I was Banned from AskMRP for "You are not entitled to sex with your wife." CMV?

2016-03-26T11:54:18+00:00

I married a more traditionally-minded woman. She believes it is a wife's duty to provide sexytime to her husband. I never force her to do anything she doesn't want. When I asked about whether a man is entitled, she said yes because her logic is that if wives don't give sex, husbands find it elsewhere.

This is a difficult subject because it isn't long before people talk about marital rape. Right now a man is compelled to provide commitment (marriage) while women are not compelled to provide sex. In other words, there is no renegotiation of commitment when she doesn't want to have sex. She could, for example, promise to have sex frequently and within a year they'd be experiencing a dead bedroom. She'd be getting the commitment without giving any sex. There is no easy resolution here for her husband. If he divorces her for a lack of sex, he'd be shooting himself in the foot financially. If he cheats and is caught, then he is screwed as well. He is locked into a commitment contract with her and I reckon if he could withdraw commitment as quickly as she could withdraw sex, the issue would be solved quickly.

That being said, married couples can seek counselling for their issues. As I like to look at it, if you don't want to sleep with your partner, and you feel sex is not a big deal, then it should not be a problem if they find it somewhere else. If it is a problem that they may have their needs met outside the relationship, then you need to talk to your partner and work out a plan.

Sex is a contentious issue because women have used sex to control their husbands. I once saw a documentary where partners kept diaries about their dead bedrooms, and while it was easy to write men off as sex obsessed animals, what they wrote in their diaries was concern about whether their wives even wanted them anymore. Some stopped asking for it and had been waiting years for their wives to say yes. In those instances the wives felt entitled to denying their husbands sex, which is part of what it means to be married for many couples.

Then there is the issue about who is in the mood when and how much they are in the mood. Women who see sex as a chore don't think about the chores they dump on hubby when they are denying him sex. If he has to earn sex with her beyond being a committed husband then something is wrong. While I would not encourage a man to feel entitled to sex with his wife, I would say he should discuss a strategy about how sex is going to happen. What alternatives are there? Blowjobs and handjobs when she isn't in the mood for PIV sex? Perhaps she needs a little foreplay to warm up? Etc. If it is clear she is not interested, you may need to find a way to gain her waning attraction again or look for an exit strategy.

Getting banned for making a point about entitlement is harsh though. They should have explained their position. Sex is not an easy topic because not many people have the same levels of desire and, of course, what happens if one of you isn't attracted to the other? People tend to just stick it out instead of being honest for fear of losing their partner or their commitment. A husband who cannot get it outside of marriage and who isn't getting it in marriage is going to feel frustrated. He thought he could trust his wife with his desire so he would feel betrayed if she never desires him.

Unfortunately they get no sympathy because people say things like it wasn't in the contract or that they have no right to feel entitled. What they want is their wives to desire them again not to be told they are entitled for daring to want to have sex with their wives - a perfectly normal desire. This is assuming a non abusive relationship, of course.

2016-03-26T09:56:57+00:00

You are not entitled to not getting banned

LordFishFinger · 2016-03-26T09:24:17+00:00

The Russian euphemism for sex (within marriage) is "the marital duty". It's tongue-in-cheek, but it kind of reflects the truth, in my opinion.

I don't think the husband is entitled to sex at any moment he demands it, no. But if he's not getting it at all, then there's something wrong with the marriage. Maybe it's his fault, or hers, but the expectation to have sex while married is reasonable. In that sense, yes, I think he is entitled to it.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2016-03-26T14:08:16+00:00

You are in fact "entitled to sex" OR you can leave. Refusal of sex has almost always been grounds for divorce in cultures that allowed it, in orthodox judaism its even grounds for the wife.

If youre not "entitled" to sex from the person you SWORE you wouldnt have sex with any other people for life for, then marriage is rendered even more ridiculous. "To have and to hold, forsaking all others,til death do you part", you don't have to be a genius to Suss out what "have and hold" means in more genteel lingo, when followed by "forsaking all others".

holyjesusitsahorse · 2016-03-26T09:21:57+00:00

The word "entitlement" is a huge problem when it comes to feminist discourse, and it's no surprise that people won't tolerate it and will tell you to get out.

It's overwhelmingly used as a shaming tactic and a way to conflate things that people want or like or need and to make them sound as if those people are actually slave drivers or rapists. It's used as a way to say "how dare you complain about not having your needs met, there's no law that says you have to have your needs met", as if that was ever the actual issue being discussed.

In the real world, very few people are entitled to anything. Women aren't entitled to a husband, or a husband that has a job, or a husband that asks them about their day, or a husband that doesn't put on 60lbs in a year. That doesn't mean that people should start guilt-tripping you if you suggest that you're unhappy about any of these things.

berzakaaa · 2016-03-26T08:35:52+00:00

She isn't. It's not in the marriage contract, haven't you read before signing up??

wazzup987 · 2016-03-26T09:04:23+00:00

on the one hand yes, on the other if shes never in the mood then it's fair to question whether you should remain married

adrixshadow · 2016-03-26T11:20:02+00:00

Then what is marriage?

