Identifying and Addressing Problematic Behavior(s)

MissPearl · 2016-05-02T19:20:26+00:00

Male or female? Sexual orientation?

Female, prefer guys but do both.

Relationship status? Relationship preference (spinning plates, marriage, poly, LTR etc)? Purple, blue, red or non-pill?

LTR, feminist sexual libertine. :P

What are your personal ‘red-flags’? These are things (behaviors, traits etc) that indicate to you that the other person may not be worth pursuing.

Pushy, aggressive and mean.

What are your deal-breakers? These are the behaviors and traits etc that make you ‘next’ someone. You would also end a relationship over these things (or, if applicable, possibly divorce)

Physical or emotional abuse, untreated serious mental health problems, erratic spending, lack of sexual satisfaction or compromise to make us both happy, racism, controlling.

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

Drastic changes generally require a head injury. However I ended an LTR when my partner at the time began escalating abusive behaviours from normal human frailty to actively toxic.

What changes did you notice?

The shouting and the insults. Holding up all the 'practical' side of housekeeping and having them fail to pay their share of the bills. Severe sleep deprivation. Physical abuse.

Why did (or why do you think) these changes happened?

He passed the threshold of feeling like he had enough power over me he could do what he wanted. So he did.

Did these changes really happen suddenly; or do you think there were signs along the way that you initially missed and you only noticed how bad things had become much later on?

Not until some time into the relationship, when they were happening. He appears to be able to be perceived as charming and even helpful by other people.

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was) Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt? What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person?

An example of a problem: Really shitty verbal treatment- as a learning experience I tried various levels of "talking level headedly about my feelings" then "not talking level headedly" (after he said his problem was that I wasn't emotional enough) then "not talking to him any more until I had the resources to escape".

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

I'm slow to trust?

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while?

Nah, when they identified the problem, we had some back and forth and then they talked about it. Not sure it was a deal breaker.

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

He wanted more scope of control in a project that I run that he participated in. Generally, with my current partner I pick up he's not feeling good and ask him. We connect really well.

Do you think ultimatums work?

Eh, it's a toss up. I don't like them.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

I don't do ultimatums. If I'm prepared to carry them out I'm generally carrying them out.

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

Nope. N/A

Any other thoughts, opinions, or observations or questions?

Nah.

[deleted] · 2016-05-02T19:24:13+00:00

Ohh I love these.

General information: Male or female? Sexual orientation? Relationship status? Relationship preference (spinning plates, marriage, poly, LTR etc)? Purple, blue, red or non-pill?

Male, straight, in an LTR, I prefer LTRs, and am purple leaning to red.

What are your personal ‘red-flags’? These are things (behaviors, traits etc) that indicate to you that the other person may not be worth pursuing.

I won't date a girl who goes out clubbing and shit, I've had personal bad experiences with "party girls."

If I catch her lying about something relatively small, that's one too. If she lies about small things she could be hiding more. It's not an instant deal breaker (a major lie or betrayal of course would be) but it's absolutely a red flag.

And simply anything that hints at the deal breakers I'm about to list below, for example talking about how she loves Jesus and won't have sex until we get married. NEXXXT.

What are your deal-breakers? These are the behaviors and traits etc that make you ‘next’ someone. You would also end a relationship over these things (or, if applicable, possibly divorce)

Wanting kids. Being strictly religious. Not wanting to be submissive in the relationship. Being a feminist. Not open to drug use (doesn't even have to do it, just be okay with it, not talking addiction just recreation).

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

What changes did you notice?

Yeah. I've had girls pretend to be into the same kind of thing I am (think dom/sub relationship) only to pull the rug out when we were together for a bit. This is not only an issue with the lack of the dynamic I like but the very act of lying and manipulating like that erodes my trust as I mentioned in the red flags answer.

I also had girls who seemed all nice and innocent confessing to me that the other night they snogged some other guy at a club. Pathetically, the first time this happened I let her off the hook, but after that I learnt my lesson quick.

Why did (or why do you think) these changes happened?

They thought I was too emotionally invested in them to dump em I guess.

Did these changes really happen suddenly; or do you think there were signs along the way that you initially missed and you only noticed how bad things had become much later on?

