I've been working up the courage to write this post for a while now. After a 6 month separation and serious talk of divorce, my husband and I are back on track and moving forward.

What I thought I was, what I am, what that cost me, and how we fixed it.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for three of it. We separated on Christmas of 2014 after a suicide attempt on my part. I very nearly blew my head off with a shotgun, which misfired several times before I came to my senses and went home. Alcohol, drugs, and depression/anxiety meds and six months of family fighting left me bitter and hopeless and unconcerned about the effects of my actions. I spent some time in jail, was court ordered to seek treatment, and remain on unsupervised probation until December 2016.

The "who did what to me" used to be really important for me to tell. It's no longer the point. And that is why I share this with you.

The heart of RPW (to me) is rigorous honesty with self and about self - and pretty much never about what others are or are not doing.

I am a worrier, a fixer, a self-proclaimed teller of what is just and fair. I am combative, abrasive, aggressive, and a maker of covert contracts. I hide from my thoughts and feelings and family with any number of things. I harbor resentment, keep tally of all things unjust, and retaliate 100 times over what might be deemed necessary...in short, a ticking time bomb that everyone has to tiptoe around just to keep safe from explosion. I want to confront situations NOW, fix them NOW, and move on NOW.
My husband is the opposite, avoids confrontation and almost never makes the first move in a fight or situation. He leads quietly and with a great deal of thought to what it feels like to be in someone else's shoes.

When my stepson brought a daughter into the world as a 17 year old with no resources or skills, we nearly broke ourselves trying to keep our granddaughter safe and taken care of properly. It was a huge mess, lots of fighting and blaming, power struggles, and the end result (because of my combativeness) was that she became a pawn to use to control the situation. My husband and I spent Christmas alone as a direct result of my actions. The guilt and the wine led me to choose the ultimate betrayal on Christmas night - alone in the woods with a shotgun. I went to jail and my husband left me.

I wish I could say that was enough to end my destructive behavior, but it wasn't. He threatened me to keep me in line, I threatened back. It was ugly and embarrassing and even now as I write this, my eyes tear up and I feel shame. Finally we just stopped talking at all, I gave up trying to get him to change his mind and keep me as his wife. I wish I could say I did that because I recognized my behavior and knew I didn't deserve the chance. But that wasn't it. I decided to "just show him" and started seeing someone else. He started seeing someone else too. I moved to another state and started working for someone on a farm. I closed the door because it was easier than self-examination and real change.

Flash forward 6 months. I have given up substances of any sort and am working 14 hour days of hard physical labor. I suddenly don't have insomnia or the need for head meds. A friend of mine's message that depression is easily fixed by working in a coal mine and struggling to survive playing in my mind over and over - and finding out that it's true. My farm mentor was an absolute blessing and savior to me. I finally let go of the fight. I started to see myself clearly. She and I talked at great length about my actions and thoughts, my frustration and my mistakes. She never once made me feel judged or less than, rather that this was all an opportunity to change and grow and become a respectable me, one that was capable of partnership, a person that could survive such a loss and maybe I wouldn't get back my husband, but I surely wouldn't need to be in a place where a bottle of wine and a bullet was my only option. I worked that hard labor with the mantra that the physical breaking of my body was parallel to the breaking of my ego and pride. I gave that job my all and gained a lot of respect and support from the community. I began to see all of RPW's and TRP's explanations about each gender's nature in a new way.

Then my phone rang. It was him. He said he just couldn't pretend that anyone else would do. He'd been keeping tabs on me, watching from a safe distance. He said he could see that I had changed and that he was proud of me. He wanted to know if I was willing to try again and work through this mess. Scared the fucking shit out of me. I thought, OMG, he's going to take me back and I'm going to break him again. Terror. Hope. What is the right thing to do? Is this a fleeting moment of weakness on his part? Is he lonely and grasping ? Am I any different?

We have been back together for 6 months now. All of the same family dynamics are there, things really haven't changed much with regard to other people's behavior. But that's not the point. I have changed. My leadership destroys relationships. His leadership may not make things "fixed" or easier but they surely don't drive anyone away. I have continued to stick to physical work and self examination as a method of handling my feelings and actions. I don't interfere with family issues. I button my lip and let things play out. I'm not perfect at it, but the effort is there and he can see that. He has adjusted also. The things about his personality that he feels didn't serve him or his family well are changing as he sees more truth revealed.

I'm quite sure I am about to be crucified in your replies. But that's ok. I would rather tell my story and have the painful feedback, if it at all reaches one of you in some way that saves you or changes your ideas about life and love.

Thanks for listening.