Edit: Thanks to all who contributed. Your entries are included below. To the uninitiated, this translation guide will help as you navigate your way through the maze of modern THOTtery.

Enjoy!

“Made some mistakes” = Slept with a lot of random guys in college. The ones I regret were the mistakes. The rest were "finding myself" (see below).

“Fell Pregnant” = Deliberately had unprotected sex while ovulating.

“Find(ing) Myself” = Engage in promiscuity (traveling optional).

“Strong Independent Woman” = Mandatory statement. My female friends are reading this.

“My kid(s) is/are my world” = I want to sound morally correct after fucking up my entire life. My kids are the only weapon I have.

“Tired of Players” = Tired of players, but cannot resist them either.

“No Hookups” = I will most definitely hook up with the right man. Again. And again.

“Serious” = These bills ain’t gonna pay themselves boys!

“Swipe Left If…” = I don’t want to keep sounding like a total slut. But you know the dilly (wink)

“Looking for a good man” = I am desperately grasping at the last threads of my childhood Disney dreams of finding Alpha Bucks. Please be him!

“Don’t waste my time if… / Got not time for…” = I have had way too much time on my hands, and for years I have wasted it on…

“Let’s see what happens” = I need money, and you know I am going to take it from you, but there is that tiny little chance that I COULD be the girl of your dreams. So, let’s roll those dice big boy!

“I know my worth” = I have a vagina. DUH!

“If you’re not 6ft tall….” = My girlfriends made me write this. If you are not 6 ft tall but have a big dick, then I am Def DTF.

“Ready to settle down” = It’s getting real REEEAAL scary out here. It’s like I hit some invisible wall or something and now men don’t even LOOK in my direction anymore. The other day, some good looking 25 year old guy called me “miss”. FML!

“Done with games” = I think I finally realized that I attracted LOTs of men, but I always chose the bad boys. And they call them BAD boys because they are bad and they lie and play games. I like the sex, but I don’t like the games. Or the lies. Just the sex. And I want babies and money.

“Don’t judge…” = Everyone judges me, and I am sick of it. I want my horrible life choices to be accepted by everyone - especially the man who is going to have to deal with the consequences!

“I prefer…” = Look. I know this is all one big joke. I know I am a washed up, used up, busted up shell of a woman. I also know that my junk looks like a week old roast beef wrap, and I have swallowed more white goop than the entire Hellman’s quality control team. But I am delusional and living in a fantasy world created by Cosmo, and fueled by Thought Catalog lists and red wine. LOTS of red wine. So, since we’re fantasizing, I wish that…

“Have tattoos/Tatted” = Have daddy issues/hate myself on the inside, so might as well match the outside.

“Smoke occasionally” = Smoke whenever the hell I feel like it. Oh, I also like casual sex.

“If you can’t accept me at my worst, then you do not deserve me….” = I look nothing like Marilyn Monroe. But in my delusional mind, because guys hit on me sometimes, I really think I am THAT hot. So prepare for some toxicity in your life – and maybe you’ll get some sex.

“Tired of drama” = Prepare for some drama

“You have to work for this” = I know I am fat and/or ugly, and this is what I say to make myself feel not so bad on the inside. In my dreams, a man comes along and works to gain my trust and respect. In real life I get treated like the village bicycle in Shenzhen.

“Dark Humor is my thing/I speak fluent sarcasm” = Look, I am not that smart. I am just throwing quotes out there because I need to complete this damn profile. I need to get laid. Okay? There. Are you happy now?

“Not looking for a daddy for my kids” = I am looking for a daddy for my kids.

“I won’t settle” = If you are Chad, I will settle for a night. If you look like Shrek, but have a large bank account, I will most definitely settle. I will cheat on you, but I WILL settle.

“Outgoing/like adventures/love to travel” = I cannot afford those things, and I wasted my youth on frivolity, but I don’t want to die without some IG material to show those dumb b!tches at work that I still got it!

“Looking for a nice guy” = Looking for someone I can control with sex.

“If you don’t like kids, swipe left” = I know. I am screwed ok. I know most men will just swipe left anyway, so the best thing I can do is hope to poke the provider instinct button in the few “nice” guys who might take the bait. Most nice guys like babies, so maybe they won’t notice what I did there.

“Don’t hit me up if…” = If you have any sense of self worth, do not hit me up at all.

“Controlling” = My Alpha ex refused to tolerate my BS

“Insecure” = My Beta ex refused to tolerate my BS

"Abusive" = Communicative. (as in "My ex was abusive/communicative with me about his problems with ME (lack of commitment, breaking his trust, etc) and I didn't need THAT sort of abuse/communication.")

“Was abused” = I deliberately tried to make my ex jealous by flirting with other men, and he got up in my face about it.

"Entrepreneur" = I am a hairstylist or Multilevel Marketing sucker . Related: "Business owner" = my kids have only eaten cereal for the last three months because I spend 15k on Lululemon leggings and can't sell them.

"My past doesn't/shouldn't matter" = Ron Jeremy himself would be appalled at how much fucking and sucking I've done. Oh, and handjobs don't count, tee-hee!

“It Just Happened” = I was just standing there minding my own business, and all of a sudden, this really good looking guy just sauntered up to me and stuck his dick into my pussy!

"Let's start as friends/take it slow at first" = I am hoping you are naive or desperate enough to provide commitment without me reciprocating.

"Don't judge" = "I do the judging, not you."

"Love to Travel / Want to travel" = 1. I don't want to work to be an independent woman and expect a man to pay for my lavish trips. 2. I like to go to different cities/countries to bounce on as many random dicks as possible since they don't count toward my total n-count.

Sapiosexual = I like sex with Chad but I am going to make a normal guy work for it and when I am convinced that he has worked enough then I might provide starfish sex for 10 minutes. (usually right after Chad has dropped a load in me so I can baby trap Billy).

"My pics are current" = I can lie with a straight face

"Prove to me that Chivalry is not dead" = I want to be spoiled and pampered and treated like a Lady in Waiting even though I act nothing like a lady and lost my virginity 25 years and 225 cocks ago.

"Foody" = I can't fucking cook. Don't ask me to cook for you. Don't expect me to cook for you. Don't even think about my kitchen being used for meal prep. My oven is solely used to store pots and pans that still have the store price stickers on them. YOU will be paying for fancy fucking meals at as many trendy (read expensive) restaurants that I can find.

"Looking for Something Real" = I am pumped and dumped with more regularity than my period

"Sick of online dating apps" = Why do unattractive men even bother contacting me?

"Looking for the Spark" = I only get wet for tall fit handsome charismatic bad boys

"Dated" = fucked, slept with, hooked up with. Related: "Had fun" = fucked, hooked up

“We're talking to each other” = we are texting back and forth to see if I think he is fuck-worthy

“Abusive” = he did and/or said things I did not like.

“Just Friends” = Potential, current or past Sex Partners