714,030 posts

Goodbye Ego

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November 11, 2019
15 upvotes

I’ve been following MRP for about 9 months now. I’ve come a long way in the lifting, but I made no progress otherwise. I know now it's because of my ego.

I’m choking on the pill - trying to swallow it - and it keeps coming back up. I’m angry. I’m angry because things aren’t what I thought they were my entire life. There’s no safe place.

I relied on my ego all these years to protect me. I used it to make my career successful. I used it to kick ass in the gym. I used it to give myself adrenaline to compete against “normal” men.

But now my ego is becoming my worst enemy. It’s made of glass - easily cracked - easily broken. It’s fragile and it’s no longer adequate to protect me from what’s to come.

But before I kill the ego I need to find a replacement. Before I can find a replacement, I need to find out why it’s there in the first place.

It’s there to try and protect me from pain. It’s protecting me from the hurt, and it’s doing a shitty job of it.

Where is this pain coming from? It’s coming from that voice that’s been within me my entire life. It’s sounds like my step-father - it sounds like my teachers - all telling me I’m a piece of shit who’s not good enough. The voice is telling me I’m awkward, lazy, stupid and unattractive.

It’s telling me I’m just a boy in a man’s body - not a real man.

The ego is my friend. He’s been telling this voice to fuck off - he’s been telling me to look at the successes in your life - look at the external validation you get on your appearance. The ego is telling me I’m not a piece of shit. But all he’s doing is distracting me from pain. He’s telling me to be angry - to be a big man - to do things in order to get back at those who hurt me.

But I need to feel the pain. I need to take responsibility and accept the fact my wife wanted to be with another man because I fucked up. I didn’t come to bed at night. I never initiated sex - ever. I made her ask for sex - and when she initiated I’d often turn her away. I was cold and distant for 20 years. I never lead or took care of ANYTHING around the house when emergencies popped up. I relied on her to do it. I got fat and unattractive. I sat in the passenger seat (literally) and made her drive. I yelled at her too much. I showed way too much weakness. I panicked about life right in front of her.

God - how could she even be with someone like this for over 20 years? How could she not be attracted to what appeared to be a better man?

I - FUCKED - UP.

My ego is trying to tell me otherwise. My ego is telling me things I want to hear but it’s no longer helping. In fact it’s making things worse and keeping me angry.

Feeling anger is easier than feeling pain. Anger makes me feel powerful. However after a while it starts to take from you. It starts to affect every aspect of your life including your family and work.

I - FUCKED - UP.

Feel the pain mother fucker. Feel the pain and then understand that it was your actions that caused it.

Now - instead of getting angry - do something about it. Start small. You’ve been a weak little boy protected by this glass ego your entire life. You’re not going to change over night. You don’t have to. All you have to do is TAKE ACTION every day. Find out what is making you feel weak - scared - unattractive - insecure. Then make a list of actionable tasks and start working on it!

For Christ sake, write an OYS. Coming on her everyday just to watch OPs being called a faggot isn’t going to help. Take action.

I - FUCKED - UP.

Thank you EGO for trying to protect me throughout the years, but it’s time for you to go. It’s no longer working. I’m replacing you with ACTION.


Post Information
Title Goodbye Ego
Author tom-anonymous
Upvotes 15
Comments 38
Date 11 November 2019 03:45 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/294814
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/duu4yq/goodbye_ego/
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Comments

[–]RStonePT[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children) | Copy

Hes wasting his time, I'd rather he not waste everyone elses.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret 15 points16 points  (2 children) | Copy

Alright man, you know what you need to do. Here's a little tidbit for you:

You do indeed need to get rid of the ego. You do need to face your failures. But watch out for the guilt. You put your wife through some shit for 20 years. You probably should feel bad about that... but not forever. Make your peace with it and her, and understand the sunk cost fallacy. Nothing you can do will erase how you were before, and you don't owe anyone any penance.

Watch out for those feelings of inadequacy to come roaring back too. A simple mantra: "I am enough." All the noise in your head about step-dads and teachers -- fuck it. This is your life, you get to live it once, and then you're dust. Decide what the life you want to live looks like, then figure out how to make it happen. Other people's expectations for you are their problems, not yours.

See you in OYS.

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for this. Much appreciated.

[–]part_wolf 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man, I needed this today.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

But before I kill the ego I need to find a replacement.

Frame. Replace it with frame.

Before I can find a replacement, I need to find out why it’s there in the first place.