Yes looking back there were signs I now know to look for. If I meet a "vanilla" girl and have to bring this stuff up myself, odds are she won't be as much into it as me. It could be she has a hidden kink or two, but that's unlikely. Especially when I look at this as a lifestyle, not just a roleplay in the bedroom. I learned to be a lot more specific when looking for future mates.

As for the cheating shit, that's why I now avoid party girls. It's all about adding filters as you go in the dating game it seems.

Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt?

First time yes, after that no.

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

Answered this above really. When I was young and naive I let it pass but after that I learnt to add red flags as a preventative measure and not put up with shit from girls I was seeing.

What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person?

These days, if I notice red flags I will at least gently bring it up in conversation.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

Yeah, few of my ex's didn't approve of my drug use.

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while?

Yes.

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

They noticed me acting funny and shit. And honestly I just outright told them what I was on (in this case it was stimulants) because I don't care enough to hide it.

Ironically I'm now actually prescribed stimulants.

Do you think ultimatums work?

Not in my experience.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

"If you're not really into the dom/sub lifestyle you should leave."

"But I am really, here let me do some roleplay for a couple of days then go back to being vanilla again!"

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

"If you wanna keep seeing me you have to stop doing drugs."

"Here let me show you the door."

Any other thoughts, opinions, or observations or questions?

Damn I can write a lot.

PhantomDream09 · 2016-05-02T18:51:40+00:00

General information: Male or female? Sexual orientation? Relationship status? Relationship preference (spinning plates, marriage, poly, LTR etc)? Purple, blue, red or non-pill?

Female, straight, LTR, monogamous committed relationships, red pill.

What are your personal ‘red-flags’? These are things (behaviors, traits etc) that indicate to you that the other person may not be worth pursuing.

History of cheating, alcohol or drug abuse, financially irresponsible, unreliable, indecisive, compulsive, cowardly, unreasonable negative emotional responses, doesn’t want LTR

What are your deal-breakers? These are the behaviors and traits etc that make you ‘next’ someone. You would also end a relationship over these things (or, if applicable, possibly divorce)

Smoking, cheating, kids (I do not want children, so I cannot be with someone that wants them)

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married to seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

I broke up with an ex that cheated on me. I didn’t notice anything extremely negative, in fact we had been making a lot of positive plans. He went from not wanting kids, or marriage to suddenly pushing really hard for both.

What changes did you notice?

Why did (or why do you think) these changes happened?

I’m not sure if he changed his mind after he cheated, because he realized how great our relationship was – or if he was just freaked out about getting older. It didn’t matter to me either way.

Did these changes really happen suddenly; or do you think there were signs along the way that you initially missed and you only noticed how bad things had become much later on?

They seemed really sudden to me, and I’m not sure what was going on with him. We had made several long-term plans that involved him getting out of the Military, moving to my location (we were temporarily semi-LDR, I moved to a new location ahead of him and he was going to join me within a year, once his contract ended). We were going to rent a house, he was planning on going back to school for some additional training so he could pursue his desired career, and we wanted to get a dog (among many other things). Shortly before I found out about the cheating, he started talking about wanting to get married and start having kids.

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

The marriage and kids talk was weird to me, but the minute I found out about the cheating – I walked. He ended up not moving to the same state (didn’t matter to me, part of the reason I moved was for a job opportunity and I have family here).

Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt?

Not when it comes to cheating. It is a deal-breaker for me. I do believe that marriages have a better chance to survive an instance of infidelity. However, LTRs are only legitimate/strong when both people actually follow through on being faithful. The words to be exclusive mean nothing if one person cheats. This is strictly my personal opinion.

In my current relationship though, yes. /u/OccamsUsername has a proven track record. He's responsible, loyal, honest, driven, measured, and loving. I never have to doubt his motives, or worry about the decisions he makes. He puts my mind at ease, and I trust him.

What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person?

If I were to notice a disruptive behavior (or behaviors) that negatively affects my SO’s ability to operate normally day-to-day. If I notice an extreme, negative, and [suddenly] consist change in behavior, demeanor.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

Occam tells me when something stands out to him, or if he notices something that could become a problem.

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while?

He tends to give me the benefit of the doubt, because we trust each other and know each other well. When something is ‘off’ it’s temporary, and there’s a specific reason for it (he usually helps me resolve the problem as well, whatever it is).

