The Coffee Date Sidestep

quaintrell · 2020-10-10T13:09:10+00:00

The thing is that once you set the standard of effort for a man, he'll never top it.

RadioactiveJoy · 2020-10-10T13:40:37+00:00

You can still get up and leave from a restaurant? Am I missing something. Your already doing FaceTime, if your still feeling uneasy or not safe then don’t go. There is no commitment to a man you can’t walk away from when you need to. Just get up and leave.

I’ve gotten up during the first quarter of sex because he was terrible at it and not listening to me. You can walk away form a dinner date. Your boundaries are there to protect you

MakeURegret · 2020-10-10T12:57:25+00:00

FaceTime/zoom calls pre-date are fds. Coffee dates are not.

fim_de_semana · 2020-10-10T16:18:12+00:00

I’m an unemployed starving artist and I wouldn’t go on a coffee date. It’s literally the laziest thing out there.

Kimpractical · 2020-10-10T16:34:51+00:00

See how the video call goes. If he is who he says he is, and you feel like there’s possibility for a connection, then you should feel comfortable with a dinner date. If you’re still a little uneasy and think a coffee date is more suitable, then he’s probably not worth going out with. Trust your gut

AppropriateHoney6 · 2020-10-10T13:47:34+00:00

I would not suggest coffee dates only because they are cheap and low effort on part of the man and a waste of your time and efforts. A guy is not breaking the bank to take you out (trust me) so don’t feel bad about his wasted money if you walk out in the date or leave early from said restaurant. If you set the standards high from day one, they respect you more. You are an amazing woman ! Act this way!

veruscka · 2020-10-10T14:24:58+00:00

I think a pre-date FaceTime screener is a great idea and I honestly don’t know why everyone on OLD doesn’t do this. If he seems great you should go to a restaurant though, not coffee.

kettleodumplins · 2020-10-10T15:33:57+00:00

I would stick to a short video call if anything at all, but only after he has proposed, planned, and detailed the time and place for the first date. If you find yourself wasting a lot of time (a) texting back and forth before the first date or (b) going on a lot of lazy dates with low effort or slobby men, then I would start a root cause analysis: is the problem really that you are having issues scheduling high effort first dates with potential HVM, or are you missing red flags earlier in the process that should have you weeding out & blocking LVM before you even consider a first date? Are you being assertive early on with your boundaries and standards for a partner without giving him a roadmap of what you want?

It'a an interesting question, as you are the one that would be proposing the coffee date or video call and not him. The risk here is that this would set the tone wrong for future dates and so it would really depend on the circumstances. Your context makes this more applicable as you are advanced in your career and perhaps near base (LVM central, in my experience).

If he has already proposed a date (with a day and a time) and you suggest a short video call with a specific intent to ensure that he is who he has said, then I don't think that this violates FDS. One can make the argument that you could do the same with a short coffee date and not fundamentally violate FDS; again, this is one proposed by YOU after and only after he has planned and set the date for your first actual date. I would highly recommend against this though: you are risking a LOT more in terms of tone setting with an in-person vetting because many men will take this as a low effort, mutual risk mitigation (with the #1 risk being their first date time & monetary loss).

Edited for BLUF & since the first version sounded like I was a proponent of the coffee date. I am not.

Title	The Coffee Date Sidestep
Author	longhorn102083
Upvotes	49
Comments	13
Date	October 10, 2020 12:21 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j8jjii/the_coffee_date_sidestep/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-coffee-date-sidestep.321939 https://theredarchive.com/post/321939

Comments