Pickme-ism and cognitive dissonance

2020-09-25T00:53:25+00:00

Take more time to yourself, you’re not ready to be dating. You need to be so comfortable being single that a man needs to bring a LOT to the table for you to consider giving up the peaceful single life. That is a position of power to be in.

sqqwuuuirtling · 2020-09-25T01:11:44+00:00

Hey! We're all works in progress, nobody's perfect. Don't be too hard on yourself! we've been trained to prioritize dudes our whole lives. even if you're non-conventional and independent, that brainwashing is still there. We've been brainwashed with codependent pop songs and terrible TV and romantic comedies with nice girls and thrillers with douchebag "mysterious" older dudes. Women were basically brainwashed by Western culture to view other women as competition instead of sisters. It's not going to wash off overnight, it takes time.

Just take time to get to know yourself and not lose yourself in humping some raggedy fuckboy. I think the reason I'm so strict with my lady pals who are humping dumb bros is because it took me so long and so many humps and so much unnecessary drama from lying baby men for me to learn that I deserve to be a demanding bitch. it's much more satisfying to be a bossy bitch and walk away from a shit fire, than spoil these underserving dummies hoping that I'll change them into a better person. It's just a process. It's like recovery basically

Moonmask999 · 2020-09-25T01:01:15+00:00

Do you love yourself? Because if you don't, deep deep down, if you have low self esteem, that might be causing you to slip back.

It could be for numerous reasons. anxiety. desperation. wanting love.

But that's not the important part. The important part for you is to KNOW YOUR WORTH. To know what YOU WANT. To know what you've been through and don't want to go through again. Remind yourself how you want to fall in love. How you want to life your live. Because it's hard. You meet a guy, and you see so much potential. Stop falling in love with potential. He seems like all the things you've ever dreamed and it's because you might be in love with being in love. And I know it's tough to separate what you want so bad and the guy right in front of you. And you might make mistakes. You might not get out of your "pick me" habits in one day.

And that's ok. you know where you want to be. Sometimes people bring out the worst in us. But know what you want in the end.

Honestly I'd just stop dating for a long time to figure out why this keeps happening and take action. Level up. Date yourself first

2020-09-25T01:01:51+00:00

You need to work on yourself, sis.

And I don't mean for a day... I mean for a long time. You have to invest all of that lost time you had spent during your pickme days, not on men, but yourself. You've had a lifetime of bad habits solidified by society's brainwashing machine, and now that you're here... and you're finally aware of it, you can finally free yourself. It will take time, it will take energy, and it will take patience.

Ask yourself "Why am I doing this?" I asked myself that question, as to why I kept daydreaming of some prince-charming to come and sweep me off my feet. It turns out, it all comes from a lack of self-love.

Firstly, allowing yourself the freedom to do what YOU want to do, is a good start. Has there ever been anything that you wanted to do? For instance, a certain kind of place you would have loved to go, but you held off in waiting for a man? Guess what? You can go there yourself, and truly enjoy your own company. Your life does not stop, or start for a man. Your life will not be completed with the presence of a man. A man does not hold power over your feelings. You are the only one who holds the permission to make yourself happy.

In reaffirming your queen status, you're essentially becoming whole by yourself. You're becoming perfectly comfortable to rule, king or no king.

Yes, no to dating. Do what you've always wanted to do. Invest time in a hobby you've always loved--I for one am studying music for the first time in my life, even though I have a PHD. The world is yours, your time is your own, your freedom is your own.

You know what to do, queen.

*Edit: Words

keep_my_stuff · 2020-09-25T01:12:57+00:00

Oh wow I love this question. I would actually say that the moment you feel that way, assume they are LVM bringing out that side of you even if they have done nothing. You can feel the energy on a deep level. Even if they seem HV and perfect... you can feel it and revert back to a pick me role. I too am exactly like this. I’ve really experimented and found that how I feel pick me / anxious / over compensating or whatever negative thing I am feeling is being brought out by them. You are not an energetic match to the person you are feeling this way around. So you are sinking to their energy. Also they might be judging you in their mind so you start feeling self-conscious because you can feel it deep down. Anyways this should help a lot because instead of assuming something is wrong with you, you assume something is wrong with them. Remember LV can pretend to be HV for awhile so if you feel this way just trust you know the truth deep down. They are master manipulators and seducers. All the time we spend trying to protect ourselves they spend trying to learn how to seduce us.

janetheautomaton · 2020-09-25T03:02:19+00:00

Are you lonely?
Do you like yourself?
Do you like your life?

2020-09-25T02:56:14+00:00

Your body is used to a habit and way of being. It may just be going through the motions by trigger, idk.

Yes you can never go wrong by spending more time with yourself.

You are already self aware of your own behaviour and admitting instead of denying, that’s a huge step already.

Just practice small HVW changes in your life to get adjusted to a new way of being. Rome wasn’t built in a day, Queen.

keep_my_stuff · 2020-09-25T11:37:15+00:00

Not really advice, but sharing my own experience - I've been reading FDS since February, and some of the concepts are only now sinking in (after being confirmed by real life experiences). Before FDS I was blind and non reflective, FDS has at least given me a tool to reflect on my experiences, even if I don't make FDS-approved choices all the time.

ello-motto · 2020-09-25T07:42:35+00:00

Everyone has given great advice here so far. I'd just like to add, try slow down your reactions.

Sometimes we have auto-responses to what's happening around us, and those auto-responses will be rooted in our previous behavioural wiring.

If a guy texts you, don't reply with what you'd automatically reply. Stop, pause and think about it and think how would the best version of me answer this?

You can also journal about this topic. List all the situations and scenarios where your PickMe side came out first, without you thinking. Now, write what you can do next time a similar situation pops up, but this time it's from the perspective of your best self who loves herself and respects herself and has boundaries.

Pre-empting a scenario and brainstorming how your higher self would react to these situations instead, allows you to slow down and be more intentional and conscientious about your actions when those scenarios come up next time.

Hope that helps!

2020-09-26T06:54:30+00:00

This answer may seem a little left of field, but maybe practice mindfulness (actually mindfulness not the pseudo junk thrown about). It sounds like you don’t have a problem in knowing what to do but in doing what you know. It might help (along with the other great suggestions here) to really strengthen your ability to resist impulses and default courses of action and allow you to pause and think and decide on new behaviours that are consistent with the ‘you’ you want to be.

Title	Pickme-ism and cognitive dissonance
Author	TheTower_14
Upvotes	65
Comments	25
Date	September 24, 2020 9:33 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iz6c6z/pickmeism_and_cognitive_dissonance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/pickme-ism-and-cognitive-dissonance.264417 https://theredarchive.com/post/264417

Comments