It's there because you have no frame.

When you build ego, you build it in place of frame. It can protect you for a time, but it's made of glass, glass is fragile and eventually all glass breaks.

When you build frame, it's like a rock solid wall. It self protects.

It’s telling me I’m just a boy in a man’s body - not a real man.

But I need to feel the pain.

In tribal times, young men would go through rituals that involved pain - both spiritual and physical. When they emerged after this painful ritual, the boy would become man.

Use the pain, lean into it, discover what you need to do to become a man.

MRP has the tools and the answers.. use them wisely, apply them to your life and begin your journey.

Welcome to the real world.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red 6 points7 points  (9 children) | Copy

So what exactly are your action items again?

Or was this a meeting about another meeting?

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy

I get it. First OYS coming tomorrow. This is a victim puke.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red 3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy

As long as you realize that this post was a waste of time....

See you in OYS faggot.

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy

It wasn't for me. Sometimes you need to find a way to draw a line in the sand and tell yourself enough is enough. For me this was my way. But I get it. I added to the noise at MRP.

[–]Reddreng 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Eh, nice to know I’m not alone. I’ll be seeing you in OYS as well.

[–]RStonePT 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

You needed it, so why did you assume anyone else did?

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I didn't assume anything Stone.

[–]RStonePT 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You're missing the point. Where is the value add for anyone here. Or was this a new years resolution, say what you will do, get the dopamine rush from saying it, then not doing anything...

Or as you like to call it, the last 9 months

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If you see no value in this then that's your opinion. Fair enough. However you believe you're in a place where you feel you can decide that for others. That's not a good thing.

[–]RStonePT 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No one feels fuck all. You admitted yourself you've wasted 9 months on the absolute basics.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret 6 points7 points  (16 children) | Copy

Was that a question?

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Watch where you step, there's vomit all over the place.

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy

I think I misunderstood what victim pukes were. I've seen guys in the past post about their journey on askMRP. No way I would post on main marriedRedPill. Moderators please delete this post if it's inappropriate. I won't do it again.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don't delete it. Understand it's part of your journey. Every Beta faggot out there has Victim Puked at some point. It's part of the persona. You just did yours here.

Three days ago you posted this on /r/survivinginfidelity

The best revenge is becoming a man of high value then before this happened. This is what makes me feel safe.

Just now, in this post you said this.

There’s no safe place.

You want to feel safe. That's normal. Everyone does. You're hardwired for it. Own that as part of the journey too.

Yes, you were an unattractive fuck.

Yes, she cheated because you were unattractive.

Yes, you should make yourself a man of high value.

Admitting and achieving those things won't make you feel safe.

What makes you safe is your ability to acknowledge and assess the reality of a situation, so that you can work to address the real problem as opposed to the phantoms your ego conjures up as an excuse.

Good luck brother. Today is "day-one" of the rest of your life.

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

What makes you safe is your ability to acknowledge and assess the reality of a situation, so that you can work to address the real problem as opposed to the phantoms your ego conjures up as an excuse.

Everything you said here is true. The post 3 days ago was my ego. Even then I was trying to mask pain. Jesus you guys see right through it all.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

So, did she physically cheat on you or just an emotional thing?

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy

I will never be 100% sure but she pursued a former coworker for 2 weeks after he left and attempted to meet him in person. When you buy see through panties in a sexless marriage it's pretty much a good sign it's going to get physical if it already hasn't. Intent is all that mattered to me.

Edit: She also became obsessed with the guy and even drove by his house. On some days it was 5-10 times. It was pretty scary and it took a lot for me to process the situation. I wasn't dealing with just an affair, but I was also dealing with questioning her mental health.

[–]Smuggler-Tuek 5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

“Questioning her mental health”

Yeah but AWALT. Seriously I don’t know of an affair where the wife kept her shit together. Everyone will question what the fuck snapped in her. They become literally obsessed with someone new.

I have a half sister that is a life long drug addict. She is manipulative, cruel, and legitimately insane most of the time. Anyone that knows an addict knows the type. They aren’t even human once you see through the human like mask they wear. A wife whose been deprived of desire for years and suddenly gets flooded with hormones is the same thing. They are addicts for that feeling. They will do anything for it. There’s not an ounce of logic that will penetrate their psyche.

I’ve been there too. Fix your shit and create desire so it may not happen to you again.

