My boyfriend is full of contempt for me but won't end the relationship. I'm stuck anxiously waiting for the break up.

Tight-Diamond · 2020-03-10T22:44:51+00:00

What's stopping you from ending it yourself? He sounds unstable and inconsistent.

cinnamon103 · 2020-03-11T08:24:25+00:00

Show him how you want to be respected and where your boundaries are by breaking up. Then, work in your self-confidence.

2020-03-10T23:43:09+00:00

He said last week after i failed to order something online for him "You have no personality. At the very least, I need a helper, but I don't even get that. I feel trapped. I deserve better."

Wow. You deserve better. A rabid dog deserves better. Go find it. Plenty of men would love a sweet, soft spoken woman and I say that as someone who is neither of those things.

WildTenderness · 2020-03-11T02:14:45+00:00

Please end this relationship!! Nobody should be treating you like that. But it also sounds like you have some serious self development to go through. Constantly being in relationships can sometimes cause you to lose yourself, and you owe it to yourself to fix that.

Once you end the relationship, take some time to try new things and find hobbies and interests. Use these to help build yourself up and recover from the relationship. You've wasted way too much time on a man who snaps are you for such insignificant mistakes.

Nun mode!!

AriesAsF · 2020-03-11T11:40:40+00:00

The boyfriend enjoys having a punching bag. The poster obviously enjoys being one. One person has a superiority complex, while the other suffers from an inferiority complex. Sounds like a match made in hell. I predict neither of you will ever break up with the other because of how well your brokenness fits.

2020-03-11T00:07:19+00:00

And you can't end the relationship yourself because....??? Sorry, but this seems like an easy fix and you're just refusing to do what's necessary.

2020-03-11T04:17:10+00:00

I think ultimately his outbursts are a large red flag that he could become an abuser down the road. At this point it's pretty mild but he is starting down that pattern of behavior - commit abuse, apologize profusely and do whatever he can to butter you up, get bothered again and escalate, repeat. I would definitely get out now. That being said if or when you break up, he will likely double down on being sweet, doting, etc to win you back and that is very much part of abuser behavior patterns. It's important to stay strong and not fall for it. It's not genuine and it won't stick.

Danibani13 · 2020-03-11T03:33:21+00:00

Wow. You sound like a doormat and have no respect for yourself, which is not attractive & definitely not RPW. He can do better. So can you. You need some self love and work ASAP. Please end this relationship. You’re making the both of you miserable.

GlitteringSherbet8 · 2020-03-11T00:16:34+00:00

You’re not gross, you have normal bodily functions.

You are not stupid and that is not a constructive criticism. You made a fairly simple mistake (accidentally spit on him while laughing) that is so common it could be a Seinfeld skit. I’m guessing you probably kiss your bf too so his reaction isn’t reasonable given that you could easily pass it on to each other anyway.

You do have a personality (everyone does), again this is not constructive criticism, just belittling and untrue.

Saying he deserves better is also belittling and he sounds entitled.

Try and find some support outside this relationship if you can’t trust your own opinion of yourself.

szsunshine · 2020-03-11T14:44:12+00:00

He said last week after i failed to order something online for him "You have no personality. At the very least, I need a helper, but I don't even get that.

It is not your job to be his "helper" until you are married. That goes for the laundry, too. Those are WIFE duties.

What about HIS job to protect and provide for you? He is not protecting you or your feelings, and he is not providing for you. Even if you spend a lot of time in his apt., you are not under any obligation to clean it, buy groceries, etc. He presumably is a big boy and is able to pay for his own standard of living (groceries, rent, utilities). You should assume you are at his place because he enjoys your company, and YOU are doing HIM a favor by being there.

I don't have a secure sense of self so it's difficult for me to address the contempt and hostility when it comes up. I already know that the relationship is on life support,

How could you possibly have a secure sense of self when you are with a partner who complains about you, criticizes, and insults you? You say yourself that he has contempt for you - don't you think you deserve better?

PLEASE end this relationship. DO NOT wait for him to do it. You will only be wasting your own time. He probably keeps you around for steady sex and laundry services. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER! Do not waste your time on "couples" counseling. That is for people who are married and want to give the relationship their best shot before they upset the lives of their children. If you go to counseling, work on yourself, your attachment issues, and learn to spot red flags so that you can avoid losers like this one.

