I reviewed my dating history and I tend to go for men who are very charming, and end up somehow abusive? Why?

Pasdepromesses · 2020-09-30T16:49:09+00:00

Being charming isn't a personality trait, but a behaviour.

Most charming people 'act' charming, but aren't intrinsically good people. It's the mask most narcissists wear when they lovebomb someone or when they are around other people they know (and want to get something out of now or in the future).

Sure, good people can be charming too sometimes. But it will only be a part of you, and not define you as a person. Beware of very charming people, they use it as a way to get close to you and get to know your weak spots before the mask slips and they attack.

Edit: we attract what we feel comfortable with and already know, even if it's not good for us. You might want to look into yourself and see if you have any unresolved issues, insecurities or trauma.

BasieSkanks · 2020-09-30T16:52:46+00:00

As opposed to thinking “this man is charming”, reframe your thinking to “this man is charming ME”. People who lay on the charm often do it to get what they want. The reason why you fall for it is because it feels good. That’s why shitty and abusive people use it initially - they know it will hook you in. The best thing to do is to be on your guard. If someone seems too good to be true, the likelihood is they’re not true. Pay special attention to their actions. In my experience, charming men were good at talking the talk, but their actions often exposed their true nature.

thatbitchfrom6C · 2020-09-30T17:21:04+00:00

It't not a question of who you attract, but who do you decide to keep?

DadaExperiment · 2020-09-30T20:40:44+00:00

Please read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It will help you to avoid these people moving forward.

super_thinker_ · 2020-09-30T21:10:08+00:00

Did you have a conditional relationship with your parents when you were young? Was their love and attention hard to earn? Was their love inconsistent and unpredictable?

We subconsciously seek out relationships that mirror our earliest bonds. We like familiarity, even if what's familiar to us is unhealthy.

When you are lacking in self love, you fall for sparks and lovebombs because you think it means someone finally fell for you without having to earn their love and respect.

Narcissists can smell low self esteem from across the room. They like to get insecure, love hungry people hooked as fast as possible so they can use manipulaion tactics (neglect, passive agression, gaslighting) later to get more of what they need from them.

Stand tall. Hold yourself with confidence. Raise your standards. Stay true to yourself and your needs. Stop people pleasing. Don't fall for charms!

shellofthemshellf · 2020-09-30T17:38:02+00:00

On the FDS website there are many self help articles about escaping narcissists/spotting the red flags when you are vetting them. The charming behavior is part of the love bombing that narcs employ at the beginning to ensnare their victim.

ayhtdws1989 · 2020-09-30T19:40:16+00:00

First off charming means nothing. Men will offcourse be nice to you and charm you because otherwise they would not get what they want .so op please don't buy anything a man tells u because he is charming.charming means nothing to me. Also in a way does he remind you of your father was your father this way . It could be some way of you trying to find someone like him to redo your childhood relationship all over again

Salt_Satisfaction · 2020-10-01T03:31:49+00:00

In my experience, abusive people tend to be very charming at first. For example, men will do grand gestures like buying you flowers, paying for some expensive hotel and a trip... etc. They also appear to be a gentleman. They know almost no man nowadays helps a woman take her coat off, or help her to a chair, so they do gestures like this with a lot of parsimony that an unsuspecting person may take as "wow he really cares about me".

Once they get comfortable, their abusive tendencies will come out.

So my advice is: avoid men who seem very charming. Don't go for the extreme opposite, but if they seem extroverted and charming with a lot of ease, almost as if it was rehearsed, avoid them.

nat890 · 2020-10-01T12:52:52+00:00

Read the book The Human Magnet Syndrome from the FDS recommended reading list. It should explain why you’re attracted to those types in great detail

Title	I reviewed my dating history and I tend to go for men who are very charming, and end up somehow abusive? Why?
Author	IndependentHS
Upvotes	67
Comments	11
Date	September 30, 2020 2:20 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j2n0ms/i_reviewed_my_dating_history_and_i_tend_to_go_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-reviewed-my-dating-history-and-i-tend-to-go-for.318380 https://theredarchive.com/post/318380

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