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

I’m very predictable and consistent both with my routine, and my general behavior. When he notices something that seems odd, he gets to the bottom of whatever is going on to make sure that I can get back to being stress-free and happy.

Do you think ultimatums work?

No. I don’t think relationships should get to a point where either person thinks an ultimatum is the best possible chance for change/success.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

N/A

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

N/A

damaskrose · 2016-05-03T01:26:35+00:00

General information:

Female, straight, married, monogamous, blue

What are your personal ‘red-flags’?

Becoming angry or offended easily. Guys who talk at you instead of with you.

What are your deal-breakers?

Being treated "lesser than", like his thoughts/feelings/desires/opinions/goals should always take precedence over mine. High N-count (let's say, more than 10). As well as all the usual stuff - like cheating, lying, abuse, baggage, babymamas.

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

Happened twice in previous LTR's.

What changes did you notice?

In the first case, he started off acting kind, engaging, respectful, and interesting. Started changing almost immediately after I agreed to be exclusive. Ignored me most of the time. Did not treat me like a priority, more like a doll to be played with only at his convenience. Emotionally abusive, cheater, etc.

In the second case, I met him online (would not recommend). The person he presented himself as online was totally different than how he turned out in real life. Online he was clever, articulate, fun and interesting to talk to. In real life he was socially awkward, embarrassing in public, immature, and much less hygienic than he appeared on camera.

Why did (or why do you think) these changes happened?

First case: He thought that after I fell in love with him, he could treat me however he wanted & I wouldn't leave.

Second case: He didn't really "change" - I'm not even convinced he was intentionally trying to mislead me. Some people's online persona is very different than their IRL persona, and it's not necessarily that they're trying to be "fake", but they're only showing you one facet of themselves, and you extrapolate the rest. But once I saw the whole package, he was just very different than the person I thought he would be.

Did these changes really happen suddenly; or do you think there were signs along the way that you initially missed and you only noticed how bad things had become much later on?

Yes, there were signs.

First case: All my friends hated him and I couldn't understand why. They said he was mean, disrespectful, and so forth. I thought he was just misunderstood, because he treated me so well. But of course, eventually he ended up treating me just as badly as everyone else. Also - he never apologized and would always deflect blame - even for little things which didn't matter.

Second case: This one was more subtle, not sure if I can remember anything specific. He did/said some things which turned me off, but I ignored them because I didn't want to be "shallow" or "judgmental".

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was) Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt?

Yes, in both cases I gave the other person benefit of the doubt, and stayed in the relationships for much longer than I should have.

What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person?

If it's a one-time thing, I usually let it go. If it's a repeating pattern which is affecting our relationship, then it's important enough to mention.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

In the first case, yes. You could say that my behavior started to mirror his, in some ways. "If he can call me a bitch, then why shouldn't I call him an asshole?" and so forth. However, this was well after I tried, many times, to discuss our problems calmly (always turned into yelling and verbal abuse on his part), and frankly well after I should have left him. I even thought if I tried communicating "on his level," it might be more effective at getting through to him (it wasn't).

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while?

He didn't dump me, or treat me any differently, so I assume so. Yelling and combativeness were normal for him - they were his default way of dealing with conflict, as well as his entire family. So I'm not even sure if he would have recognized it as a red flag.

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

He never did, unless random insults (often when I had no idea what I did "wrong") counts as "approaching me with his concerns."

Do you think ultimatums work? Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond? Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

No to all.

Any other thoughts, opinions, or observations or questions?

N/A.

madscientistlove · 2016-05-03T05:17:16+00:00

Male or female? Sexual orientation? Relationship status? Relationship preference (spinning plates, marriage, poly, LTR etc)? Purple, blue, red or non-pill?

Female, bisexual, engaged. Prefer poly but now monogamous (going on 5 years now). Red pill.

What are your personal ‘red-flags’? These are things (behaviors, traits etc) that indicate to you that the other person may not be worth pursuing.

Rude or cruel to those "weaker" than himself (service workers, the elderly, the homeless, animals, children). Appears to be playing games with me or wasting my time. Habitual dishonesty.

What are your deal-breakers? These are the behaviors and traits etc that make you ‘next’ someone. You would also end a relationship over these things (or, if applicable, possibly divorce)

Habitual cheating (not a one-off, but ongoing cheating that is not resolved), ongoing physical abuse, debilitating alcoholism or drug addiction, pedophilia, rape, killing my family or dog.

