714,030 posts

Frame & Happiness

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July 24, 2019
28 upvotes

TLDR: MRP provides me with a whole series of accomplishments. Those accomplishments make me feel good. I feel happy more consistently. Wife enjoys coming into the frame of a happy man.

Yeah, that's a pretty beta-sounding title, but hear me out:

As I've dived into MRP, reading the side-bar, etc., I've noticed that I'm racking up a small list of accomplishments.

My body is starting to look in a way it's never looked before. I see muscles I didn't know I had. I'm lifting weights I didn't know I could lift. The progression of accomplishment feels good.

In learning to be more assertive, I'm not caving to people's manipulation or silly requests. I'm getting what I want more frequently at home and at work. It's progress, and it feels good.

Just bought a new house, and I'm knocking out project after project. There's still a lot to do, but I have a host of accomplishments already built up, and it feels good.

Attempting to be an alpha for my kids, they become more obedient and more cheerful in my presence. Our time together is that much sweeter when I'm consistently maintaining (or trying to maintain) frame, instead of caving to cries and whines (I've got little, little kids). It's not perfect, but it's progress. And it feels good.

Trying to game, seduce, and initiate with my wife more consistently. We're nowhere near where I want to be, but there have already been strides between us heading in the right direction. It's progress, and it feels good.

I've noticed that day-to-day, as I consider all this progress, I legitimately feel happy. I feel good. I can smile easily and broadly. I can laugh more freely.

In the recent past, this type of behavior would come with covert contracts:

  • "If I provide my wife with a happy husband at dinner time, she'll have sex with me." (Nope. Didn't work. Never did.)
  • "If I accomplish things around the house, my wife will agree to do what I want to do this weekend." (Nope. No correlation. Had to argue with her still to get my way.)
  • "If I'm a good dad, my kids will behave which will impress my wife, and then she'll have sex with me." (Nope. Using your kids doesn't work. They hate it. She hates it. Stupid move.)

At the end of all these contracts was the idea: "... and then I'll be happy."

Now I'm trying something different. Now, I'm happy to begin with. I'm happy regardless of if I have sex or not. I'm happy regardless if I get the dishwasher all-the-way fixed today or just most-of-the-way fixed. I'm happy regardless of whether my kids are being less cooperative than normal.

I take a moment to look back on my recent pile of accomplishments. It feels good. And I feel happy.

I've noticed that this is the frame that my wife happily submits to. I know what I'm about. I'm happy with life strictly based on what I'm doing. I'm not moping. I'm not wearing some veneer beneath which I'm actually pissed off and vengeful. Neither am I actually, visibly pissed off. I'm. Just. Happy.

Shoot me feedback. If this is all beta-fag stuff that I'm misinterpreting, I'd like to know sooner rather than later.


Post Information
Title Frame & Happiness
Author CarelessBowler5
Upvotes 28
Comments 20
Date 24 July 2019 03:14 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/246454
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/ch9gn7/frame_happiness/
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Comments

[–]useful_stranger16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy

That’s pretty much it. Having been at it for 4 1/2 years that’s pretty much the state you want to be in. You won’t even notice it, and good things start to happen AFTER you’ve done your job for your own damn self, doing what’s important to you. Then lo and behold your feminine partner pleases you the way you want to.

Then just carry on. Beat the guy you were yesterday - self-improvement to the grave.

[–]Cmvplease25 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Comparing yourself to your past is the only correct comparison. Kick old self's ass.

[–]amalgamator9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

Sounds like you are growing the fuck up.

“Classic attachment theorists contend that those with emotional problems received too little love and support from their families. Bowen argued that it didn't necessarily follow that more love and attention would make them whole—in fact, they had become overdependent on love. They needed to break the dependency while maintaining the closeness—in short, by differentiating from their families of origin and their adult partners, to keep individuality intact. The goal was not to retreat into the security of infancy but to move forward, completing the process of growing up.

Indeed, Schnarch now saw, in one clinical session after another, the most troubled couples were often far too enmeshed in the very relationships they complained were not close enough. And they typically felt obligated to seek approval from a partner instead of feeling confident about their own thoughts and actions, the imprimatur of the adult.”

