How to support a Captain when he has a set back?

_wingnut_ · 2016-08-17T17:36:39+00:00

I'm not sure how to proceed with this. I know he might be upset for having a set back with smoking, and I want be there 125% when he wants to quit. But what if he doesn't want to quit smoking? What would a great first mate do?

STFU and leave him alone. he is a grown up. if smoking is a deal breaker you have to break up with him

Irisandoleander · 2016-08-17T17:40:53+00:00

I'm not sure how to proceed with this. I know he might be upset for having a set back with smoking, and I want be there 125% when he wants to quit. But what if he doesn't want to quit smoking? What would a great first mate do?

Entertain this idea for a moment: He has no interest in quitting. Could you still be with him? If the answer is Yes then a first mate bites her tongue and lets him do his thing. If the answer is no then - as /Littleknownfacts said you should move on.

Remember, a first mate is not a mother, you do not tell him what he can and can't do. You either live with who he is today or you don't live with him at all. If he improves AWESOME but you can't bank on him improving.

If you choose to stay you need to stop asking about his smoking, and do not make any side comments. Praise him on the days he doesn't smoke but STFU when he does. Because by staying with him you are choosing to love him as he is today.

cats_or_get_out · 2016-08-17T18:57:16+00:00

Sounds like you have reunion jitters. Everything is magnified to nth degree right before and right after they get home. It's so normal and terrifying, and it happens to me every time. If this had happened four months ago, you might have had a different reaction. But now there are, "What if he doesn't love me the same way" and "Am I pretty enough for him" thoughts. So you might chalk this all up to the normal emotional cycle of deployments. Obsessing over it might just be making a mountain out of a mole hill.

About the smoking

This is a normal thing to happen. They get super stressed, and they don't have the usual vices or "off time" to unwind. Smoking gives them a sense of control in a very strange uncontrollable world (my husband says it is like living on the moon).

It is hard for these men to explain this new smoking stress relief outlet to their women because it opens them up and exposes their vulnerability. So many just neglect to their women because they don't want their women to think less of them.

Mine called me once and asked me to buy him and pipe and tobacco and mail it to him. My jaw hit the floor in shock (VERY out of character), but I was happy to oblige and tried to play off my unease over the phone. I even sent him a goofy smoking jacket so he could "be fancy" in the FOB. Hahaha

Tl;dr let this one go

Littleknownfacts · 2016-08-17T17:19:24+00:00

Not to make short of your situation but, probably next him and focus in finding a man who doesn't smoke if that's something that's important to you.

You've only been together about a year and he's been away for half of it. Even if he does quit again while he's home, he is just going to start back up again when he deploys, for another 6-8 months.

Quitting is hard, and its impossible if he's not 100% on board with it. You can't support him in a setback if he doesn't view this as a setback.

Your still pretty young and in the grand scheme of things a year isn't that long. You don't need the aggravation of trying to cure a smoker, especially if he doesn't want to and doubly if the majority of the relationship your not actually together.

CoochQuarantine · 2016-08-17T17:28:03+00:00

I was a heavy smoker for YEARS. I quit once, felt hugely proud of myself, and then a few months later some major stress came along and boom, I went right back to smoking. I smoked again for at least a year before quitting for good. Point is, it's hard to quit but it's not impossible. It would NOT have helped me if people around me had nagged me about quitting. What got me to do it, both times, was feeling sick and tired of being a nicotine junkie. But it really helped to feel loved and supported.

PhantomDream09 · 2016-08-17T18:33:00+00:00

After reading some of the IRC chat - it makes so much more sense that you are feeling stressed out due to his occupation, and the danger he faces all the time. I agree with /u/susandeath that you are probably focusing on a smaller threat that you think you can control/influence as a way of alleviating all the stress you have surrounding everything else about his situation and job.

I think you mentioned that this is your first time dealing with a deployment? You need to decide (and quickly) if the stress of 'not knowing' and dealing with the very real dangers of his job are something you are going to be able to handle. It's not an easy thing to cope with. The good news is that there are some great support groups you should be able to connect with - finding other women to talk to that are going through the same thing(s) as you will definitely help.