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

Sure, I can imagine it but it's never personally happened to me.

What changes did you notice? Why did (or why do you think) these changes happened? Did these changes really happen suddenly; or do you think there were signs along the way that you initially missed and you only noticed how bad things had become much later on?

N/A

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

I try to respond with compassion and understanding. As an example, when a generally sweet and reasonable man snaps at me out of the blue. I try not to take it personally or escalate the situation (screaming back, anyone?).

Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt?

Yes, of course. When I know that the person I'm seeing is a good person who loves me and has my best interests in mind, I know they aren't trying to hurt me intentionally. There is usually a reason that's causing them to act that way, such as stresses at work, sickness in their family, a hundred other things that could be wrong.

None of us are perfect. I think forgiving each others' very human failings is an important part of a good relationship.

What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person?

In that above example, I'd only bring it up if it kept happening. Otherwise it's water under the bridge. He apologized unprompted and I let it go; holding "I told you so"s over people does no good.

Otherwise, I don't have any hard and fast rules over "what has to happen" for me to speak to my fiance. If something's bothering me, I'll bring it up, preferably at a time when everyone is cool and calm.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

Well, I developed a bad habit of complaining about a new job ALL THE TIME. In retrospect I realize it was really annoying and a huge buzzkill.

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while?

Sure. But it slowly slid from "reasonable venting" to "wayyy too much negativity".

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

I think at some point it really started to bother him, and he told me so. From then on, I've made it a point to watch how often I complain and to not drag down the conversation every. single. day.

Do you think ultimatums work?

I don't see any reason why they couldn't work, but at that point, I assume the person giving the ultimatum already has one foot out the door. It has to be a big dealbreaker, imo. Where giving the "ultimatum" is just giving the person one last chance to change a behavior before you walk out the door (the natural consequence for them NOT discontinuing said behavior).

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

N/A

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

Yes, it was when I was still poly. A LTR strongly disapproved of a new boyfriend (which was unusual, we both had other partners often) and told me I had to break up with him or he was leaving. That relationship was already a shitshow, which is probably why I didn't respond favorably to the ultimatum. I did not break up with the new boyfriend (who I am now marrying), and my ex ended the relationship.

Any other thoughts, opinions, or observations or questions?

Nope, thanks for the list of Q's!

littleyellowpills · 2016-05-03T05:55:54+00:00

Male, straight, semi-open LTR, non-pill

What are your personal ‘red-flags’?

Shortsightedness (the figurative kind, not the glasses kind), selfishness, under or overconfidence, poor self-image, insecurity, frequent or overly intense anger, holding grudges.

What are your deal-breakers?

Hard drugs/other addictions, cheating, controlling my social or family life, cutting me off from sex, uncontrolled mental illness, excessive debt, pathological lying, and pretty much anything that could be called emotional or physical abuse.

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

Imagine? Yes. For myself and the people close to me, there have always been signs in hindsight though.

What changes did you notice?

My first real girlfriend (in university) slowly stopped having sex with me, became more and more hostile, wanted "space", threatened self-harm when I mentioned breaking up as a way of giving her space, and then made out with my best friend's baby brother who I think was underage at the time.

Why did (or why do you think) these changes happened?

Untreated depression on her part (I suggested counseling but she refused to go), neither of us had any clue how relationships worked or what was normal or acceptable, incompatible values.

Did these changes really happen suddenly

Absolutely not. Knowing what I know now, things were obvious from a mile away.

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond?

Escalate as far as necessary along the following path:

forgive and forget,
mention the problem
fight about it
stop covering for her and focus on protecting myself while allowing her to feel the natural consequences of the behavior
issue an ultimatum
break up.

Example: Early in my relationship with my current GF, she would go through frequent phases of wanting a "break". The last 3 bullet points happened all at once in that case, since the natural consequence of breaking up was, you know, breaking up.

Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt?

Absolutely. That doesn't necessarily mean staying silent though. Just assume good faith, as they say on Wikipedia.

What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person?

Not much. I used to have a much higher threshold before I'd mention something, but I've found that it's easier to be truly compassionate and non-judgemental if I speak as soon as I'm pretty sure my feelings are fair and reasonable.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic?

