Outgrowing close friends

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March 22, 2020
61 upvotes

I have a couple of close friends from different social circles, and I’ve been noticing that I’m outgrowing them. They still make the same jokes that were funny years ago but are immature now. Some of them are not as driven as I am in life and have totally different goals. I hear you become the average of the closest 5 people you see the most.

I have no desire to continue hanging out with these groups of people, but it’s weird cutting off the main people I’ve known for several years. Grew up with some of these people. They’re pretty much my only friends.

Anyone go through something similar? I’m planning on moving to a new city this year so I guess that’ll help reduce contact naturally.


Post Information
Title Outgrowing close friends
Author SteroidSquarePants
Upvotes 61
Comments 31
Date 22 March 2020 11:13 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/356575
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/fn9d07/outgrowing_close_friends/
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[–]jagdecat36 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're probably young <25 and won't see the value of years of friendship until after you cross into the late 30's / 40's and even if you're not close now, you will need them again in another decade or so.

It's not easy making friends after you graduate and those high school and college buddies are the ones who'll always know "You", the real "You".... and they're the only ones who know you at your worst and still stuck around.

Once you hit the adult life and especially as you improve in looks and income, you'll attract hanger-ons, sycophants and users and only a few genuine people who will ever care about you. Then you'll be grateful for that one phone call a year where you can laugh carefree over some joke from 20 years ago.

TLDR: Keep them around even if it's a phone call once a year.

[–]FriendlyNormie15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

Happening to me

[–]southflsup11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Same thing here bro. Friends since childhood but we just have completely different goals in life. It’s best to just let it come to its natural end.

[–]Youngyoda8916 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy

I found something funny about this subject. I’m 29 years old. I had a close circle of friends that I had known since 13. I got into a 7 year relationship at age 22. Over time. I lost all my friends. I tried rekindling my relationships but my ex friends had low interest.

I used to be so annoyed by young goofball guys and avoided association with them at all costs. This year I’ve landed a job that’s put me into a powerful Position. I’ve met some guys in the 19-21 range. I still wanna party like I’m 22. These young men are all mentally inferior to me and are all willing to accept my leadership.

I realized, not only can I replace any woman I want, the same goes with men. And honestly my new friends are way better and not to mention they have hella plugs.

[–]3chazthundergut4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

  1. Yes, it is possible to make new friends.

  2. No, "not only can I replace any woman I want, the same goes with men" ... this is not true. A genuine friendship of mutual love and respect with a quality man is worth more than gold. It is not something that can be replaced with the snap of your fingers, nor should it be tossed aside lightly.

[–]psychoduckly2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This. I'm 63. When I was 55 I started a new job. Made some new bro friends aged from 25 to 40. Good friends, too. It's all 1. Mutuality of interests and 2. Not being a dipshit.

[–]BRUTE1967 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah mate same thing. I ended up moving a few hours away for work and haven’t spoken to them since. Making friends is a bit hard since I work 60 hour weeks and bumble BFF is a shit show

[–]redvelvet_oreo3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

When I was in High School I grew close with a big click of people. We hung out day in and day out for 4 years straight. I was one of the few who planned to go to college. Towards the end of the last year of high school I knew these people would only bring me down. Once HS was over and we had one last party I cut them off cold turkey. Stopped answering phone calls and communication all together. I started college and formed a new social circle.

I bumped into some of them over the years and exchanged some laughs but that was it. Fast Forward to social media world we are all connected online. ALL of those people are exactly where I thought they would end up. Shit jobs, multiple kids, barley making ends meet. Not one of them did anything with their lives. It was shocking when I put it all together but at the same time it validated that I made the right decision 15 years ago. Dont feel bad about doing it.

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy

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[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy

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[–]hawaiianboomerang0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

buddy how u plan on living in NYC? so expensive 2100 for rent? or u gonna get a room in Williamsburg Bk?

