Idk what to say other than I am eternally screaming over my past.

I dated a college drop out for 5 years who was waiting for me to finish school and then put a ring on it. I thought, yeah that's a good idea. He was a college drop out but got a good paying tech job and doing very well for himself. I told my mother I was we were waiting till I finish. We got talking about it today and she was like "you lied to me. You made it seem like it was YOUR IDEA TO WAIT." It was and it wasn't. It was his and it made sense to me. She was like "If I had known I would have told you to drop his college drop out ass A LONG TIME AGO."

I'm just boiling. At everything. Back in highschool I would date guys just to get my mother off my case about not having a boyfriend. It's been so long now that I don't even remember the story straight. I could have made it seem like it was my idea "to save peace" so I can keep a boyfriend. I think i ignored red flags for the sake of "keeping a boyfriend." All for this guy to use me as a beard. Apparently it wasn't like that from the get go- only the last couple of years or some shit. Idk. But like...

I want to just explode. This is what I get for putting a man before myself. This is what I get for listening to others or being worried about others opinions or avoiding conflict "for peace" only for it to all blow up in my face.

I want to vomit because I am not happy with my life. It not going how I wanted it. Like I made career decisions based on that relationships and I want to fucking cringe and set myself on fire.

I had to see therapy because I was doing bad in school and I was doing bad in school because my mental health was going down the drain and I had NO ONE TO TALK TO because I can't say anything to my family because "what do you have to be stressed about? You're young."

My family is pushing me to find a good man and get married to have kids because I'm "getting old." I'll be 28 tomorrow. My ex is making $60k a year and I'm over here JUST FINALLY finishing my B.S.

Ladies I feel like a failure and a severe fuck up. But know what? You can't change the past. It's over and what is done is done. Take it as a lesson learn.

I just reapplied for therapy to talk this shit out and forgive myself.

Tl;dr I want to scream because I hate the decisions I made in the past. I am going to therapy to help myself navigate through my seething anger. Idk where I would be without this sub.

That is all.