My current GF found me to be kind of a know-it-all.

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while?

Probably, but it didn't feel like it.

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

I volunteered my opinions on things that didn't particularly affect me, I guess.

Do you think ultimatums work?

If you would legitimately prefer to be single if nothing changes, they literally can't fail! In the worst case scenario you get to be single, which is an improvement.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

Me: "I'm not going to talk you out of breaking up with me this time. I love you but it's no good for my sanity and that's more important. If you want a break you can have it, but it's going to be permanent." Her: "OK, I don't want a break anymore."

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum?

I think my crappy first girlfriend did more than once, but I forget what the circumstances were. Sometimes she meant it and sometimes she didn't. Sometimes I caved and sometimes I didn't.

Any other thoughts, opinions, or observations or questions?

We all benefit from having the option to walk away from a bad marriage, even if we never use it or even mention the possibility.

sattorie · 2016-05-04T14:16:14+00:00

General information: Male or female? Sexual orientation?

I'm straight, female, and blue pill.

Relationship status? Relationship preference (spinning plates, marriage, poly, LTR etc)?

I'm in a LTR relationship, considered common-law. Being in a LTR is my preference.

Purple, blue, red or non-pill?

Blue pill.

What are your personal ‘red-flags’? These are things (behaviors, traits etc) that indicate to you that the other person may not be worth pursuing.

Controlling, aggressive, narcissistic, insecure, manipulative or lying.

What are your deal-breakers? These are the behaviors and traits etc that make you ‘next’ someone. You would also end a relationship over these things (or, if applicable, possibly divorce):

If the person became physically or emotionally abusive. If I caught them in a big lie (i.e. I found out they cheated).

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

It's never happened suddenly, always gradually things would come to the surface, like his manipulativeness, secretiveness, clues that he was cheating. The relationship went on for years until the abuse escalated to a point where I realize I had to get out or I would die.

With my current partner, I trust him a lot and can't really imagine him doing anything that would compromise our relationship. I think the only thing I could imagine his him cheating on me. That would be a deal-breaker.

What changes did you notice?

Increasingly controlling behaviours. Installed a keylogger onto my computer. Wouldn't let me use the washroom alone. Shouting, fighting, physical violence. Pretty obvious stuff.

Why did (or why do you think) these changes happened?

He is an abusive fuck with anger issues. Every relationship he has ever had was toxic.

Did these changes really happen suddenly; or do you think there were signs along the way that you initially missed and you only noticed how bad things had become much later on?

There were lots of signs, I was just too naiive to see them.

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

I didn't respond well. I made excuses for him or blamed myself.

Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt?

Yes, way too much. He always positioned himself as a the victim and I believed it.

What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person?

Nothing. He can fuck off.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

I was drinking a lot at that time, I don't think that helped.

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while? What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

They didn't.

Do you think ultimatums work?

I don't really think so. I think both partners have to be willing to work on the situation for the relationship to go anywhere. Making threats to leave if things don't go your way isn't productive. It just pushes the person farther away.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

Nope.

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

Nope.

sen--sen · 2016-05-02T19:00:08+00:00

General information: Male or female? Sexual orientation? Relationship status? Relationship preference (spinning plates, marriage, poly, LTR etc)? Purple, blue, red or non-pill?

female, straight, married, LTR, non-pill.

What are your personal ‘red-flags’? These are things (behaviors, traits etc) that indicate to you that the other person may not be worth pursuing.

small hints in conversation can sometimes give them away/make it clear we have different goals and values, like men who talk a little too much about wanting to party, wanting to be taken care of or wanting the fairy-tale family (kids, mom who is happy to be nothing but a mom). i'm not really interested in that and haven't been for a long time, so when i was dating and even just choosing friends now, i usually know that i won't have a great connection with this person because we're just too different. there are also more obvious things, though, like being disrespectful/cruel to animals, waitstaff, or other people in general (extra-bad if he makes up for it by being extra nice to me). general ill manners are a big red flag as well. eventually, they'll be directed at me. guys who really love drugs, porn, or pinups are also bad news.

What are your deal-breakers? These are the behaviors and traits etc that make you ‘next’ someone. You would also end a relationship over these things (or, if applicable, possibly divorce)

raising his voice or hands to me (or friends/family), cheating, flirting with other women, lying to me, trying to control me, not doing his share of housework or bills, etc.