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy

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[–]kayeT160 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Just chiming in as an outsider here, check out Queens!! If you don't feel a huge need to foot the bill for an apartment in a more "trendy" area, I know for a fact you'll still be able to find some cheaper places in a place like Jamaica, Queens.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It definitely happens. Though I’ve managed to stay friends with many people you describe I just don’t feel so emotionally attached to them. Loneliness can be a bitch though so it’s best not to completely cut people out unless they’re really toxic.

[–]theUnBannableHulk1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great video about this OP

https://youtu.be/gP48fohKZps

Also, don’t surround yourself with losers.

[–]PostAndDelete1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I mean you don’t have to cut them off completely that’ll just rub off the wrong way, just keep em as friends on social media or keep their numbers for the future if you want to have a laugh, jeez you are human not a robot. Friends come and go, Good friends are hard to come by.

[–]Freakshow270 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How old are you and how long have you known these guys?

[–]matisseman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I wouldn't burn any bridges, and if you really care about certain ones try to communicate the issue in a productive way to them. "Hey, I really value our friendship, but when you say XYZ it feels a little immature. I'm working on myself and really focusing my time and energy these days - maybe we can both grow the hell up together. You down?" Watch if their behavior changes at all, if it does, positively reenforce and repeat. Takes time and energy but you decide who's worth that in the end.

[–]andrew_little10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This has been talked about many of times. Crab bucket theory will end up applying to you. Go ahead and cut more contact and find new friends with the “new you”. I wouldn’t burn any bridges, from a power standpoint.

[–]MrSpearmint0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You should always be meeting new people. Always. To do this, you gotta put yourself in situations where you can meet these new people. Grad school, volunteering, tennis clubs.. I am sure you already know this part.

So what I would do if I were you is to build few different friend groups. That way you can hang out with group A on monday, on Wednesday you can meet with Mark from group B, on saturday you meet with your group C friends etc.. this way you can have a rich social life and don’t get bored with anybody. my advice to you would be is not to cut your old friends. Just hang out with them less ( say once in every two weeks or once in a month), you don’t know, they might also mature, they might get into positions of power where you might get benefits from them( this is a side thing, never let it be your main focus), they might introduce you to a new girl, they might sign up for something you would enjoy and incite you along with them etc.. Never cut anybody from your life unless they have done you a big wrong.

[–]c0mrade340 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I too am planning to move to another city after this crisis is over where nobody knows me

[–]PrettyBarbiePerson0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You need to find better friends, don’t completely burn the bridge but start distancing yourself

[–]mr_Tobbor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Friends are friends for ever for the real man!

[–]fannyfire0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You don’t have to cut them off but you can lower the influence they have. I still talk to and see my friends of over ten years from high school. We talk nearly every day through whatsapp. I don’t spend much time with any of them because I got married and am not interested in the party life. I still see them and enjoy hanging out with them for infrequent get togethers or bro trips but for the most part I’m on my own.

[–]catsdontsmile0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I cut off all my friends from high school, looking back it was the best move I ever made and I regret it took so long.

[–]tloo220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Are your high society friends going to be around if/when you lose your money, job, status, and family? When you spiral deeper and deeper into depression? Possibly some... But others may just make a post about you on reddit that begins with:

I have a couple of friends from different social circles, and I've been noticing that I'm outgrowing them.

[–]AuberyBitoni0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Me and my best friend are falling apart too. I want to move to the big city, socialize and work towards my future. All he wants to do is play videogames, eat, drink alcohol and buy the house next to his parents' house, he's scared of stepping out of his comfort zone. He gained like 20kg fat as well.. Not taking care of himself.

I love him but we barely hang out anymore, haven't seen him in months, feels bad man.

[–]alphakari0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Are the same jokes immature, or are you just so disgusted by your past self that remnants of your past trigger you?

[–]Kidterrific0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Make new ones. Hang out with them more. Let the old ones go.

Branch swing.

[–]ObjectiveHunter0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

yeah channel that female hypergamous nature and look for higher quality friends haha

[–]TheRealYuno-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've had people who I considered my "best friend" at the time backstab me, whether it be trying to screw me over in the workforce or spread false rumors about me.

You just have to let people go. It truly sucks but you're only gonna hurt yourself if you continue being friends with them.



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