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

A wife whose been deprived of desire for years and suddenly gets flooded with hormones is the same thing. They are addicts for that feeling. They will do anything for it. There’s not an ounce of logic that will penetrate their psyche.

This is the part I wanted to believe so badly over the past 9 months. I wanted a guarantee that if I fixed myself then I'd never have to worry about it again. However there are no guarantees in life.

I know now that she's 100% capable of cheating under the right circumstances. This was a hard pill for me to swallow because she was my unicorn.

However I ask myself often would she cheat on the version of me today? I'm not 100% sure, but I'm willing to give her that chance again and find out. If she stays faithful, then I will have no regrets.

If she doesn't stay faithful despite my efforts, then I'll still have no regrets because at least I'll be able to know I did my best as I'm walking away.

[–]Smuggler-Tuek 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

This comment comes entirely from her frame. What she wants. What she does. What she might do. Stop that and build your frame. You should be looking at it from the perspective of “do I want to stay with her? Does she deserve me? Is this marriage working for me?” The answer to an unfaithful spouse will be obvious to these questions but you will be looking at the situation based on yourself not her.

I’ve been where you are. The unicorn soul mate bullshit really rips your heart out when they treat you like you are no one. I approach my marriage differently now and while I still have a ways to go before I attain true independence mentally from her I can pretty confidently say if she asked me tomorrow for a divorce I’d laugh it off and say alright tell me where to sign.

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're absolutely right. I'm still focusing on what she might do. I keep looking at my life and how it can be affected by possible actions of others. I'm never going to be able to control that. However I can learn to control myself and my own perceptions.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don't think of it like this. It isn't IF I do something THEN she will do something. I say it all the time, if you are doing 3D chess you are doing it wrong. Control what you can control, let the chips fall where they may. Once you reframe things it makes life really easy. For example, do you have relationships with women who cheat on you? Yes or no. I didn't ask if you are happy about it, I asked if you will maintain a relationship with a woman who cheats on you. Lots of guys want to answer no, but that may not be your truth, and that is ok, it is your life to live. If her cheating again is your hard boundary, so be it, make it known, and let her make her choices. If it is not a hard boundary, so be it, hope that it doesn't happen again, but understand that you have already made the choice that it isn't a hard boundary, so their is no reason to get upset about it when she does it again, it just is.

Pretty much everything in life comes down to choices and boundaries. You have no need to waste energy on why others do things. Your job is to make sure they have all of the information they need to make their choices. You ever see idiots who think they are good at negotiating try to one-up each-other on a deal? Lots of puffing out chests, getting loud, being irritated, etc. That is you trying to convince your wife that you are a man now and she needs to not cheat on you. Don't be like that. I don't negotiate, I have my ducks in a row well in advance, know precisely the deal I will be happy with, and state it plainly, period. Take it or leave it, fine with me, I already did the work, I know my value. If you decide you don't have relationships with cheaters, then so be it. You find out she cheats? Shrug shoulders. "Whelp, that was dumb. Later alligator". Then you go on about doing whatever you were about to do.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Man, your lucidity. You create simple dichotomies that give clarity. It unnerves me. I get forward a little and think i can pause. Then I read your comments and i realize i am gumming on babyfood. I want to create this foundation for me. Most things in life i can take or leave. This foundation, I want it. It maybe one of the first things that I’ve truly wanted in my life.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

protip: women cheat because you fucked up somewhere, they need to be led or they will find a leader.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're fine, but this is your one time, hope it helped.

[–]tom-anonymous[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Understood. Thanks.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No question, just “attaboy” seeking disguised as a victim puke.

The post should have began:

“Bless me father, for I have sinned, it’s been 3 months since my last confession...”

[–]BobbyPeru 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are confusing ego with self esteem and a healthy voice in your head.

The ego we say to kill is false pride

There is healthy ego and unhealthy ego

Kill the unhealthy ego- the false and overinflated pride. It holds you back from being honest with yourself.

It’s that simple

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This was important for you to write. Congrats. Keep writing, it puts things in perspective. You have the road map now, good luck.

[–]RStonePT 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Lots of words to say nothing.

Sure felt good tho

[–]tom-anonymous[S] -9 points-8 points  (1 child) | Copy

I feel the same way about your videos. But to each their own. That's the difference between you and I Stone.

[–]RStonePT[M] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

The other difference?

One of us has green on his name. good luck with your ego

[–]rn7889 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

God dammit, man. You are a fantastic writer.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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