“Gridlock in marriage is guaranteed. After all the late night confessionals and wild sex, after all those walks in the park and vacations with friends, after the children have gone to bed and the bills have been paid, only gridlock remains. And there's just one road out of gridlock if you want to keep your marriage intact. You can't communicate your way out of it. You can't empathize your way out of it. You have to learn to soothe your own discomfort, regulate your own emotions, and pursue your own goals. To stop being a drain on your partner and to handle problems on your own. That way, says Schnarch, we "open enough space" to get closer and provide room for passionate love to return.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201205/how-grow

[–]CarelessBowler5[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I read something similar years ago in "A Failure of Nerve" by Edwin Friedman. As a single, I found that pretty easy to do. After getting married, I've grown more and more codependent without even realizing it.

Thank you. This quote is fantastic.

[–]amalgamator0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Have you read Passionate Marriage or Intimacy & Desire (even better but out of print)?

https://crucible4points.com/crucible-four-points-balance

[–]JungleBeanr0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This might be the most impactful thing ive read in trp

[–]Brushyourteethm83 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds good! 👌

Keep on keeping on. All the best

[–]Cmvplease22 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're judging yourself. Good job.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I bet your game clarity became crystal with consistency in the lifting.

Just saying

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I posted on happiness in the 60 DoD recently, and my favourite quote was:

"It is not he with little, but he who craves more, that is poor."

That quote is consistent with your post, where you no longer "crave more".

It's where you want to be.

(I am ignoring the unicorns and rainbows vibe in your post)

[–]CarelessBowler5[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

And here I thought I had toned the unicorns down already.

See how far I have to go?

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I picture you in a field in Austria in a white shirt throwing flowers in the air with gay abandon

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well done.

A red pill man is happy.

[–]BarracudaRP1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Other commenters gave great insight. I just want to say that this

Now, I'm happy to begin with. I'm happy regardless of if I have sex or not.

Tells me you at least pointing in the right direction. I can't tell if you mean it but this is absolutely the frame you want to keep building on.

PS glad you finally fixed that fucking dishwasher.

[–]savageinthebox0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is basically where I am, and it’s a good place. Or at least a good start. I have a long way to go in a lot of respects (I am still around 33% BF - I’ve lost 30lbs since starting MRP and lifting heavy) but I finally feel like I understand Frame, outcome independence, and whole lot of other topics on this sub. Wife is happier than she has been in a while, but not because I’m trying to make her happy. When I tried to make her happy she was miserable.

Edit:

Also, What’s interesting - I’m doing a lot of the same shit I did when I was BP. Like I’m doing dishes and picking up clothes off the floor etc, but when I was BP I was doing those things as part of covert contracts to get mommy’s approval. It never worked. Now I’m doing the dishes BECAUSE THERE ARE DIRTY FUCKING DISHES IN THE SINK and I don’t want to live like that. And then I notice something else, and something else and I keep going until it’s the kids bedtime and all I did since I got home was lift, cook/eat and clean up. My wife is coming to me asking how she can help. I’m the captain of this ship and I want it to shine and I’m leading by example. When she asks I’ll say “get the kids ready for bed, I need to water the gardens or cut the grass” etc. She gladly jumps in and does what I ask, when a few short months ago she would’ve said “why can’t you do that tomorrow, I don’t want to put the kids to bed, blah blah blah.” And I would DEER like a faggot and explain that the flowers we planted need water or they would die and she wouldn’t give a fuck. I was not a man to be followed. And I didn’t make any pussies wet, not the least of which hers. She has now initiated 3 out of the last four times we fucked, and the frequency is increasing.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Fuck me. That's some seriously gay shit you just wrote.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm starting to feel weakandsensitives thunder on TL/DRs.

If OP thinks his post is to long and people wont read it, so do I. Fuck him.

To long, didnt read.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

yupppppp.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Are you trying to convince us?

Words just show who you pretend to be. Stop worrying about what a high value man does and just be one.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your post sucks.

People who are happy do not type out 3000 words trying to convince a bunch of anon internet faggots they are while citing a bunch of generic bullshit like:

I see muscles I didn't know I had. I'm lifting weights I didn't know I could lift.

If this is all beta-fag stuff that I'm misinterpreting

Yes, this is all beta-fag shit.

Go lift till you puke and use those abs you didn't know you had to get that come from your boyfriend out of your tummy.



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