Self Loathing

firstpitchthrow · 2015-05-07T05:33:07+00:00

I want to say something here, because I've been there a lot of times in my life. First thing I'll say, your therapist was full of shit, and I think you should not see him again. Your guy is like the guy who complained that he wasn't getting laid by his wife enough and the "marriage counselor" asked him "have you thought about not wanting sex anymore?"

Here's my own life experience and logic. Every emotion you feel (and depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain, not an emotion. There's a difference between the two) has been hard-wired into your mind by evolution because it increases your odds of survival. If it didn't, evolution would have discarded that emotion long ago. Self loathing is the same as fear, if you know how to use it. Fear is not a pleasant emotion, but fear is unbelieveably useful, because fear keeps us out of potential dangerous situations and allows us to live long enough to pro-create. If there was no such advantage to loathing one-self, evolution would have gotten rid of it.

Your therapist had the same problem that everyone in the psychiatry field does, and why the field is a joke. He wouldn't tell you what you needed to hear, because if he did, he feared he would lose your business. He had to tell you something that's safe, not what can improve your life. You hate yourself? Don't try to control it, answer just one question:

What are you going to do about it?

That's the only question that's relevant. Your therapist will never ask you that. You could have kept going to the guy and had him tell you that you needed to manage and control your feelings, or, you can go out and do something that will help you stop feeling that way. Self-loathing is your mind's signal to itself that something about your life is making you unhappy, so you need to find what that something is and conquer it.

Your grades not doing as well as you like? Study more, sleep better, focus on school, get help, as questions of your teacher, organize study groups. No reward without effort.

Look, I understand such things. Junior year, at Cal Berkeley, I had three midterms in succession, two on a Thursday afternoon, and one on a Thursday night, all were STEM exams (three exams, same day). The Sunday before the exams, a friend of mine called and told me my best friend passed away and the funeral was on Thursday night (the same time as my test). I went to the professor, asked to reschedule the exam for Wednesday afternoon. Took the test on Wednesday afternoon, took the two Thursday exams and then, hopped on a train for home and made it in the door just as the funeral was starting. I did great on one exam, okay on another and bombed the last one. A week later, the professor whose exam I had failed completely and I were sitting in his office and he asked me "you do know that bereavement is a perfectly good reason to post-pone an exam, right?" Never had occurred to me. No matter what life throws at you, you get things done. No excuses.

As my time wore on at Cal, and I struggled academically, I found my focus drifting. I pushed through it and stayed on track. My time at Cal was a miserable experience, and I was deeply unhappy, but I graduated and that's what matters. I went through a lot of self-loathing in those years, and I also managed to use the emotion for the purpose nature designed it: to remind myself that I was not performing to my standards and that it was time to do so. I was not going to leave without a degree, so I did what I had to and put in the time that I had to.

Grades are just one example. Just last night, some friends of mine and I went to a party and there was this really hot chick there. I tried to talk to her, and got shot down. She's not the kind of girl I'd want to date anyway, but I'd at least like to talk to her. Unfortunately, two of my friends are higher SMV than I am and they got her attention. I really have a lot of obvious SMV kinks. I'm a kidney transplant patient who suffers from hearing loss. Dating is an uphill battle, due to those two factors about myself over which I have no control. So, I control the factors that are under my power to change. A year ago, I underwent surgery for the transplant. Today, I feel better than I did when I was 22. Excercising, getting stronger, watching my diet in ways that I just couldn't when I was on dialysis, and getting off the medicine. Soon, I will have added enough strength to get my time at the gym each week up from what it is.

The problem though is that it takes time, effort and patience to fix what is causing you to hate yourself. Time and patience are things that are seldom mentioned in this context, but they are important. Radical change of lifestyle or habit is unlikely to produce long term, sustainable results. Your body and your life have a certain inertia, putting too much too soon will break the system. You have to change, slowly, over time, but you have to change. Baby steps. Learn something new each day, do something that's physical each day. Then build from there. Always keep on hating yourself, push yourself to do better. If you accept who you are, and your ever satisfied, that is the point where you stop growing, and where other people start passing you. Don't ever lose your self-loathing, its there to prod you to grow, its there to tell you the uncomfortable truth that other people won't tell you: you don't like who you are. What are you going to do about it?

Rhunta · 2015-05-07T06:37:03+00:00

The hating your self is what motivates me. You are not happy with yourself, means to me that I HAVE TO IMPROVE.

You need to have a love/hate relationship with yourself.

In one way you should unconditionally love yourself, because you are the only person who you will live your whole life with.

And in another way hate yourself, because you are not on your max potential. This is hate is needed, because else you wouldn't want to reach the ultimate you.

benittybop · Thu May 7 0:43:16 2015 UTC

Having a good male role model is really important.

I've bookmarked /r/getmotivated and visit from time to time and some of the things posted there are really worth taking to heart.

