Introduction

Not every field report has to be successful... so what can I learn?

I'm a long time reader of TRP, but still breaking free of blue-pill beta paradigms and lifestyles. I have a lot of old behaviors and thought patterns I'm trying to shake, but regardless of my set backs I always try to see what I can learn from failures and how they can lead me to further liberation.

This post is for guys like me who are still in the transition phase and need some paradigm and more abstract conceptual help.

The scenario

I take the train to summer classes in the morning and read books during my commute (currently on 48 Laws of Power). This morning a very attractive girl (9 or 10) sat down next to me and open up her own book. After a a minute or two of mustering up the balls, I made conversation with her, talking with her about her book, about my book, school, ect. Throughout the whole process I was extremely nervous, shaking, and even having a hard time speaking at times. Regardless I pushed onward and got her number before getting off the train.

On my walk to class from the train station I was ecstatic, on cloud 9, lots of overwhelming emotions stemming from my unconscious nice-guy beta side. I even had to go sit down and meditate for a few minutes before class because my mind was racing. This all of course demonstrates the nice-guy blue pill aspect of scarcity. My inner-child was thinking "Oh I finally got a hot girl!I'm the fucking shit! I'll get to fuck her and have fun with her this summer!" (It's been a pretty solitary summer so far). This was of course playing into blue-pill fantasy land, losing control and frame as my rationality and power slipped through my fingers as I let my unconscious side take over.

I did recognize that I was slipping to my not-so vestigial blue-pill side so I decided to wait until I got home to text her. When I got home I texted her this without a ton of consideration put into it. After a few minutes of paranoia following the text (it's been pretty rare for me to interact with girls recently so I don't have a high tolerance built up) I decided that what I texted was wrong and came from a nice-guy scarcity mindset. I realize I should have opened with something clearly demonstrating sexuality and interest like "I think you're really pretty and it was cool to talk to a good looking reader"... something along those lines.

I started to beat myself up over it, getting frustrated at my perceived loss and that we were going to fuck and I'll have a girl in my life and everything was going to be just perfect until I fucked it up with a text. Fuck that. I knew that way of thinking was wrong and I needed to shut my brain off. What better way to do that than meditation. So I lie down and begin meditating on the subject...

The Meditation

I recalled that on my walk to class and my walk home I couldn't stop thinking I was the shit, that I was the king of the world, that I had made a huge accomplishment and I was all of a sudden a red pill master. My ego had taken over and started collecting attachments. My consciousness was in scarcity mode and so it started visualizing things like me going on dates with the girl, fucking the girl, being something I'm not.

I then reached a breakthrough. I started saying to myself "I am nothing, I have nothing." Over and over again. I wanted to make it clear to my irrational unconscious side that I cannot let myself falter and start fantasizing and hording from scarcity. I then realized that sort of in a Buddhist kind of way, that the girl was just an illusion. She is really nothing. A lot of things that we attach our egos to and derive value from are really just nothing. Then I wanted to know what actually had value, if nothing has value, why is any of this worth it? Development of the self and inner growth, I determined.

I came to the conclusion that abundance is nothing. During the mediation I had to go through the painful process of letting go of this girl, fully accepting the condition that I won't have sex with her, have a relationship with her, or gain any material value or pleasure from her. I had to imagine myself, just my own ego and soul with absolutely nothing. And it was fucking liberating.

Conclusions

In this experience I started out with nothing, but I did gain something - insight and wisdom - which is what really matters. When I used to think of abundance to get myself in the mentality before approaching or interacting with girls, I would imagine myself as a powerful, strong man with lots of options of women and power. This now I realize is incorrect. That is a mindset of scarcity, imagining what is not real and simply illusions of the ego - childish desires. I now understand that abundance is nothing. Imagine yourself with nothing, and it's liberating. Let go of the girl, and it's liberating. Let go of the outcome, and only focus on how the situation can make you grow on the inside, and it's liberating.

After the meditation I immediately felt a difference. I felt liberated, actually abundant, and more grounded overall - back on my personal path and journey rather than chasing a woman (reminds me of The Alchemist.)

Through this process I ended up re-framing what abundance meant to me: being comfortable with nothing rather than comfort among things.

Thanks for reading, hope this can help some of you. I'm very happy that I can contribute to a community I care very deeply about.

Recommended reading: There's an older TRP post about this, but I couldn't find it. Here's what I found on google though: The Bowl is Already Broken.