Felt like I acted “beta” around my girl last night & recently and don’t know what to do about it

poca_loca · 2019-12-19T15:42:34+00:00

There's not really anything to DO about it. The whole point of dating is to spend time with someone and see if you two are compatible. All women are different. There's no amount of manliness that is some magic amout you are supposed to exude. One of the most toxic things about redpill is this crazy all or nothing thinking. Humans are much more complicated than that ideology wants you to think.

Its ok to date someone for a while and realize that you aren't a great fit anymore. It doesn't say anything about your manliness or the female population as a whole. Just two people that liked each other at first and have since grown apart. Don't over think it.

absolutebeginners · 2019-12-19T14:21:40+00:00

Hard to say but it sounds like she's over the relationship. Whether or not your assertiveness has something to do with it or not we cant be sure.

ZaphodBeeblebrows · 2019-12-19T15:30:02+00:00

Why is being passive so bad though?

dtjkk · 2019-12-19T20:32:10+00:00

Something about her and her response to you makes you feel insecure if you're not feeling that way around other girls. The last thing it sounds like you should do is read too much into her behavior.

Your gf may have a million different things going on. But none of that should directly affect you because:

1.) You are NOT responsible for her happiness. I repeat: you are NOT responsible for her, or anyone else's happiness, ever. Only yours.

2.) We're all just doing our best, and partners typically understand that. So there's no need to be too critical of yourself if you're always striving to do better. That will get you stuck in a feedback loop of negativity that will tank your confidence, resulting in more of what you call "beta" behavior but is really just self doubt. So instead of getting lost in your head the next time those feelings come up, try talking it through with your partner and more importantly try believing her.

3.) Insecure/low self-esteem people tend to give others what they actually desperately need to give themselves, but don't think they are worthy of receiving. That can be acceptance, love, respect, consideration, and kindess. Even sex. It sounds like you're giving a lot to this relationship and not getting nearly as much in return. Rather than notice this, TRP has tricked you into thinking something is wrong with you but not her. The tragedy of TRP is giving men and women the false illusion of control over their relationships with the opposite sex when what people really need more of is less control and more understanding. Predictably, because TRP is a toxic cult, it results in people cutting themselves off from one another to prevent the falsification of their conclusions.

4.) If she's tired, irritable, defensive, and not initiating sex, she may be depressed dude. Give her space. If her behavior has anything to do with you, you will know after that.

The main thing I'd like to get across is how we perceive ourselves and deal with our emotions has ripple effects on our behavior and relationships. What we may perceive as disapproval could be the other person protecting themselves from what they perceive as disapproval from you. None of these cognitive distortions could be based in reality, yet they can start these feedback loops that amplify each other. If there is anything worth saving in your relationship then, someone has to stop that loop.

Laytheblameonluck · 2019-12-20T08:27:59+00:00

My girl also has a knack for popping my pimples and trying to pluck hairs on my face, which frustrates me both in public and in private

This is a boundary violation and it's not okay.

She sounds similar to an ex-girlfriend I had who had Borderline Personality Disorder. She went through this idealization, devaluation, discard process with men. During the devaluation phase she did these things, trying to "improve" me.

It's not reasonable behaviour for your partner to be doing this.

Next time, say "No! I told you not to do this", and explain to her that she needs to respect other people's boundaries. If she acts dismissive/avoidant at you after you stand your ground, ignore her and go hang out with your buddies.

Commonly people like this have an "insecure avoidant" attachment style where they push away people and act distant, other people then try "pursue" them where instead they should be left alone until they realise it's their own behaviour that's causing the isolation that they are scared of.

SimianFriday · 2019-12-19T23:32:26+00:00

Potentially unpopular opinion here... but some of what RP touches on is correct and it sounds like instead of holding on to the correct lessons you've abandoned everything, both good and bad.

One thing RP touches on that's correct is the importance of confidence. RP goes too far and confuses confidence with assertiveness - these are different things. Confidence is sexy. Assertiveness has its place, but if used incorrectly can make you a jerk. Your story sounds like you are struggling with confidence which may be causing some stress in the relationship. Work on yourself as RP stresses (confidence, health, fitness, hygiene, etc), just don't go so far that you turn into a cynical POS that turns abusive and starts treating women like they owe you something, as is the inevitable conclusion of the RP way.

helloiseeyou2020 · 2019-12-20T23:07:35+00:00

OP, all I can say is that the biggest problem with TRP is that RP is an extreme. Yes, even bigger than the frequent misogyny, because this extremist prism is why the misogyny even creeps in (treating women as all one monolith)

But just because you've abandoned one extreme, doesn't mean you need to go all the way to the other. Is feeling masculine or assertive a part of your identity that fulfills you? Or is it a performance you were putting on? Somewhere in between?

If the former, remove your gf from Monday for a moment and think about where you are in life, and what deficiencies there are between what you want and the life you're living, as well as who you want to be vs who you are right now. Figure those things out and then start addressing them.

This may sound similar to TRP beliefs ... that's because this concept is the core truth of TRP that sends people down the rabbit hole. Of you feel more accomplished, more energized, happier, more confident etc the odds are pretty strong that your girlfriend will respond to that if she responded to it early on (and in the bedroom generally)

If you're stuck for something to work on improving here's one: why are you literally only able to have sex in a car? Figure that one out and fix it. Car sex is a fun change of pace, not supposed to be your whole sex life lol

KennethDeMenace · 2019-12-30T11:41:45+00:00

I think you should leave. The problem is her not you. She's clearly indoctrinated under the "redpill" ideology herself. You did nothing wrong in those situations, she processed everything differently. You two clearly aren't compatible.

raziphel · 2019-12-19T20:37:22+00:00

Communicate with her like a responsible adult. Talk about the issues constructively, as best you can, in a way that doesn't come off as accusatory.

If it doesn't work out, that's ok. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it, or you, failed. Either way, do your best to process your feelings in a healthy and positive manner.

jeannedargh · 2019-12-19T21:53:51+00:00

You seen to frame your relationship as a power struggle. Try treating it like a team project. Works so much better, makes you so much happier.

MaterialReview · 2019-12-19T15:43:26+00:00

Do you have hobbies and stuff? Friends outside the relationship? Do you make exercise a priority? Sounds like you're a bit clingy and so is she and it seems like it wouldn't affect you but it is. Get out there and do other stuff and balance seeing her between the other stuff. Re sex, are you initiating and taking the lead? I find beta males wait until they see signs of her being up for it, or kiss apologetically waiting for sex to happen instead of just assertively going for it and taking the lead. Just a thought to do some self-exploring.

2019-12-19T17:34:40+00:00

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