Is it futile to try to come up with a timeline for marriage/family?

Kara__El · 2019-04-15T15:16:26+00:00

When I was 25, I had just finished grad school and told a friend I wanted to be married by 30. She thought it was weird to have a strict timeline for that. I told her that no one thought it was weird that I wanted to finish my undergrad in four years or grad school by 25 or have a full time job by a certain age and all of those things relied on multiple people accepting me. To get married by 30, I only had to hit it off with one person. I got married at 29.

Timelines aren't stupid, but holding too strictly to a plan for your future, at the exclusion of everything else (like meeting a good guy), isn't wise if you want to settle down. Keep your plan, but be prepared to restructure it.

When I met my husband, I swore I'd never leave my library system or my job. Now we're planning to relocate to his home state, so I can work as a school librarian and have more time off, when we have kids. Plans change, especially when they no longer only impact you.

artemis286 · 2019-04-15T20:15:55+00:00

I don't think it's futile, but I do think it's important to decide what is the higher priority for your life. I knew that motherhood was a calling for me, and that being married was very important. So I put a high priority on improving myself and seriously dating men who were also interested in marriage and family.

I'm 24, pregnant with our first, and completing my undergraduate degree at the same time. For me, that meant that I knowingly sacrificed some things, for things that I wanted much more. And I'm very happy with my choices.

But for other women, school/work is a much higher priority, and marriage and family come next. And there isn't room for negotiation or sacrifice in their life plans. And that is completely okay, but that does run the risk, as you said, of not settling down till later. Some women are completely okay with that and happy with that choice!

I would also add that my life plans have changed many times. What I thought I wanted to do when I was 19, 21, and now 24 couldn't be more different. So I phrase things more as life goals, because goals can more easily be adjusted to accommodate changes. But I find that for me personally when I try to make hard and fast plans, life (and God, we are religious) always seem to have a different idea in mind for me. And as I've gotten older and gotten to know myself, my strengths, my weakness, and my authentic desires more, my goals naturally changed to reflect that maturity.

So I guess I would say don't worry too much about deciding the next eight years of your life right now. I would take the time to really get to know yourself, and what is more important to you in your life and future, and follow that authentic desire first. I would also say, don't let anyone else influence what that desire is. It should be yours truly, whether that's marriage and family, work, school, travel, whatever! I hope that helps!

[deleted] · 2019-04-15T23:17:39+00:00

Just try to stay in shape (hit the gym), eat healthy, no cigarettes, no alcohol, don't put anything in your body that will ruin it. Take care of your appearance and dress nice. You will be OK by your late 20's. I know the redpill idealogy says women should get married 18-25 but sometimes that isn't always realistic. Life comes up. I won't be finished with my military contract until I am 28, so I am in the same boat as you. A lot of us need to go to college and work to survive.

The lucky ones get to marry early and have kids early, but the rest of us have to wait a little bit. You will be fine.

loneliness-inc · 2019-04-15T18:01:47+00:00

The good news is that mental health problems tend to get better as you age, especially if you are able to take control of your life and improve your situation. Teens and early 20s are usually the worst for women in terms of mental health and dealing with past traumas.

kspinner · 2019-04-16T02:01:52+00:00

I think so. I'm in the same boat, 23 and still in college after delays, very single and not ready to date again after a taxing relationship, though I will graduate in a year and a month. I just stress myself out more thinking about how I'd like to have kids in my 20s, yet be financially stable, and married in a stable relationship with someone I've vetted carefully and truly love. I think it's best just to try to work on myself, put away money if I can, and try to be open to meet people.

loneliness-inc · 2019-04-15T23:07:53+00:00

Seems like you don't have a man as of yet. This means you're able to set the tone from the outset.

Big question: what do you offer to a potential mate? As yourself in earnest. Compile a list of what you truly have to offer, not what you'd like to offer.

Next big question: what do you need your man to offer to you. Again, not what your pipe dream is, not what your ideal is. What exactly is it that you truly need in a man. Contemplate the issue and compile a different list.

