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Validation vs sexual gratification

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May 2, 2019
7 upvotes

Been reading up a lot on validation and seeing issues I need to address. I'm curious to know where validation ends and just enjoying good sex begins.

Been suffering from oneitis that turned out to be obsessive infatuation, I have history of addictions so this makes sense. Some of the posts on here recommend opening more options/plates but as I've identified a need for female validation as a problem so wondering where to go from here.

Is there such a thing as married monk mode I should do for a while?

Just for context the oneitis is not my wife, i haven't banged her or touched her, just got some nice IOI's then went all needy, overeager and available. Now I keep thinking about her and want to stop and move on.

I appreciate this is just a field experience I'm learning from but am hesitant to start approaching while I have external/female validation shit to sort out.

Been lifting over 2 years, strength standards pretty decent, abs and veins starting to show, dress well, get complimented a fair bit. Rest of my shit (career, mission) is pretty fucking awesome. Just need to work through internal stuff now and I'll be in a better place.


Post Information
Title Validation vs sexual gratification
Author ddhf
Upvotes 7
Comments 12
Date 02 May 2019 04:21 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/236917
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/bjwvh5/validation_vs_sexual_gratification/
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Comments

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy

Imagine you are in a large building with many hallways, doors, and levels. On the other side of each door there is any number of experiences. Some doors look more appealing than others on the outside leading you to believe that something awesome is on the other side. However, certain doors are locked and others are not. The doors in this particular building will only open based on your attractiveness. However, you don't get to decide your attractiveness. The door does.

So, you find yourself in this building in a hallway full of these doors. Some really attractive ones and others not so attractive that you simply pass by. Then, you find the door you want to go in. But, you find it is locked. However, rather than moving on to another equally attractive door you become fond of this door and more determined to open this particular door. So, you keep trying and trying to open the door. Meanwhile, experiences behind the other doors are being missed. As time passes, some doors that would let you in previously begin to lock forever. In your frustration, you try harder and harder to impress this door to let you in. After all, it is the one you want to go inside.

You haven't even touched this girl. Get out of your own fucking head. Move on and stop focusing on a single door.

Besides, what is behind the attractive doors is pretty much the same across the entire building.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm curious to know where validation ends and just enjoying good sex begins.

When you guage your own worth or character against the amount and / or quality of sex you are getting, then you are using sex for validation.

If you are not self assured and have a weak frame, getting good sex bolsters your weak frame but as soon as the quality or frequency drops off, your weak frame becomes even more apparent and that's when you become needy and seek sex for validation.

When you reach the point where you are able to judge your own worth or character without the need for external validation, then you have reached the stage - not necessarliy when good sex begins - but when you can decide that if quantity and / or quality of sex you are getting is good enough for your own standards.

If you are self assured and have a solid frame, bad sex means nothing more to you than bad sex and good sex means nothing more to you than good sex.

As with pretty much everything, it all comes down to frame.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is there such a thing as married monk mode I should do for a while?

Monk mode is monk mode... married or not, just different scenery.

Sometimes when the lottery get's really up there...1/2 billion on up. I'll catch myself fantasizing about it. There's so much amazing stuff I could do with that kind of dough. But it's just that. A fantasy. Just a bit of mental entertainment for falling asleep or while I'm waking up in the shower. If I'm having a particularly shitty day, I notice I can get stuck in long patterns of unproductive thought.

It becomes escapism.

If you don't plan on doing a thing and yet think about it constantly and compulsively then it's escapism fantasy.

I find any time a hobby starts to creep into escapism I need to identify the underlying thing I'm mentally or physically avoiding and just address it head on.

If you realize that your fantasy in this case is just a woman (or world of women) validating your achievements you have to just own that it's meaningless. A sea of women would love you, a sea of women would loathe you.

Validation for a man should be nice but a perk and indicator... not a goal unto itself.

One of the things women value is a man who values himself without regard to how she values him. To crave it is to undo it.

But again, like any addiction, unless you come to terms with the base hole you are filling ...or other issue you are distracting yourself from with escapism, you will just find another crutch.

[–]CrazyLegs784 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I have an obsessive infatuation with big asses. I use my wife's big ass for sexual gratification. What my wife's big ass thinks of me does not change how I feel about myself. I am now strong enough to lift my wife's big ass. I don't care about the shit that comes from my wife's big ass. Thank god I live in 'Merica where there are lots of big asses.

[–]jerrymcguiver0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Amen brother

[–]KoalitativeResearch2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think this is why NMMNG proposes taking a break from sex. Taking a break eliminates the opportunity for validation-driven sex, and forces you to confront whether you are seeking sex out of neediness.

I don’t think that break is necessary for everyone, but it might be helpful for you.

[–]FoxShitNasty834 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

I will chuck something up. So I was/am still needy. I decided to see what happens if I stopped cuddling, hugging the wife. Turns out it was hard. But it helped me find mental space and cut the cord with mummy (sick). Then what do you know sex came back... The moral of the story is don't be needy it's not attractive. Do other shit, she will come around or she won't.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I did the same thing - no cuddling, hugging, holding hands - it’s a good exercise for a codependent and will show you just how much you were using it for validation.

[–]MightBeNiceGuy0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I was in a similar position. I always needed to hug or cuddle my wife to feel ok about myself, and would get needy and unattractive when she refused or resisted.

I've tried to stop doing this. It's very hard. My wife seems to be happy that I'm not annoying her with unnecessary touching anymore, but it hasn't improved anything so far. Sex definitely hasn't come back yet. I get the feeling that she's relieved that I don't need her anymore so she's now free to just leech my betabux without feeling guilty about needing to give anything in return.

[–]jerrymcguiver0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You still kino your wife and run game. Be fun and fuck your wife. Is this the db sub?

[–]FoxShitNasty832 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

No point running high levels of kino on a wife that dosent want to be touched by a needy faggot. I guess it's down to individual calibration and ensuring the kino and game come from a place of strength rather than needy validation. Yeah I still kino and game the wife but I don't hug her to make myself feel better anymore.

[–]Redpillbrigade170 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Validation does not involve others. Good sex does.



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