I'm having a really bad time with my depression, so I spend most of my time in bed mindlessly scrolling through YouTube videos whenever I manage to stay awake for more than a handful of minutes. I ended up watching 90 Days Fiance, which, for me, represents possibly the worst of American media and reality shows.

You can watch the people I'm talking about here, it's not their complete episode (or however that show is structured), but it gives an idea of them. This is mostly written for fun, by the way.

So, let's start with the basics: Emily moved to Russia from the US immediately after getting her degree. She was expecting to have a fancy, probably inspired by some kind of movie where the bad guy is a fascinating Russian mob boss who has tigers and wears only Armani suits, life, and instead ended up living in the real world and discovered that Russia isn't all expensive liquors and billionaires who offer you diamond collars just because you're American.

Emily was in Russia for three years and never learnt a single word of Russian, not even its alphabet. To give you an idea, I didn't speak a single word of English until I was about 16/17, and at 19 I began going to college in the US. It's perfectly possible to learn a second language in the matter of two or three years, and Emily also lived there.

Feeling alone, Emily ends up buying the membership of a gym. There, she meets Sasha, the LVM. Sasha is a personal trainer who is married, but the two of them begin flirting and hit it off, and soon enough he's divorcing his wife to be with Emily. It turns out that this is Sasha's second divorce, because he first married Masha, with whom he had a son, and then married another girl that remained anonymous and with whom he had another son. At the beginning of the series, Emily is pregnant with Sasha's third kid.

At this point, in any normal woman's head there should be at least a good dozen red flags: Sasha is a very vain man who has been married twice, who has had two kids with two different women, who he left for women he met while still married.

She also meets one of Sasha's ex-wives, Masha, and Sasha does everything to change the meaning of what his ex-wife is saying. Masha tries to warn Emily about the fact that her beloved has already been with two women with whom he's had kids and that he left them anyways, so there's no reason for anyone to believe he won't do the same to her. However, due to Emily's unwillingness to learn the language of the place where she lives and Sasha's need to protect himself, the message doesn't reach Emily. Masha makes it very clear that she thinks her ex-husband has an established pattern: get a girl pregnant, marry her, find another girl, divorce wife, get girl pregnant, marry girl, and so on.

Emily, however, has ignored the many flags Sasha has dressed himself in, and gets pregnant with his child, ultimately deciding to give birth in Russia. Normally, giving birth in a country that has good healthcare and in which you've been living for a while wouldn't be a bad idea, but let's remember that this is Emily's first child, that her family and friends are thousands of miles away, and that she doesn't speak the goddamn language, meaning that the doctors have to talk to Sasha who will then translate for her. Who in their right mind would do something like this if not a pickmeisha who is trying to demonstrate she is the ultimate ride, the one who is willing to be in a scary situation in which her life is at risk simply to demonstrate to her LVM that she's ready to do anything for him?

She ends up giving birth in Russia and, surprise surprise, it turns out to be a scary experience because she doesn't understand anything of what the doctors are saying and there are complications!

The baby is born and is healthy, and the happy little family can move to the US.

There, Sasha keeps complaining about not receiving enough attentions (jealous of the baby), and constantly reminds Emily's sister of the fact that she's overweight. She probably has mirrors in her house, so she doesn't need a rude guy she barely knows to remind her of it. He also pressures Emily, who recently went through a ten hours labor, an emergency C-Section, and is currently breastfeeding, that she needs to go back on her grind. Emily, being a pickmeisha who is only now realizing that her fiancé has a very specific pattern and she's halfway through it, is absolutely desperate to lose the baby weight and go back to being to what he considers attractive, because she knows there's always a new, younger girl ready to fall for the buff Russian guy who just happens to have three kids from three different women.

In the end, they marry literally on the highway and have a small ceremony because he's had his fill of fancy weddings from his other two wives, who he abandoned in Russia with his sons.

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I hate this show, but it's also incredibly entertaining.