It's important that you stay busy, write letters and send care packages as much as you are able to. You will have to become a pro at jumping between having him around every day to then adjusting to being away from him for long stretches. This relationship is going to be highly stressful for you, even if you never develop any actual problems with him directly. Constantly shifting back and forth between a normal-ish relationship to an LDR, dealing with the highs and lows that go along with every meeting (and eventual farewell). You will need a will of iron, patience, and be able to 'grin through the pain' when you feel lonely, or overwhelmed or scared. You have to realize that one of the possibly consequences of his job is that he could die - that's simply a fact, and a very uncomfortable one.

I fully believe that it takes a special type of woman that can date/marry a man that regularly has to face danger (police, firefighters, military etc). You have to be able to compartmentalize really well, you can't take out your frustrations with the job on him, and you have to be willing to not only always put him first, but also accept that you'll regularly come 2nd, or 3rd to him. Not because he doesn't care for you or about the relationship - it's just a fact that his job has to come first. Missed holidays, changed plans at the last second are all going to be 'normal' features in the relationship.

Look into support groups, learn as much as you can, ask questions, and understand exactly what you are signing up for if you continue to date this man. I don't envy your position at all, and I wish you all the best.

susandeath · 2016-08-17T18:06:26+00:00

Right so this comment also comes from our chat in the irc.

I think given the chat there that you are focusing on the smoking because its something you feel is in your control and their are other worries that come from him being deployed that are not in your control.

First of all on the smoking, on the smoker can decide if they want to quit and the best thing you can do to help a quitter if the relapse is say nothing since they are already beating themselves up about the relapse.

Right now to the real point.

I have found that I focus on small unimportant issues as a way to avoid whats really bugging me. In order to confirm to myself what is something that needs to be brought to my SO's attention or what is just for me to deal with I do two things.

I have a conversation out loud with myself as if I was explaining this issue to my SO. Yes I know this sounds really weird but as a person who vocalises all her thoughts, having arguments with my SO when he is not around and filling in both sides is useful for me.
After this conversation I write down how I feel in my journal.

Then if I find myself dwelling on this issue I then know its a big thing and I go talk to him.

If doing 1 and 2 makes me put the issue to bed, then I move on with my life.

The above may not be your ways, but finding ways to deal with his deployments is going to be very important moving forward.

CoochQuarantine · 2016-08-17T17:23:31+00:00

My SO smokes like a fuckin chimney. The thing about addiction is that the only way he would quit is if he wants to and he wants to put the effort in. Nothing you will say will change that. So any mention of it is just going to be a second of negativity and one second in the two weeks you get to see him is too much. Now for the lying, you can see why he did it right? That is all you need to confront with yourself. He may be worried about telling you because he doesn't want to let you down. You telling him that is something he already knows so again, it would just be a negative moment that you don't want to taint your 2 weeks with him. I think if anything just remind him about how much you believe in him and trust his judgement. If he happens to bring it up, however, then tell him that you worry about his health and that you just want him to live a long life with you'. Because that is ultimately why you don't want him to quit. How he meets your expectation is up to him to figure out.

Gravida · 2016-08-17T18:00:32+00:00

This is something only he can choose to do or not to do. This sounds like it's one little thing you feel like you can control given his current career, but this is something that you can't control.

Get this feeling dealt with before he comes back so that you don't find yourself nagging at him.

lrne · 2016-08-17T18:42:24+00:00

I mentioned this in the IRC chat, so you might have read it already, but was urged to post this here, too:

I do want to say in response to "But what if he doesn't want to quit smoking?" - how likely do you think this is the case? He must be on some level aware of the detriments of smoking and the benefits of quitting if he has gone through the challenge of successfully quitting in the past. I can't imagine that he'd actively want to continue smoking for the rest of his life unless there is something else in his life (like a stressor) that he would LIKE resolved but can't for whatever reason.