Nubsly- · 2015-05-07T11:45:07+00:00

Sounds like you should start meditating. It's great for calming the mind and increasing self esteem and confidence.

Edit: That's not to say you shouldn't also find someone (Professional, other TRPers, friends) who can actually relate to your exact situation. But it does sound like the person you were seeing wasn't a good match for you.

oldredder · 2015-05-07T04:01:13+00:00

Never ever felt it: I could hate life, or I could hate people who are a problem, but when I can shift where in life & the world I am, things aren't so bad. Nowhere is perfect but generally loathing is something I can only feel for others, due primarily to what they do, primarily if it concerns me directly.

oldSoul12345 · 2015-05-07T09:57:28+00:00

This will probably get buried..here's my 2 cents. Self-hatred and self-love are two balancing elements.Instead of trying to reduce self-loathing,it's easier to increase self-love. One good way is to list the positives about yourself,the things you are grateful about and re-visit them first things every morning.

Also, lift,sleep and eat well.

awakenedmale · 2015-05-07T15:59:13+00:00

Self loathing can be healthy.

I am full of self loathing these days as I recall the myriad ways in which I allowed my stbx wife to use me.

It keeps me angry at myself, and hopefully will keep me from ever making this mistake again in my life.

Hold on to your pain. It helps define you.

[deleted] · 2015-05-07T19:50:55+00:00

Let see. I suffered from serious self hate to the point where I would punish myself by doing things which I hated most about myself. Things including eating like a whale, dressing stupidly and just hating every inch of my being. I was at a point where I wouldnt look in the mirror while brushing my teeth. What changed then? nothing really. I decided on changing the punishment. My fat body doesnt like running? Fuck ill make it run in the gym. Seriously. I have dropped 6kgs in under two months and this is just cardio. I will start weight training from next month. Thats how I use my self loathing to my favor. With time it has actually reduced significantly but I do have my rage moments.

OKJaded · 2015-05-08T01:40:03+00:00

Self loathing can be a powerful tool if used correctly.

Self hatred is what helped me become a man long before I ever found TRP. Mid-Twenties, discovered the luuuuuv of my life had been cheating on me. She didn't know I had found out. She came over to my house unannounced (she had a set of my keys). When I saw her I just kind of broke down. Started weeping. She asked what was wrong. I didn't even have the balls to call her on it. I asked her, and let her lie to my face.

I hated myself for crying like a baby. I hated myself for not having the balls to call her on it. I hated myself for being stupid enough to trust her. (none of my friends did) I hated myself for 'not being enough for her'

That day fueled a self-hatred fire in me. I stayed with her. Dreaming of some grandiose revenge. I wanted to feel pain. Rather than cut myself, or some other self destructive behavior, I became a beast. My workouts had never been so intense. Experts might say I was over training. Whatever. I was working out and running 3-5 miles a day, every day. I only ate fresh, self cooked meals.

When I tried to skip a workout. I hated myself for being weak. I would force myself to go. When I tried to cheat on my meal plan. I hated myself for being weak willed. I ate clean. When we had sex, I no longer made love. I hate fucked. I didn't even want to have sex with her. On my part it was duty sex.

I was already a pretty fit dude. 4 Months of this turned me into an Adonis. People treated me with more respect. Women pursued me. I wasn't accepting anything but perfection from myself. One morning my GF pulled more of her psychological manipulation tactics on me. Usually this would cause me to attempt to win back her affection. I just said fuck it. Not worth my time. Usually she would be getting multiple texts from me. Nope. Not that day. When I was at lunch I ran into a very attractive young lady. Asked her if she wanted to grab sushi that night. She said sure. We went to dinner. Had a great time. Went to drinks. Had a great time. The whole night my GF was blowing up my phone. Point of interest, I had never failed to pick up before. (This all lead to a pretty epic growing of balls, and breaking up on my part). I finally hated myself for letting anyone treat me like that.

I hate shamed myself to become a perfectionist. Managed incorrectly it could have been pretty dangerous. Rather than hate eat myself to 600 pounds I hate made-my-self-better. I kinda miss that self hatred. I was more disciplined with pure hatred. Hatred makes it hard to be content.

Heraclitus94 · 2015-05-07T01:27:56+00:00

Are you me?

Seriously though, I'm with you bro. I've had a shit semester this year in college and had to late drop all my classes and have to retake them all again just year. Some days I feel like I wish someone could just kick my ass too in order to get me out of this funk. I feel lost and alone, no friends and all my dreams and hopes shattered by my low self esteem.

I don't know what to tell you, but someday it'll all be a distant memory.

Title	Self Loathing
Author	Dr_Van_Nosstrand
Upvotes	26
Comments	16
Date	May 7, 2015 12:21 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/354cs2/self_loathing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/self-loathing.32274 https://theredarchive.com/post/32274

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