TLDR; was waiting for marriage and then was raped

Feel guilty for my husband not being my first partner

I was always waiting for marriage to lose my virginity. At 24, sadly, I was raped by an ex and my virginity was taken from me. I’m in therapy and I’ve just started but I struggle with it a lot.

At 26 I met the one for me. I am 28 now and I am getting married ( tomorrow ) and although I’m excited there is a hole in my heart and I feel guilty. After my rape I slept with a colleague casually and I feel guilty for these even, that this other man knows me in a way only my husband should. I think the close proximity of all of the events hurts me too- meeting the one not long later. I recognise these are toxic views, I was brought up with the a view that women must wait for their husbands. Although I am beginning to recognise that the rape wasn’t my fault I still feel bad about the consensual sex I had with my colleague after. As if I disrespected my fiancé before even meeting him. It’s odd because I don’t regret sleeping with the colleague - I recognise it’s what I needed at the time but I still feel weird. I feel jealous of everyone who’s wish to wait for marriage worked out, I’m envious of women who got to choose and have a special first time and I’m envious of women who are still virgins. Thanks for listening.. I know it’s not gods fault but sometimes I wonder why, why he alllwed this to happen to me when he knew how important it was for me.

I feel so guilty that I couldn’t share that first time gift with my lovely man. I wish I could stop it bothering me literally daily. He knows how I feel but doesn’t wish to discuss it too much. I replay that night over and over again thinking how silly I was to get so drunk, how I could’ve avoided it happening to me, how happy my fiancé would’ve been had I been a virgin when we met. I’m considered as above average in looks.

I’m in a lot of pain and I doubt I’ll ever truly be happy again because I feel like I’m less valuable.