25 Feminist lessons for my sons

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-organ/25-feminist-lessons-for-my-sons_b_5952276.html

Feminism does not mean feminine. It means equality.

Don't ask me why we call it Feminism when "Humanism" or "Equalism" would suffice for an ideology apparently based on the principle of equality. Instead, let me indoctrinate you some more with the following contradicting points.

Being a boy doesn't mean you can't be a feminist. Neither does liking sports and burgers and action movies. Just like wearing jewelry and makeup, taking my husband's last name and getting manicures don't make me any less of a feminist.

Oh, just a second. Let me self-reinforce my ideological beliefs first. Okay all done, now I'm ready to recruit you.

It's OK to cry. But as with all expressions of emotion, take care to do so in a responsible and respectful way.

Women cry in public all the time over the smallest things. You can be just like a woman and do this too. Don't worry, plenty of men will come running to your aid to assist your public breakdown and offer a helping hand. And all your lovely female friends will tell you what a strong man you are for being brave enough to express your real feelings.

Be friends with girls.

Because you need an ideological reason for this. Being friends with girls out of your own merit as a normal human being is something a boy likely wouldn't do without being told to. Also, I needed to think of 25 points and something inane like this fits the bill perfectly.

Girls can like trucks, superheroes and Stars Wars, just like boys can like princesses, tea parties and My Little Pony.

I always wanted a daughter. That's why I made you grow your hair long, gave you a barbie for Christmas, and told you to dress like a princess. Don't worry about the other boys at school that make fun of you, you're gentle and precious and they didn't have the benefit of a feminist mother. They're the atheists of feminism. And don't worry about what the girls think once you hit puberty, you'll always have your mother around!

The phrases "like a man" and "like a girl" hold no real meaning. Ignore them.

There are absolutely no differences between men and women. These aren't readily observable which is why I have to point them out for you like a priest speaking to a pagan.

Be strong AND sensitive; the two are not incompatible.

You'll thank me later in life when you're trying to be assertive around your abusive boss only to break down crying.

Your penis does not give you superpowers. It is simply part of your anatomy. It makes you human, with all of the pleasures and obligations that the human experience offers.

While we're at it, let's talk about your penis and how it relates to feminism.

Hold doors open for women. And men, for that matter. Not because of any sexist traditions, but simply because holding the door is kind and polite. It is just good manners. For the same reason, push in your chair and put the toilet seat down.

Do things for women, oh, and as an afterthought, do them for men to. Just go ahead and go out of your way to do things for everybody. Be polite and put the toilet seat down. Don't ask me why it's polite for men to have to put the seat down rather than for strong independent women to just do it themselves. To summarize: Grow up to be a doormat.

A girl might look pretty, attractive, cute and sexy, but true BEAUTY comes from within.

I sincerely believe that the fairy tale Disney movies I watched as a little girl are representative of the real world. Also, as a woman I can be attracted to a man for reasons other than his looks (Money and power for example). I don't want you to be with someone who you are naturally attracted to. Find a strong feminist woman who will criticize and demean you your whole life, just like me.

Pay for dinner and buy her flowers. Not because that will make her more likely to want sex or fall in love; do it just because it is the nice thing to do.

Remember what I told you about being nice to people, you know, the doormat thing? This is related to that. It doesn't matter if she earns the same or even more than you, be nice and spend your hard earned money. Oh sure, you could be nice and give it to charity instead, but make sure you have enough leftover to at least buy her flowers. And don't expect her to do the same for you, that's just rude male entitlement.

Have sex when you are both ready. Not because your friends are having sex. And not because your hormones are going all haywire inside of you. But because you are physically and emotionally ready to handle sex and its aftermath.

And remember, if she regrets having sex with you later that means you're a rapist.

"No" means no. Silence also means no. And even "maybe" means no. Only "yes" means yes.

You're a big boy now, so let me tell you what Yes, No, and Maybe mean. What's that, she's silent but just sat on your lap and is vigorously pulling your clothes off? Better ask her permission again just to make sure, otherwise you might be committing a rape.

Surround yourself with people who invite you to be your best self. Be wary of people who want to change you.

Let me pass off some generic advice as a feminist lesson. I get paid for this because I majored in women's studies.

Equal work deserves equal pay; equal pay requires equal work. It's just that simple.

Don't show me that video of a sixteen year old arresting a violent drunk in public while two female officers stand by - they're hard working women smart enough to utilize the resources around them! I don't care if a man died because a female fire fighter was too weak (but not "weak") to pull him from the flames. And don't you dare tell me about the lack of female plumbers and garbage collectors - we only want to be equal in the jobs that don't require any hard work. You know, like being a bank clerk or CEO of a large company.

Your gender does not define you. Neither does your job or car or bank account. Be kind and brave, be a good friend and a hard worker and treat everyone with respect -- those are the qualities that will define you.

Your gender does not define you, mine does. That's why I'm forcing feminism down your filthy male throat.

If you get married one day, your spouse may or may not take your last name. Neither choice has anything to do with how much she (or he) loves you.

But it is a good indicator of how much she respects you. If she protests and doesn't take your last name, expect a pitiful life in service of a woman who will constantly shame and criticize you.

There are more ways to provide for your family than financially.

At least, if you're a woman anyway. But since I have a disconnect from reality and believe men and women can behave exactly the same without any consequences let's further feed my Disney fantasies and pretend you can be somebody's princess too.

If you should one day have a family, make your child care decisions based on one thing only: What is best for the family. Consider the financial, professional, emotional, psychological and other factors involved, all of which might change over time. Maybe you share financial obligations associated with raising a family and you both work outside of the home, then share in the household and child care obligations as well. And if you decide that one parent will stay home with the children, don't be afraid to step up to the plate. Being a stay-at-home parent is hard but good work, regardless of its lack of a paycheck.

Let me emphasize my earlier point about providing value to your family other than financially, while also mentioning the necessities of financial obligations, and reassuring myself that I was able to live a good life as a stay at home mum, and that in this equal opportunity feminist world you can have the same life as a stay at home dad. I'm not being delusional, son.

Even though most commercials and just about every sitcom on television will send messages to the contrary, men are capable of making the bed, doing the laundry, changing diapers and tending to other household chores and child-rearing tasks.

While I love laughing at how stupid and incompetent men are on television as a sort of mental masturbation of my fantasies, you need to remember to do everything for me that needs doing. I'm just reminding you.

Don't be afraid to apologize. It is not a sign of weakness, but a brave act of courage and strength.

Even if you're not necessarily wrong about something, just apologize to show how strong and brave you are. I force apologies out of your father all the time!

Never take for granted the privileges you have -- whether financial, educational, racial, cultural or otherwise -- and continue to fight for the rights of those who do not enjoy the same privileges.

So fight the good fight for the women of America! What's that about Africa and the Middle East? La-la-la I'm not listening!

Be sensitive, empathetic and compassionate.

I can't believe I'm getting paid for this shit.

There may be differences between the sexes -- just like there are differences between all people. This is a good thing. Do your best not to over-generalize. And don't be afraid of the differences; celebrate them.

Though what these differences are might be difficult for you to recognize because you're so emasculated at this point you might as well have the final operation done and become a woman for real.

Remember these lessons, not necessarily because any person or group of people needs protection or special treatment, but simply because they are essential for fairness, equality and respect. They can, I hope, change the world -- one small step at a time.

Berta Lovejoy, Feminist, Promoter of Equality, Love, and Peace.

It's been a slow day...