(Emotional) scar ruined my date, how can I recover from post traumas?

mrbasic- · 2019-07-24T01:30:05+00:00

Honestly, man, we all go through some shit. Lord knows I have demons I'm still fighting to this day.

Once, I was on a date and crossed paths with an elderly woman that reminded me of my grandmother who passed recently and it completely threw my game off for the rest of the night, so I know what you're experiencing.

My advice? Find healthy ways to go through the trauma/pain. Personally, I lift/box, write in a journal, and talk to a professional about my trauma. Don't be like me and hold it in; that shit will eat you alive. Also don't be like me by drinking yourself to death and staying in bed all day.

I genuinely feel stumbling on this community saved my life. TRP woke me up to the reality that the days of someone grabbing me by the hand and leading me through life is over; it is all on me. Will it suck reliving those moments? Hell yes. Will there be doors you wish you kept closed? Hell fucking yes, but you're gonna make it, brother.

After digesting TRP, I've realized that frame isn't about withstanding outside pressure, but withstanding pressure from within as well. By overcoming personal obstacles and slaying inner demons, we will have better control over our overall frame.

As to what to tell your girl, I recommend what another commentor said and double down if you're not ready to open up your scar.

Thank you for being vulnerable with us, and I hope my advice helps.

All the best 🙏🏾

FereallyRed · 2019-07-24T00:51:45+00:00

Double down on the mystery to cover the frame loss.

"I don't/can't talk about it".

Then don't.

She'll get the hint.

BrodinsOats · 2019-07-24T01:56:31+00:00

Damn I got the belt as well but never that bad. No scars.

Anyways, therapy was helpful for me. But it took a while before I met a good therapist who worked well for me.

Yashugan00 · 2019-07-24T11:12:04+00:00

she didn't really do anything wrong and she couldn't know. don't disqualify her. it might be she's more attracted to you know. Lord knows girls want to 'fix' a man. could be you're more interesting to her now because you have a dark past :)

ShotgunTRP · 2019-07-24T09:15:34+00:00

Say you cant remember if it was the shark attack or the time you had a knife fight with the sinaloa cartel boss

finally_a_free_man · 2019-07-24T04:00:28+00:00

This is a refreshing post. Usually I lurk here every once in a while and I often find inexperienced teenagers asking for shortcuts to shallow pursuits. But, this right here, is a real concern. It seems that you did everything well, but an old psychological wound (a literal scar haha) resurfaced and caught you off guard. I agree with 6nick9, the only way I have found peace for my father’s sins was to accept them through forgiveness. We are all born with the capacity for evil. He did things that made sense to him at the time, things that felt just and right. The intentions are likely to be in the right place, but the methods are undoubtably inhuman. Forgive him for he did not know any better, just like how every one of us didn’t know any better for the evils of our past. You’re in a better place now and you are safe. If you want to correct your father’s wrong, then raise your children with the foresight from his mistakes. If you wish to not have children, then you can still provide relief to the homes of families who suffer from physical/mental abuse.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2019-07-24T14:05:44+00:00

Every scar I have, as far as women are concerned, I got from saving a kitten from a house fire. If they express disbelief I ask “Why do you hate kittens?” If they persist, then I say ”I can’t believe you hate kittens. And to think I really liked you.” And ”Whatever you say, kitten-hater.” So pretty soon you’re not talking about it anymore.

Note: It’s important to do this with a humorous vibe.

0io- · 2019-07-24T02:59:34+00:00

I don't think you would lose any points for saying your Dad used to beat you with a belt and you're still kind of sensitive about it. Just tell her you're not mad about but it brings back some bad memories or something. Also, once you have it out there in the open it's not likely to break your frame again next time.

Edit: In general being successful in spite of having had bad stuff happen to you in the past only makes you look stronger.

akq0 · 2019-07-24T14:27:26+00:00

I have a big scar in my back from C3 to D2 due tue a bone tumor surgery when I was 16 yo and a scar in my right wrist cuz I smashed it playing soccer, had 3 surgeries to fix it.

When ANYONE ask about it I tell them "it is from a fight I had against a crocodile" they laugh and I immediately change the subject. If they persist I tell them we will discuss it other day.

Above all it's all about acceptance and now that you are an adult you have the tools to live ok with that.

[deleted] · 2019-07-24T02:51:44+00:00

Accept what he did. He couldn’t help himself — it was how he was raised or perhaps he had a mental illness or even he might have taken out his own misfortunes on his children. Forgive him. And move on.