I don't know details about your relationship with him, but if it were me, in order to best support him, I'd try to get a better understanding of why he started again, and what his plan is. I'd do this by talking to him, but being very, very careful to go about it in a way that doesn't give off the impression that he thinks I'm negatively judging him, or that I don't think he has a handle on things, or that he isn't worthy of respect, or that I'm disappointed at all. I'd try to get him to understand that I am concerned and coming from a place of confusion (and anxiety/fear) to allay any potential misunderstandings he may have that might make him think I'm coming off as controlling/nagging. Regardless of wether or not I get this information, though, I'd try to be as supportive and loving as possible, because at least in my experience dating smokers, they don't 100% want to do it, but they cave when they're in an exceedingly stressful situation and they need some sort of 'out' to keep themselves together.

Now as an addendum: I understand the anxiety that you may be feeling about his smoking. It was very difficult for me (until I properly understood, which occurred through respectful conversations instead of fear based shit-testing or nagging) to control my urges to bring it up all the time. What helped me a lot, though, was understanding that when I bring it up in a negative, unsupportive light, it makes him feel like I don't trust his judgment or ability. THAT sort of mistrust and lack of respect turned out to DIRECTLY contribute to him having a harder time quitting... and that if he had proper social support, he wouldn't have to resort to trying (and failing) to use smoking as a replacement. Smoking is not a working replacement for proper social support - he and I both knew that - but that doesn't make it any less difficult when you're in a desperately stressful situation and you feel like you need an out, any out, even if it comes in the form of smoking.

This is also why I urge you to be supportive of him, EVEN though you don't want him smoking. Your support, and trust in him may enable him to more easily quit in the future. I understand that he's only back home for 2 weeks, so it may not happen during those 2 weeks, but when he's back for a longer period of time, if you build him up through support (rather than slowly tear him down via nagging, mistrust, etc) he'll have an easier time quitting. Again, though, I don't know why your man started smoking and what his plan is, but what I share here is what I've found in my own experience.

whistling_dixie · 2016-08-17T20:13:56+00:00

I have been in this exact situation several years ago, seriously. My SO had quit smoking, and insisted that he didn't want to smoke because he wanted to be better for me. I was, of course, just tickled to hear that because I would prefer that he not smoke, but it was never a deal breaker for me. I was just happy that he wanted to make to make a positive change because of me, it made me feel good.

A few weeks later, he was out in San Diego at the MCRD for his cousin's boot camp graduation. It was an important moment for him, being a Marine himself, he was pretty proud. However, something about being back there prompted him to start smoking again. Probably just because he smoked quite a bit when he was stationed out there, I don't know. Anyway...

He called me one night around 3 a.m. our time after bar hopping and smoking many cigarettes. I, thus far, had no clue that he was smoking again - I honestly would not have cared, it was his decision to stop, he did it when we started dating, that would be unfair to have a problem with it. I was really worried to get a call from him at 3 a.m. while he's almost 2k miles away - turns out, he thought I would be mad at him for it and he called to apologize. We were still really new in our relationship at that point and I was really sad that he thought he had to call to apologize for something like that.

I think your conclusion was the right one, actually - just be cool about it, be understanding, and don't say a word. Enjoy your time with him before he goes back out there!

zombiegroupie82 · 2016-09-08T06:47:53+00:00

My husband has gone back and forth with smoking for ages. He's never hid it (I guess I never made him feel like he should try...?) and I never make a big deal. Sometimes I tease him with the extra money he could save and what he could buy for himself, but it's his business. No smoking in the cars or the house and that's it.

If he wants to quit, support him. If he doesn't want to quit, just let it be. He's a grownup, it's his body, etc.

Title	How to support a Captain when he has a set back?
Author	chairman_mau5
Upvotes	11
Comments	27
Date	August 17, 2016 5:09 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4y6t6d/how_to_support_a_captain_when_he_has_a_set_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/how-to-support-a-captain-when-he-has-a-set-back.209679 https://theredarchive.com/post/209679

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