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After divorce scare and rough recovery, wife wants to start a family

Reddit View
April 5, 2019
7 upvotes

Throwaway account here but I need some feedback. I apologize for the length.

I’m a guy (36) married to a (38) woman, no kids and we both work full time and freelance as creatives. We’ve been together 10 years and married for five, and met and bonded on a chaotic project that we carried through. We come from different cultural backgrounds but we’re both atheists, pretty liberal and we both share similar passions in creative projects. She's gorgeous, has good business instincts, is ambitious, and can be very affectionate. She also has issues with depression, victimhood complexes, entitlement, boundary-breaking, and rage. She comes from a well off family but had an abusive childhood, so some of her issues are understandable.
I come from a loving family, who divorced when I was 8 over an affair and my parents probably confided too many details to me when I was young. I saw both my folks and had a loving but a meek father, an overbearing stepfather and a positive career-driven mother. The divorce made me a bit of a loner and I had self-esteem issues growing up because I was into geeky shit. I’m very easy going, patient, and ‘nice’ which is what drew her to me.
My wife and I have had a bumpy relationship with many breakups and reunions over the years. Many cases of her laying ultimatums for me to change or she’s leaving. These include breaking ties with friends she thought were bad for me or female friends she’s jealous of, quitting pot, leaving old college hobbies (tabletop RPGs), getting a higher paying job. These often coincided with holidays or big events in our lives and created a lot of drama, and many were done in ways I had big problems with such as ‘outing’ these things to my parents in order to get me to do what she wanted. I gave in to many of these because I thought they were for my own good and I was a bit lost at that point in my life. These changes did lead me to getting a better job and positive improvements.
The common theme is that she describes herself as dragging me along into adulting, whereas I see her as having a very controlling and bullying personality. We don’t have kids, and talked about having them in the future, but I’ve been on the fence. On the one hand, kids might add more meaning to my life but I also value my free time to work on creative projects. She has grown more into the idea of having kids.
About a year and a half ago, she got pissed at me for a fuck up I made while we were moving into our first home (stuff cleaned out of the old place in the wrong order) and we had a fight that ended with her asking for a divorce. We had just bought a house and a creative project we did together had just premiered to critical acclaim, so I was taken aback. I was floored and she didn’t back down for a while. Ultimately it was because I wasn’t moving fast enough for her and she felt like she was carrying most of the weight (she wore the pants for the house purchase).

I took us to couples counseling, and tried to really work on some parts of myself I was neglecting, namely neediness, laziness, setting boundaries, and being more honest with myself and her. Three months later we were doing much better when she started talking about trying to get pregnant. We didn’t talk about it, she just assumed it and was mentioning it to people. I soon found out she meant to start trying right away and I pulled the brakes. We had just had a divorce scare and now she wanted to jump into having kids? I grew up witnessing my dad deal with 18 years of child support and how that broke him into a fearful cautious man. Plenty of which rubbed off on me I’m sure. I talked with friends and family who all advised me to wait for kids until we were in a better place as kids would add more stress.
This pissed her off and she began to treat friends and family as traitors, going so far as to call them up and say nasty, hurtful things and scolding me that I shouldn’t be talking to anyone about our problems. Over the course of the year, she would go back and forth between terrible fights and makeups, often over having kids before she’s too old. These were punctuated with her trying to throw me out, screaming matches, and abandoning the car while on the road. Stuff I would never think of doing. I told her I wouldn’t even think about having kids until we could prove that our relationship was on more solid ground.

I’ve been reading Mark Manson, Donald Glover, David Deida, and Jordan Peterson to try and grow into a better more self-actualized person with my own boundaries and goals, and I feel better about myself. I feel a duty and obligation to my marriage. I’ve managed to start fighting with her in a more healthy way and stand my ground more.

Despite all our problems, I’ve stuck with it and challenged her to confront her rage issues. She’s gone to therapy, and has gotten her eggs frozen. She’s gotten much better at being self-aware and less selfish, though she does fall back into old habits from time to time. She got a new high paying job and she’s apologized to my family, but held her ground against friends she doesn’t like.