Know that you’re safe right now at this very moment. That he can’t hurt you anymore. That right now you’re in control.

Tell her that you haven’t thought about what your father did to you in years and that’s why your date ended abruptly but you’re fine now. Telling her what happened builds trust, shows sensitivity, but showing her that what happened to you is in the past, you can’t change it but you’re content and satisfied with now and your future, will show her your strength. This shouldn’t be a dealbreaker in the relationship!

jackandjill22 · 2019-07-24T05:01:33+00:00

Logistics company?

lugrulo · 2019-07-24T03:01:20+00:00

Therapy, and lots of meditation. Don’t run from your fears, trauma, etc. Look it dead in the eyes and observe your negative emotions without analyzing or judging them.

rockyp32 · 2019-07-24T06:14:20+00:00

I don’t think she lost interest she probbsly just assumed u got mad at her

oooKenshiooo · 2019-07-24T05:36:22+00:00

There is a series on TRP called Invisible War. The latest two installments deal with that.

ComplexProjection · 2019-07-24T10:20:45+00:00

Own what you are, what happened to you. You got a (badass - women love it) scar in your back because your father was a bastard ? So be it.

It was not your decision to get it, but it is your decision to own it.

When someone asks about the scar, you can either be frank about it or invent a crazy absurd story to avoid the topic.

Two_kids_in_a_coat · 2019-07-24T10:28:48+00:00

“I don’t want to talk about that”. Simple. You don’t need to answer everything, as a matter of fact it’s better if you don’t. Keep an air of mystery about you.

communistcontrolact · 2019-07-24T22:53:13+00:00

You should get revenge on your dad for being a piece of shit

DadOnDabs · 2019-07-25T06:11:37+00:00

Just say "it's something I don't like to talk about" and leave it at that. She'll drop it but also leave a little mystery for her.

lifesaverser737 · 2019-09-13T05:19:04+00:00

The main treatments PTSD are medication, psychotherapy, Cognitive processing therapy.

Here sharing this blog post, I hope this may help you.

Andrew54321 · 2019-07-24T03:29:12+00:00

Find your dad, beat him back then drink a beer.

wanker7171 · 2019-07-24T05:31:42+00:00

I am 22yo if that’s important

I swear I'm going to lose my mind if I have to keep reading the phrase "If that's important"

Please god erase that annoying phrase from your vocabulary. Be confident in what you think is important.

Basically I wanna know how you guys overcome past traumas?

I change the subject asap. I don't want to have to relive shit I've put behind me

ngyuhnang · 2019-07-24T08:40:14+00:00

It ain’t a harsh way to educate people, it’s child abuse. Seriously buddy, please go see a therapist.

umizumiz · 2019-07-24T13:02:30+00:00

Reply to her honestly, as "backwards" as it may seem. Don't try and hold frame where there is no frame, reframe it as you are owning your past trauma. Keep your head up, bro. You're doing great in life.

spez: honestly as in whatever you want her to know, not your whole life story.

RagBeerBela · 2019-07-24T06:57:38+00:00

Damn thats tough, I suggest you meditate on it, sit down relax and just think about it, embrace it. It probably even looks cool, girls love badass scars so a plus for you.

frontyer0077 · 2019-07-24T07:23:58+00:00

She probably did not lose i terest, I think she is worried and feels guilty for asking. She askes about a scar, and know you probably did go through some trauma to get it. Especially after your reaction to it.

Twll her youre not mad, but the scar question brought back some stuff from your past.

Best way to deal with such is seeing a therapist.

SexySmexxy · 2019-07-24T07:32:36+00:00

Just tell her it has to do with your scar and that you'll tell her one day.

Girls love a mysterious guy with a scar, but she most likely is going to think she probably did something wrong and that your problem is with her.

Reassure her she didn't do anything wrong and tell her you'll talk about the scar one day (you dont have to) but yea.

I can guarantee (based on how you said the date went) she really likes you and that she is super confused right now as to why you're acting different.

Title	(Emotional) scar ruined my date, how can I recover from post traumas?
Author	youcantstopmyzed
Upvotes	38
Comments	38
Date	July 24, 2019 12:35 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/ch0zaa/emotional_scar_ruined_my_date_how_can_i_recover/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/emotional-scar-ruined-my-date-how-can-i-recover.246398 https://theredarchive.com/post/246398

Comments

Know that you’re safe right now at this very moment. That he can’t hurt you anymore. That right now you’re in control.