This man is so terrible. How would you feel if someone talked to your best friend the way he talks to you? How would you feel if he talked to a pet the way he talks to you? How would you feel if he treated children you had together the way he treated you? Please do the world a favor and break up with him before he has a chance to reproduce.

HB3234 · 2020-03-12T00:11:45+00:00

Go the the couples counseling, so that it will have more weight when a professional tells you to RUN!

Criticism is NOT part of a healthy relationship. Healthy partners may ask each other to change a behavior ("I need you to be more mindful of your to do list. It frustrates me when you don't order something when you said you would"). Healthy partners don't criticize or say hurtful things in response to a behavior they don't like ("you have no personality").

You clearly have very weak boundaries and low self respect. I am sorry you're struggling with thes issues. They can be really tough. A bad partner makes them harder to fix instead of easier. Therapy, getting some hobbies, and cultivating a social life with female friends is going to be really important to move forward in a healthy way. I think all of these need to happen before you try to date again.

chibinuts · 2020-03-14T15:32:11+00:00

I presume you are afraid to end it because you're attached to him and are afraid of being alone. I sympathize. It will only get worse though. And it'll hurt WAY more if he's the one to leave you. So leave with quickly, abruptly, and with dignity.

I would: Have a loved one text him that it's over (if you can't) then block on all social media and delete all pictures/memories. Tell my family and friends I'm taking some time for myself. Change my phone number so he can't reach me. Go on vacation for a week so I'm not tempted to go see him at the height of my emotions and so I can focus on getting out the grief and learning the lessons. Then I'd return and pretend he never existed.

LateralThinker13 · 2020-03-11T17:41:39+00:00

I was throwing a bunch of red flags. I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, clingy, no hobbies or interests outside the the relationship. I'm still like this to a degree today.

If you haven't fully fixed this, you should not be dating. You'll just bring these problems to the next relationship, and any man worth keeping will pick up on them and drop you.

Now on to your current man.

I don't "officially" live with him, but I stay at his apartment most of the time.

So... clingy and always around, despite not living together. Gotcha.

I struggle with asserting myself and showing my personality.

What I'm hearing is that you are a pushover, quiet, uninteresting, and have no "rich inner life" (that we know of).

Lately he's been obviously dissatisfied with me to the point

Could this be because he thought you had more potential than you actually do? Because of your uncorrected red flags?

He said last week after i failed to order something online for him "You have no personality. At the very least, I need a helper, but I don't even get that. I feel trapped. I deserve better."

You already admit you really don't have much personality. And if you failed to do something you said you'd do... well, is anything he said actually wrong? Harsh, maybe, but wrong?

I was so stunned I couldn't respond properly at the time.

Why? As you have said yourself:

I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, clingy, no hobbies or interests outside the the relationship. I'm still like this to a degree today.

I was expecting him to end the relationship since he essentially gave me a break up speech, but he HASN'T.

Okay, yeah, that's weird. I feel like we're missing something. That, or he's a bit manic-depressive.

I laughed and accidentally spit in his eye. he said "You're gross. You WOULD give me caronavirus with all the stupid shit you do." He then apologized and said that it was abrasive of him.

So... he IS self-aware and capable of apology. Good to know.

I don't have a secure sense of self so it's difficult for me to address the contempt and hostility when it comes up.

It's hard to respect someone who is insecure, unreliable, and shallow. When you remind him (or anybody) of these traits, they're not going to throw a parade for you; they're going to call you out on them, because they're FIXABLE. And what's more, you are both AWARE you have them AND have supposedly been working on them. So when you demonstrate them, you are BACKSLIDING.

This is why you get scoldings when you are caught backsliding.

I can't fathom why he isn't ending it already

Because men who aren't RP don't have an abundance mentality. They tend to stay with even crappy women because they don't realize consciously and consistently that THEY deserve better, and that they can get it. They take crap because they don't want to be alone if they don't have to be.

You have a lot of work to do. I can't tell you if this guy is worth keeping. But until you work on yourself, your relationship will never be stable, because a relationship is only as stable as its participants.

Title	My boyfriend is full of contempt for me but won't end the relationship. I'm stuck anxiously waiting for the break up.
Author	datqtanon
Upvotes	11
Comments	18
Date	March 10, 2020 10:04 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/fgm178/my_boyfriend_is_full_of_contempt_for_me_but_wont/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-boyfriend-is-full-of-contempt-for-me-but-wont.354678 https://theredarchive.com/post/354678

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