I don't know how to heal

penelopekitty · 2020-03-21T11:37:34+00:00

It sounds as if you may be a victim of narcissistic abuse. This is very different from a relationship where things just didn't work out.

This is a very good resource to learn about this type of abuse and how to heal. I have been there and spent years trying to heal from the trauma. Don't blame yourself.

https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/

FairSoup9 · 2020-03-21T10:42:23+00:00

Hey there. The first thing you need to do is have compassion for yourself and what happened to you. It is good that you are in therapy for the trauma you experienced. Are you taking any medications along with therapy to help the symptoms of sadness?

It's easy to beat yourself up for letting a man hurt you. This has happened to many women here. In fact, that is the whole reason why we are all here in this group together, to protect our emotions, body, and soul from men who do things like this. This man destroyed you, and all for what, his OWN selfish gain. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. He is the weak one, he is the coward for treating you how he treated you.

You are strong. Take this one step at a time. You should develop a list of coping mechanisms and read the posts here to develop that self esteem back up.

-play games on your phone that are relaxing -pratice more of your personal hobbies -develop a routine -focus on yourself & your career -spend more time in the sun/nature -take more b12 & iron supplements if possible

Pogojen · 2020-03-21T10:51:07+00:00

You can't see the end of the storm because right now you're in the storm. When it's bad like this, you can't even remember what it's like to even be happy. But you have to trust that the storm will pass. There will be sunny days again. Lessons have to hurt so you learn.

LadyGrimes · 2020-03-21T14:58:05+00:00

As someone who has been in your shoes too, you will heal from this and it will make you stronger in the end. You will love yourself and see your worth. It takes time and trust me, back when I was in your position, I too thought I would feel that way forever. Now I can't believe that was 10 years ago.

What you have learned from these god awful experiences, are how to avoid men like your ex. You know all the red flags now. And your trust in men may be shot, but it will save you from now on. Actions speak louder than words. If what a man says does not line up with actions, don't trust them. Pay attention to everything they say and do.

I got lucky with my husband, but at the same time I was watching him close. I kept him at a distance instead of jumping into his arms like a pick me. I wanted to be sure he was who he said he was, and so I kept track of everything he said. Then I would wait maybe a month later and casually bring up those things in conversation. If he remembered all the details, then he was telling the truth. I made him prove to me that he was worth taking a chance with. He turned out to be a wonderful man who was true to himself and didn't try to change me.

We were both disabled too and that was important because having a partner like yourself makes things easier because you understand each other better. We had also been abused by parents but neither of us turned out like them. We both had our shitty relationships too. He used to be a man who allowed women to take advantage of him, I did the same with men. And we had both reached our breaking points where we were done with it all. We found each other too late in life. He had cancer for several years before meeting me, but was in remission at the time.

A year after finally getting together his cancer came back. He was a fighter till the end. We both tried to be positive and hopeful he could beat it again. But the damage was done. I was his caregiver for 5 months before he had to move to a nursing home and that's where he died. I won't pretend that I'm not damaged by that loss cause I am. I'm also angry and bitter because I had wished that we got more time, but you know how shitty life can be. The damage is done with me now cause I've got cancer so its my turn to leave this world one of these days. I've been immuno compromised for many years, so it was only a matter of time before my body said fuck it. It's time to die.

timetofliptables · 2020-03-21T17:07:03+00:00

It’s breaking my heart to see you blaming yourself. If this was your dear friend coming to you with these issues would you say to her “ it’s all your fault you deserved it!”

I certainly hope not. Be your own dear friend. I’ve been there.

On forgiveness: Everyone told me to forgive him forgive him and I’d heal. No. They don’t realize abuse victims forgive their abusers all the time. It’s when I forgave myself, the doors to healing swan wide open.

When it’s come to my abusers, personally nothing has helped me as much as firey, take no shit, anger. Anger gets a bad rap as “unhealthy” but I don’t think that’s the case for someone that was abused and never allowed to be angry when it was appropriate. So I let myself be angry now, and it makes me feel stronger.

Eventually of course we’ll have to move on from it, but every emotion has it’s proper place. Our sort of hippie dippie “all is love” paradigm doesn’t do much to help victims honestly. You don’t have to forgive him or wish him well. But you do have to forgive yourself.

Here to talk if you want to talk. ❤️ you’re going to be ok if you just keep doing the work and stay on the path to the light.

As for the new revelation. You are NOT defined by what other people have done to you. I know it’s hitting you hard, but you will bounce back. Focus on what’s great about you. There’s a lot I’m sure of it.

logician01 · 2020-03-21T15:44:31+00:00

Can too start with some little things? I went through similar things and I am rebuilding and I will share some things that helped me.

I still struggle with this but self care: this means drinking enough water, eating enough vegetables and fruits. Exercise, stretching. The abuse harms us physically too and rebuilding helps mentally. It’s all connected/ health/hormones/feelings etc.
Hobbies and friends you enjoy. Even if you have - single one it helps. People that bring out the true you because you feel safe and at peace where you laugh and make jokes, because it’s easy and natural. This is huge
Sleep. Enough sleep. If you aren’t able to sleep, try to do some light Exercise and meditation. Number #1 above with water and veggies (enough potassium) really helped me with this! And when I fall back on it I see my sleep get worse and I get back on wagon. Also if sleep problems are a thing remove electronic devices from where you sleep. Maybe read to sleep.

If he was a porn user we have our sister sub r/PornFreeRelationships it helps more than therapy to share there because noticing other people had the exact same experiences is eye opening.

JasmineDragon110 · 2020-03-21T08:24:16+00:00

Every boundary I put in place, he broke. He went out of his way to NOT comply to my requests, even simple ones like not calling me bro. And I put up with this shit for money. I ALLOWED HIM to abuse me. It's my fault and I deserved to be abused. I asked for it by not putting myself first. By valuing money over my self respect.

Lost_polymath · 2020-03-21T13:18:55+00:00

You can survive and recover from rape and emotional trauma, I promise you. I am a rape survivor and it takes work and time. Keep working with your therapist. Lean on your friends and family for support. Be kind to yourself.

maybelowfds · 2020-03-21T15:15:05+00:00

In the past year, what things made you happy or what happy moments do you remember? Focus on those things and also savour every happiness you get. Sure happiness isnt a goal but just appreciating it day by day is good

JasmineDragon110 · 2020-03-21T15:52:01+00:00

Please read Whole Again by Jackson McKenzie.

You'll be ok op. I know what it's like to feel totally shaken after knowing someone. You will get better, you'll be better off than before you met them, even. But you have to work on yourself and you have to learn to accept kindness and love and not be hard on yourself, which can be difficult, but it's worth it. You exist to be loved.

Title	I don't know how to heal
Author	JasmineDragon110
Upvotes	32
Comments	31
Date	March 21, 2020 8:21 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fmbtjr/i_dont_know_how_to_heal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-dont-know-how-to-heal.679843 https://theredarchive.com/post/679843

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