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

yes.

What changes did you notice?

with one guy (guy A, i suppose), everything was good, and then he started avoiding me and my calls. on the last few outings we did have, he went out of his way to comment on other women and avoid any attempts at physical contact (a few weeks after saying he wanted to spend our lives together). it was pretty noticeable, and now we don't speak at all. i have no idea where he is, or what he does.

with the other guy (B) it was a little more gradual, but not by much. where he used to want to treat me to things, he would pressure me to buy him a lot of things instead. he would have extreme reactions to minor problems (like a CD not burning properly) and scream (at me, usually) and slam doors and throw things against walls. he got more bizarre and violent from there, and not long after, i couldn't take anymore.

Why did (or why do you think) these changes happened?

guy B was spoiled, and he had simply always been allowed to throw tantrums and get his way. he was also conventionally good looking, so i guess because of how infrequently it happened... he really hated being told no or rejected and wasn't great at accepting it when it happened. guy A... i don't think he was a bad guy, but maybe a coward. i was kind of clingy and pinned a lot of hopes and expectations on him (pretty unfairly, given that he couldn't ever have met them) so while i don't know for sure, i wouldn't be surprised to find out that that was why he backed away.

Did these changes really happen suddenly; or do you think there were signs along the way that you initially missed and you only noticed how bad things had become much later on?

guy A was really sudden. i don't think there were signs along the way; i was definitely blindsided. there were signs i missed with guy B for sure, though (either because i really didn't know, or didn't want to see them).

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

i was pretty young with both of these guys, so my M.O. was to tell myself everything was okay and would work itself out in the end; it was just a bad day, or he's going through a rough time, or i don't know him well enough and surely there's a good reason for this! that kind of thing. with my husband now, i'm typically more direct, but i've also gotten better at both picking my battles and looking at all sides of a situation (in the event that i'm part of the problem, or my reaction is off).

Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt?

yeah. it wouldn't really be fair to hold my husband responsible for what other guys did, and more than that... he's earned the benefit of the doubt, multiple times over.

What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person?

typically, if i see something continue over a period of time that i think is worrisome, i will bring it up. there hasn't been anything so serious that it poses an immediate threat, but i imagine if there were, i'd be much quicker about discussing it.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

maybe. i don't think he's ever brought it up with me directly, but i know in the past it bothered him that i was so closed off physically and emotionally (and likely still does, to a degree). it's improved with time since we've grown closer, though i still have improvements to make with that. more recently... i also have hearing problems, so sometimes even if i don't hear him, i'll respond with what i think would be best to avoid embarrassing myself or creating an awkward situation for both of us. i've been trying to break that habit too, though.

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while?

yeah.

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

i think he was worried about me leaving, or our relationship ending. when we first got together, i was really closed off and he was super affectionate, so we were at odds with each other for a while, when we were trying to figure out how to make things work (or if they even could work).

Do you think ultimatums work?

not really. i imagine if you reach the point where you have to issue an ultimatum, your relationship has already reached a point you're unlikely to return from. i also have my doubts about someone being able to change themselves permanently at another's command, without actually desiring that change themselves.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

no.

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

no.

Any other thoughts, opinions, or observations or questions?

no, though i look forward to seeing the other responses to this.

alreadyredschool · 2016-05-02T18:36:43+00:00

'1. Male, hetero, taken, LTR, red

'2. I don't need flags I am very picky and disgusted by average.

'3. Annoying behavior

'4. Yes I can imagine it

'8. Communication - next

'11. Nah

'14. Yes but I won't tolerate them and I try to avoid using one.

'16. Complained about ultimatums, didn't comply, used the power of communication to create a compromise.

'17. Observation: Way to many people don't notice/tolerate changes. They are too forgiving or lack self awareness to realise what annoys them, way to late they start to complain, this leads to drama. Too many people also lack self love and endure bullshit.

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Title	Identifying and Addressing Problematic Behavior(s)
Author	PhantomDream09
Upvotes	2
Comments	15
Date	May 2, 2016 6:09 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/4hixnz/identifying_and_addressing_problematic_behaviors/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/identifying-and-addressing-problematic-behaviors.274833 https://theredarchive.com/post/274833

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