/control.

You DGAF. Her feelings are HER PROBLEM. OI

[deleted] · 2015-10-21T19:02:58+00:00

What does " True to TRP" mean ? This isn't a religion. It's not a theory. It's not a belief. Be true to yourself and do what you think will make you happy.

If one of the two choices you mention will make you happy. If they won't , do something else.

Title	How to act towards wife after ridiculous argument?
Author	Chrysoscelis
Upvotes	3
Comments	23
Date	October 21, 2015 3:33 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3pn7vv/how_to_act_towards_wife_after_ridiculous_argument/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/how-to-act-towards-wife-after-ridiculous-argument.207996 https://theredarchive.com/post/207996

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