I’ve been following MRP for about 9 months now. I’ve come a long way in the lifting, but I made no progress otherwise. I know now it's because of my ego.
I’m choking on the pill - trying to swallow it - and it keeps coming back up. I’m angry. I’m angry because things aren’t what I thought they were my entire life. There’s no safe place.
I relied on my ego all these years to protect me. I used it to make my career successful. I used it to kick ass in the gym. I used it to give myself adrenaline to compete against “normal” men.
But now my ego is becoming my worst enemy. It’s made of glass - easily cracked - easily broken. It’s fragile and it’s no longer adequate to protect me from what’s to come.
But before I kill the ego I need to find a replacement. Before I can find a replacement, I need to find out why it’s there in the first place.
It’s there to try and protect me from pain. It’s protecting me from the hurt, and it’s doing a shitty job of it.
Where is this pain coming from? It’s coming from that voice that’s been within me my entire life. It’s sounds like my step-father - it sounds like my teachers - all telling me I’m a piece of shit who’s not good enough. The voice is telling me I’m awkward, lazy, stupid and unattractive.
It’s telling me I’m just a boy in a man’s body - not a real man.
The ego is my friend. He’s been telling this voice to fuck off - he’s been telling me to look at the successes in your life - look at the external validation you get on your appearance. The ego is telling me I’m not a piece of shit. But all he’s doing is distracting me from pain. He’s telling me to be angry - to be a big man - to do things in order to get back at those who hurt me.
But I need to feel the pain. I need to take responsibility and accept the fact my wife wanted to be with another man because I fucked up. I didn’t come to bed at night. I never initiated sex - ever. I made her ask for sex - and when she initiated I’d often turn her away. I was cold and distant for 20 years. I never lead or took care of ANYTHING around the house when emergencies popped up. I relied on her to do it. I got fat and unattractive. I sat in the passenger seat (literally) and made her drive. I yelled at her too much. I showed way too much weakness. I panicked about life right in front of her.
God - how could she even be with someone like this for over 20 years? How could she not be attracted to what appeared to be a better man?
I - FUCKED - UP.
My ego is trying to tell me otherwise. My ego is telling me things I want to hear but it’s no longer helping. In fact it’s making things worse and keeping me angry.
Feeling anger is easier than feeling pain. Anger makes me feel powerful. However after a while it starts to take from you. It starts to affect every aspect of your life including your family and work.
I - FUCKED - UP.
Feel the pain mother fucker. Feel the pain and then understand that it was your actions that caused it.
Now - instead of getting angry - do something about it. Start small. You’ve been a weak little boy protected by this glass ego your entire life. You’re not going to change over night. You don’t have to. All you have to do is TAKE ACTION every day. Find out what is making you feel weak - scared - unattractive - insecure. Then make a list of actionable tasks and start working on it!
For Christ sake, write an OYS. Coming on her everyday just to watch OPs being called a faggot isn’t going to help. Take action.
I - FUCKED - UP.
Thank you EGO for trying to protect me throughout the years, but it’s time for you to go. It’s no longer working. I’m replacing you with ACTION.