The Nuance of Intergender "Friendships"

Long time lurker, first time poster. I’ve been mulling over this subject for several weeks now and think I’m ready to put pen to paper, so to speak, to flesh out thoughts on this subject I’ve seen bounced around these forums from time to time. This post is aimed at men in LTRs who are troubled by their woman’s male “friends”, and are trying to discern whether or not it’s something to be concerned about. I look forward to reading your thoughts and experiences on this, and any suggestions about formatting are certainly welcome.

Before I get to the meat of the matter, I would recommend reading Rollo’s Intergender Friendship. After reading it several times, it’s occurred to me that many posters here don’t quite grasp the nuance of it. When guys post in askTRP wondering what he should do about his girl hanging out with other guys, I can't help but sigh when the armchair alfas chime in:

Tell her that your girlfriends don’t have male friends.

Know your woman

Firstly, don’t be in an LTR if you haven’t vetted her. You’re setting yourself up for failure if you’ve rushed into commitment without calibrating how trustworthy she is to begin with. So, let’s presume that green flags are aplenty, and things are “good” up to this point.

Example: My woman is a very social person, and is happier when being around people than being alone. On top of this, she is a sociologist, and gets her jollies learning about people’s lives, their choices, and behaviour patterns. When she tells me she’s grabbing coffee (she’s a total coffee snob) with a classmate she hasn’t seen in a while to catch up at her favourite coffee spot, it doesn’t phase me, because this is in her scope of normal behaviour. She will then later tell me all about it, and since I don’t drink coffee, I’ll pat her on the head and say “Well that must have been nice”.

I would have something to say if she and a man went to play laser tag together because A) she hates and sucks at laser tag, and B) if she’s doing something she doesn’t like, then that means she likes this guy enough to do something unpleasant with.

Know what she’s using him for

People use each other, that’s just how life is. Friendships are give and take, but I’d propose that with intergender “friendships” social capital is what keeps friendships afloat. I wouldn’t even say I have female friends, more like a pool of acquaintances that have resources I can draw upon, and vice versa.

Your LTR is going to be using this male friend for something, whether it’s validation, social connections, free drinks, or insemination. Get an idea of what that is.

Example: My woman is a marathon runner, and runs with a guy once a week who is much faster than she is. Running isn’t my thing, and I’m glad she has hobbies that keep her slim, so more power to them. She’s using him for training, and whether or not he wants to fuck her, I know where she stands in her relationship to him. She’s also referred to him as “small little thing” and “tiny man”, which further cements what I’ve concluded about his role. Guy who can run fast and help me get faster.

She still chooses you

Given the option to do something with you, or something with another male friend, she should always be choosing you. If I tell my woman (who is a fitness junkie) to clear her schedule Saturday afternoon because we’re going bouldering, and she declines because she’s going to go play pool with Jimmy the Orbiter, then I know I’ve got to lay down some boundaries. She might accuse me of not trusting her, at which point I would make it clear to her that this is an issue of respect, and the woman I’m with needs to be respectable, and this is not respectable behaviour.

Your LTR should always prefer to spend 1-on-1 time with you, than with another man. Plain and simple. It’s when she starts developing close and personal friendships with eligible men that you should be concerned.

Consider this excerpt from the link above:

For instance, I’ve been married for 15 years now; were I to entertain a deep friendship with another female (particularly an attractive female) other than my wife, my interest in this woman automatically becomes suspect of infidelity – and of course the same holds true for women with man-friends. This dynamic simply doesn’t exist for same sex friendships because the sexual aspect is inconsequential.

You don’t need to give your woman an interrogation every time she’s with friends. Just be rational about it, and consider all the variables. This isn’t to say laying down boundaries isn’t necessary, but don’t become the man that has a shut-in girlfriend because you feel threatened by everyone with a penis.

TLDR; women have male “friends” and orbiters. It’s normal. Know your woman well enough to know when you should be concerned.

EDIT: Comments have seemingly revolved around my own situation, and not the idea I intended for discussion, which is my fault. I shouldn't have included personal examples and not expected people to pick it apart. For those saying I'm being ignorant regarding what my SO is saying, I didn't provide much context around how, when, or why she says what she says. Given the complete picture, paying attention to what she does and not what she says, I'm not overly concerned with things happening behind my back. I'll leave the original post un-edited because what some of you are saying about her behaviour given the little detail I've provided, can be helpful to others. I simply want my fellow TRPers to stop living in constant paranoia, and live life through objective lenses.