We are at maybe four to five months of a more stable relationship and she wants to know about kids. I’m worn out and I feel like after fighting so long to prevent a divorce like it might be the right thing to do if we’re just not a good match. There is a lot of resentment from both sides and I think she’s willing to stick it out because she’s too old to start over, and because she’s come to terms with who I am. We love each other but there are differences in values.

I know the relationship I’m in isn’t totally healthy. I don’t have a lot of married friends, and my family isn’t the best role model for normal, so it’s hard for me to compare. I’m not sure if I’m just whining about big fights couples always have, or if I should be running for the hills. Not sure if I’m lucky to have her or if this is Stockholm syndrome. On the one hand, she’s beautiful, faithful, smart, ambitious and has a great job. On the other hand, she can be controlling, bullying, emotionally reasons, and breaks boundaries.
I’m full of anxiety about making the wrong choice now that I’m at a more stable place. Having kids could be an adventure, but if we split up afterward anyway, it’s a much worse divorce. I know only I can choose, but has anyone had similar issues?
TLDR - My ragey controlling wife has been demanding kids soon after asking for a divorce. After a road of broken boundaries, we’re now in a better place, but I’m questioning whether it’s worth it.


Post Information
Title After divorce scare and rough recovery, wife wants to start a family
Author IndecisiveMess2000
Upvotes 7
Comments 19
Date 05 April 2019 09:16 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/225370
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/b9ws2n/after_divorce_scare_and_rough_recovery_wife_wants/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
Stockholm syndromeentitlementdrama
Comments

[–]screechhaterRed Beret30 points31 points  (2 children) | Copy

you are a motherfucking train wreck that does not know what he wants

TLDR - My ragey controlling wife has been demanding kids soon after asking for a divorce. After a road of broken boundaries, we’re now in a better place, but I’m questioning whether it’s worth it.

Are you OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND ?

Think mother fucker, think !!

are you even lifting ?????? What are you actually doing for you ?

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Logged in to upvote this!

[–]Startlivingfornow4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Actually laughing my ass off. This 100%

[–]Youdontgottadenyit19 points20 points  (1 child) | Copy

Holy fuck how does this have zero comments? You've been with this old, ragey bitch for ten years on and off , she's about to hit 40 and you're wondering if you should PUT OFF having kids and "wait" until your relationship (with an older woman) is stable? How long, another 10 years? Dude, you're 36. Do yourself a favor, find a girl in her early 20s and reset the clock. Miss 40 is just dragging you down. You are barely getting started in life .

[–]JameisBong6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Bingo.

[–]friendandadvisor7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

She will either leave your ass after she has kids, or she will stop fucking you, and fucking the pool boy. Or, actions that are congruent with those.

[–]Bedtimeshine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I refuse to believe there were no other men involved at some point in this shit show.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Let me get this straight. Your marriage and life is a flaming dumpster fire and you want to add kids? Fuck no.

I don't think you have the frame to deal with her without her being pregnant, nevermind in psycho hormone land. She will only get worse with kids which means you need to be better than you are times 3. You got that in you dude?

[–]coinbaserep5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

She doesn’t sound mentally stable and it sounds like you have some growing up to do as well

Drunk captain and his raging first mate

I’m 37 my wife is 38 we have 2 kids aged 11 & 5

Together 18 years

We don’t have fights like you presume all married couples have. At least nothing like your train wreck of events

Sure we might have the odd argument/ fight that gets reset the next day.

Honestly I can’t recall the last major argument or the threat of divorce from her

Maybe 8 - 9 years ago we were in a sexless marriage and we were fighting often and divorce was brought up

One time in 18 years!

Point is your relationship isn’t stable for a child and I think she wants a kid and it doesn’t matter to her who the sperm donor is

[–]rotkohlblaukraut3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Based on the history, she sounds like a real winner. Well, to be fair, so do you.

No indicator from your post whatsover that the rest of your life together won't be a fulfilling mutually benficial arrangement. None whatsoever. Not like history is the best predictor of the future. But hey, it's good because you can rationalize her issues as "understandable" and you're comfortable sitting on the fence right now. So stick that hand down the garbuerator and see what happens.

I could have written almost the exact same post you did when I was in my late twenties, as a complete Nice Guy, and so I convinced myself that I was voluntarily boarding the the USS Shitfuck Marriage and Family Arrangement and not being Shanghai'd. I'm still paying for it at 50 despite divorcing a decade ago.