Next, compare the two lists to determine how realistic or unrealistic you're being.

Next, find out where to find a man who meets this criteria and set out to find him.

Be very clear about your plan from the outset. Be realistic and don't waver. Example: waiting 2 years before having sex is unrealistic. Another example: saying you don't want sex before xyz point and then giving in because he's hot or because pressure, is wavering.

Be prepared to lose potential suitors who aren't ready for what you need. That's part of having standards. Again, you must be realistic. I can't stress this enough.

[deleted] · 2019-05-23T18:01:19+00:00

Sorry, this is late.

I don't care what people say, there's nothing wrong with looking for a serious relationship while in school. While I am absolutely happy with the person I married at 32, I advise young women to look while the dating pool is smaller because dating for a woman over 30 is an absolute nightmare. Once you're 28+, the quality of and quantity in your dating pool shrinks significantly, getting worse every year. Most women over 28 won't date a young twenty-something, but for men that age their potential partner age range is usually something like 21-32. Although, I've met a few men who won't date someone older than them.

Fantastic that you're working hard on your mental health. I recommend looking up Stefan Molyneux's views on countering feminist culture. This title could offend some, but his video 'Your Job is to Get Married and Have Children' changed my everloving life. I watched it at 31, wish I had watched it younger. He emphasizes that both genders should aim to marry well (you'd think that's people's aim, but people ignore red flags). He tells people who are looking to attract a mate 'Be really great!' It sounds so simple, but when I have found myself tempted to slack on effort in my marriage I remind myself to 'be really great!' I.e. get enough sleep... work out... eat right... give my husband back massages... listen to him... ask about work... be interesting by learning things... pack his lunch... clean the house... build his confidence... work hard on my freelance job... etc.

You can be a *really* great partner for someone. Look for someone *really* great. Go to places where people are likely to have the same values as you. Have a handful of 'must haves' — values, personal habits, work ethic, how he treats you, respects your education and career aspirations, etc. And I'm a huge advocate for online dating because it cuts (some of) the crap so you don't waste time on someone who ends up possessing dealbreaker traits.

\* Heavily edited for better writing and clarification, but I'm done now! :)*

sonder_one · 2019-04-15T18:02:48+00:00

This post highlights one of the bigger problems that women cause in dating: They don't want to BE married, they just want to marry.

They'll never admit it to themselves, but many women are more interested in marriage as a concept than in the person they marry. The wedding is the ultimate celebration of the female ego. The ring is the ultimate status symbol. The whole experience of engagement and wedding is one giant emotional orgasm, and many women crave it like nothing else.

These people pursue marriage abstractly until they get their ego celebration, then realize that afterwards they've got this new person in their lives that they never really vetted because all they needed was someone who looked right in the photos and could be shown off on social media (my engagement announcement got more likes than yours!!!). Box checked!

We know what happens next.

It is wonderful to prioritize finding a captain before you hit the wall. Very important, actually. But scheduling your wedding before you have a partner veers in the direction of not vetting, as does planning where you're going to live and what you're going to do together afterwards. Who's the captain in this timeline, exactly?

I've never met a couple where people didn't have to significantly alter their plans after meeting each other and learning about the other's plans. Expecting to meet a captain on your schedule and to have him always lead you exactly where you wanted to go anyway is... well... not realistic.

Instead of setting goals, work on improving your systems.

Throw out your wedding timeline and start working on being the best you can be and taking advantage of the opportunities that you encounter. Let the rest take care of itself.

Title	Is it futile to try to come up with a timeline for marriage/family?
Author	baklavaforbreakfast
Upvotes	13
Comments	34
Date	April 15, 2019 2:58 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/bdgy2o/is_it_futile_to_try_to_come_up_with_a_timeline/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-it-futile-to-try-to-come-up-with-a-timeline-for.225485 https://theredarchive.com/post/225485

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