If look back at history you see that they were absolutely entitled to sex, God even burned in hell all those that didn't, it was the whole point to create offsprings, the partners didn't even have to like each other as long as they had children.

Nowadays you are right, you aren't entitled to anything, it is all cash and prizes for women and you hear over and over repeated Don't get married.

You are entitled to be robbed.

2016-03-26T14:29:11+00:00

No men should force a woman to have sex with him.

HOWEVER, women should understand that a marriage without sex is a friendship. It's natural that a man will expect his wife to have sex with him. I would expect my husband to have sex with me, and if he didn't want to I'd be really dissatisfied.

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2016-03-26T09:53:39+00:00

And I was banned from TBP for no reason at all. So what?

PostNationalism · 2016-03-26T08:36:33+00:00

Then its okay if he sleeps with someones else right? Because being married is pretty much committing to be with one person for the rest of your life. If He or She isn't putting out its going to be pretty miserable marriage.

DaphneDK · 2016-03-26T11:23:14+00:00

You are entitled to a reasonable amount of sex at a reasonable interval. Both the wife and the husband are that. Lack of sex is perfectly legitimate cause for annulment of marriage.

If you want to live with someone without the expectation of sex, get yourself a roommate.

2016-03-26T14:55:53+00:00

No one is entitled to anything.

2016-03-26T15:23:38+00:00

TRP MEN; YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SEX WITH YOUR WIVES. MARRIED RPERS ; YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SEX.

OK, then my wife is not entitled to my sexual fidelity. If I am promising ONLY to be sexual with her, then she must reciprocate by willingly providing ALL of my sexual needs. If she is entitled to my fidelity, I am entitled to having sex with her.

Technically you are correct of course. No one is "entitled" to sex with anyone else. However, in cases where legal agreements are made and requests for monogamy are granted, it is reasonable to expect sex within that relationship. No man alive would willingly agree to NOT have sex with the woman he marries for the rest of his life OR any other woman. Yet many men seem to find themselves in exactly this position.

betterdeadthanbeta · 2016-03-26T15:36:56+00:00

You posted this same post 6 months ago:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3kakkd/banned_from_askmrp_for_you_are_not_entitled_to/

Still salty? Lmao.

MorpheusGodOfDreams · 2016-03-26T17:01:58+00:00

For the absolute LAST fucking time:

She already said "I do" to being asked "to have and to hold," which is included in standard marriage vows.

For the incredibly stupid among us, "to have and to hold" does not mean hugging. it means sex.

The very point of marriage is to give beta men access to sex and security regarding paternity, so that they will willingly give up their labor and not become violent.

Denying sex IS spousal abuse. There is no way around this. Women cannot understand this because they have about 1/10 of men's testosterone, so they will get fat, then bitch about her husband watching porn or checking out other women.

It is a woman's absolute responsibility to keep her man's stomach full and balls empty, otherwise the institution of marriage becomes a completely one-sided agreement. TRP has recognized this, and thus suggests that men should avoid marriage at all costs.

acheronshunt · 2016-03-26T17:04:37+00:00

So, okay. That phrase is honest, because nobody deserves sex. Sex shouldn't be a reward for good behavior, it should be something a couple does because they're sexually attracted to each other and enjoy the intimacy and the emotional closeness sex can bring. Nothing you do entitles you to sex - not your relationship, past sex, being helpful in a relationship.

However, you can't just say "you're not entitled to sex" as a response to any question about sexual mismatch.

It ignores that there are sexual needs which may not be fulfilled. And it's okay to decide a marriage isn't working if your needs aren't being met and you've discussed it with them, and no effort is being made to try and meet them or compromise for you. It's okay to decide that while you're meeting your partners needs for stability or emotional support or financial help or household labor, and they aren't trying to meet your needs, that's okay to decide you don't want to try to meet theirs (passive aggressive response IMO) or decide the partnership isn't working. It's okay to have needs.

I don't know the context of the question that was asked, but I can tell you with the exception of "I do all this shit for her and she still won't get with me, what a bitch, I deserve sex" that saying they're not entitled to sex adds very little to the conversation, and doesn't help them come up with a way of broaching the subject with their partner to come up with a solution and letting them know how much their disregard for their needs hurts them.

hyperrreal · 2016-03-26T17:17:23+00:00

This post is basically a repost of something you submitted a year ago, which isn't allowed. Removed.

2016-03-26T17:20:53+00:00

lol what manchildren...IF I DON'T GET IT...I AM RUNNING AWAY!

energyvolley · 2016-03-26T08:49:15+00:00

deleted ^{^{^What}} ^{^{^is}} ^{^{^this?}}

Title	I was Banned from AskMRP for "You are not entitled to sex with your wife." CMV?
Author	PostNationalism
Upvotes	0
Comments	70
Date	March 26, 2016 8:29 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/4c0ipb/i_was_banned_from_askmrp_for_you_are_not_entitled/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/i-was-banned-from-askmrp-for-you-are-not-entitled.275468 https://theredarchive.com/post/275468

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