But a couple questions for you to mull over, to be fair here. Do you even want to have a family? Do you have any indication that this woman will be a good mother? Or will she just dump the kids in daycare, pursue her career, and scream at them when they act out as if they're being raised by strangers and sent home to live in an emotional dumpster fire? And even if you were 100% for a family, do you think that being threatened with it under threat of divorce is going to set it up for success? What exactly makes you think that this recent "better place" is at all sustainable and that you have the strength and frame to handle her when she next goes south?

[–]BirdManBrrrr4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol you're me. In Office Space you work just hard enough to not get fired, here you're trying to make your marriage just good enough to not get divorced.

You're trying to do what I tried to do: MRP your way into making your volatile, substandard marriage into something that you can rationalize as good enough and then bring children into the world because it's not bad. Trying to do all the self improvement work and engineer my ex wife into something she's not and make the marriage tolerable was a fools errand, as was the erroneous idea that I should save the marriage for the sake of saving the marriage. I pulled the plug a year ago and I can say I'm 100% getting what I want out of life NOT being married to my ex wife.

You're relatively new to this whole self actualization thing. You're finding who you are and discovering what you want in your mid-30s, same as me, while facing the regret of lost time and indecision on what to do next. Here's the fun part: you already know what you need to do. To quote yourself:

We are at maybe four to five months of a more stable relationship and she wants to know about kids.

Translation: I am starting to figure myself out and her uterus is slapping her in the face. She has few options and is desperate. The fun part is that it isn't about you AT ALL, it's about her and her panicking ovaries. You're just there to enable her biology.

I’m worn out and I feel like after fighting so long to prevent a divorce like it might be the right thing to do if we’re just not a good match.

YOU KNOW THE ANSWER

There is a lot of resentment from both sides and I think she’s willing to stick it out because she’s too old to start over,

Not about you, about her ovaries.

and because she’s come to terms with who I am.

You're good enough to be allowed to fertilize her eggs.

We love each other but there are differences in values.

Recipe for misery and you know it.

I’m full of anxiety about making the wrong choice now that I’m at a more stable place. Having kids could be an adventure, but if we split up afterward anyway, it’s a much worse divorce.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

Go forth with your growing spine, do what is necessary, and make yourself awesome.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m a guy (36) married to a (38) woman ... We don’t have kids, and talked about having them in the future

What future would that be? The one where you take a time machine back 10 years and start over?

You're still a kid yourself. You avoid difficult emotional territory and try to passively-aggressively manipulate others into making the tough calls for you (hence this post). Your Asian unicorn deserves better.

[–]JameisBong4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't have babies with this woman. Cut your losses and move on. She knows your greatest fears and she will destroy you. Get some balls and divorce her, you'll be better off . Don't ignore any areas in your life that need improvement,you need to fix any problems you have before you ever think about another LTR.

[–]Whatev222 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Leave the relationship and take a couple years to work on yourself.

[–]reddit-guy611 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you have to even ask what you should do you're a lost cause.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Shame on you.

You should be ashamed for not already giving her babies. Her biological clock is ticking and while she is way past optimal breeding age, if you hurry up her body might rebound from the selfless damage it will take from having kids.

Have you had your sperm counts check? You are probably shooting blanks or have weak swimmers.

You need to man up and lock this down, this week. Start tracking her ovulation and have sex during her window. No master bating or extra sex otherwise. Keep what few swimmers you have locked up until it is time to hopefully fertilize her.

She is pissed (and rightfully so) that she had dedicated a decade or her life to a man who apparently cant do the one thing he needs to do correctly.

Give her children.

[–]friendandadvisor12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop it, you wiseguy!

He'll believe that you are serious.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/b3ryql/we_dont_do_that_you_dont_want_us_answering_that/

Not that you won’t get responses but 100% what we are not here to do is MAKE YOUR IMPORTANT LIFE DECISIONS FOR YOU.

Examples of things We CAN NOT decide for you

  • have a/more kid(s)

[–]adeptintact0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are so beta and in her frame. Start learning some red pill ideas before you come to this discussion board with that nonsense.

Even if she wanted to have kids she probably couldn't. Fertility decreases drastically after 35 and that egg frozen thing doesn't make it easier. Divorce her and find someone younger to start new.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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