Help me see the light and leave my fiancé , FDS!

AyemHerself · 2020-04-12T04:01:13+00:00

My fiancé got out of his chair, threw it over, and walked over to my brother to attack him.

His response to an argument was to get violent. It was your brother this time. You will have your turn one day.

He hasn’t done a single thing to fix our dead bedroom, despite my repeated attempts at telling him my feelings.

He doesn't care how you feel or about what you need at all.

I love this man. I can’t shut it off.

No, you love the man he was before and you desperately want him back. But not only is that man gone, he never existed in the first place. You fell in love with the facade he put up and he switched to the dismissive eventual abuser you see now once you got comfortable.

I feel myself spiraling into my old pickmeisha ways thinking I should speak to him, see if he’ll open up, see if he’ll apologize, try to make it work! After all, he will treat the next girl better than you because accepted all of these behaviors and let it get to this point.

What you see is what you get. I'm sorry.

He won't make it work if you grovel because that tells him he doesn't need to change. He might respond to you leaving, but it'll only be temporary measures to get you hooked again.

Don't worry about the future girl. He may change for her, but it's more likely he'll repeat his pattern. And that's if she comes around at all.

More importantly, you deserve a chance to find a healthy relationship more than you deserve a chance for this man to get his head out of his ass.

greensciencegeek · 2020-04-12T03:52:08+00:00

he got violent towards a family member, that's enough reason to leave!
You are unhappy and he's not making an effort to fix the relationship. You shouldn't stick around for this, you should find a relationship where you will be happy!
Some guys just won't learn or change until you show them you value yourself enough to leave. And I say this to point out the fact, if you stay with him, he'll have no reason to change, and won't.

Please, focus on yourself here, not him, not the next girl, just you and your safety and happiness.

blahblablah112233 · 2020-04-12T03:56:00+00:00

You want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't contribute to household chores, your pleasure or who even cares about your concerns? And on top of that, beats up your brother? Fuck him off. He got too comfortable and assumed you'd stick around.

You can't look back at the beginning to when he treated you well, this is how he's treating you now and it hasn't changed for two and a half years.

He won't treat the next girl better, his treatment of you should signal that he just wants a mum.

throwahweigh3521 · 2020-04-12T05:56:11+00:00

First order of business: unless you have a ring and a date with a plan and financials you’re not a fiancée. He was violent, has sex 2 times a year only when sloppy drunk, you pay half and do the majority of the domestic stuff, and yet..... you “love him”?

Wtf is love to you? What you have is a very bad deal that you pay for AND do maid work.

The light is blinding on my side of the screen and for sure is even brighter on your side.

You don’t need help seeing the light from the Internet. You do need actual help. Help planning your escape. Help moving. Legal help. Emotional help- therapeutic help. GTFO of there.

Get off Reddit call a domestic violence hotline and explore your options.

YOU CANNOT LOVE A VIOLENT MAN YOU CAN ONLY LEAVE HIM.

Raccoon328 · 2020-04-12T05:08:45+00:00

The fact is, if you don’t leave him now, you’re going to have your marriage end in a divorce. 🤷🏽‍♀️ he’s going to be violent with you someday. You’re going to be cooking and cleaning after him for the rest of your life and if you’re tired of it now, wait til you’re married a few years and have kids too. Your sex life will probably never recover if it’s that bad now and he hasn’t attempted to fix it. Move on and be single now, or do the same thing in a few years but with a nasty divorce possibly with kids involved.

YarikEnterprise · 2020-04-12T07:12:14+00:00

So you love him. Okay.

You aren't happy with him, though. And you don't feel safe with him. And you know that he won't change. So that intense attachment that you have to him, you already know isn't enough to result in a successful relationship.

It is not an easy thing to walk away from the narrative you've written for your entire life. You decided to marry this man. That means you had a plan for what it was going to be like. But that you're here right now means that plan is already broken. We both know your marriage plans didn't involve posting on a forum like this asking for support to leave. They certainly didn't involve your fiancé attacking anyone, ever, much less your brother.

You are strong enough to cope with the pain of walking away.

RadarFemef · 2020-04-12T07:54:34+00:00

You might love him, but he’s not the one for you. It’s hard to change but you know you need to do it.

surviveIIthrive · 2020-04-12T15:55:45+00:00

I wish every LVM waste of space I dated was beat up to a pulp by my bro before things ended! Way to go to your brother! Good for him. Sounds like your fiancée provoked it on purpose. When men reach this point, LEAVE THEIR ASSES!!

Sounds like this dude has given up, maybe depressed if he was a genuine HVM at the beginning. Dump him! Easier said than done, I know! But I think you know what you have to do. 5 years is too long OP! Don’t drag it out anymore.

torgoboi · 2020-04-12T08:44:30+00:00

All of these things sound like major red flags, especially if he's getting violent with anyone (let alone a family member) and has to drink to have sex with you.

I see that you're hoping for the guy you fell for, but the reality is that you have to take people for what they are, not what they could maybe, eventually be. Do you want to stay with this person who isn't willing to put in an effort to make you feel wanted? Are you okay with someone who would act out towards members of your family and needs you to beg him to feel bad enough to apologize? Are the circumstances you're in now something you can see living through for the rest of your life with no promise that they will ever improve?

It sucks to have to turn away from years with someone you care about, but it's going to be easier now than if you hold out and have to get a divorce down the road if he doesn't change -- and if he's been this bad for a while, chances seem low that he's going to change. Divorce is painful and messy. Don't put yourself through that.

Last off, there are so many men in the world. Why would you waste more time, more energy on someone when you're clearly unhappy? You could use that time to heal, and have a better chance at finding someone you don't have doubts about. Someone who you can take to see your family without being afraid of another incident. Someone who helps you around the house. Someone who actually listens to your sexual needs.

Shermaow · 2020-04-12T14:05:04+00:00

The best advice I ever got was that you can only count on your relationship staying the same or getting worse. Staying because "He could get better" is like planning your finances based on "I could win the lottery". What changed is that he feels like he's got you and now he doesn't have to put forth the effort he did in the beginning to make you stay. This is the real him beneath the veneer he put on to appear dateable. He attacked your family member over a verbal discussion. How do you think gatherings and holiday meals will go down in the future? Imagine your best friend telling you the story that you posted. Would you tell her to move past it or to get out and make sure she is safe before he directs his abuse at her? Be your own best friend, leave him and don't look back.

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