Encountered LVM behavior about my mixed ethnicity with my ex and now another man and I do not know how to approach it.

seelina455 · 2020-04-04T02:43:42+00:00

Don't you ever get sick of getting fetishized as a Latina or Mexican?

As a Canadian, when I moved to the States, I noticed how common this was among men "Oooh I'm dating a Mexican", and frankly found it pretty disgusting and repulsive to reduce someone to stereotypes of their ethnic background. What a bunch of morons.

Sadly, I found that SOME Hispanic women had tendencies towards self-fetishizing their Latina status. It's kind of sad, and basic.

When Alexandra Cortez came into power, regardless of political affiliation, I feel like hispanic women finally got a much needed, very visible, very vocal, highly intelligent role model. Let's look beyond Jlo for real representatives of the Hispanic community.

Hennyyenni · 2020-04-04T03:11:35+00:00

As a Latina I could never date a non Latino who doesn’t love my Spanish speaking (not in a fetishy ohh I love you when speak you Spanish during sex but as in he must be loving that I speak Spanish on the regular to my parents and my coworkers and some of my friends)

Also I don’t like white or black guys that only like Latinas or light skinned/mixed girls or white guys who don’t like white girls or black guys who don’t like black girls , from both races it’s weird and I myself prefer Hispanic guys but they have to be chivalrous and giving and traditional without the machismo or the whole “my woman has to cook and clean for me” I said what I said 😂

If you wanna date me and you’re serious about me you’re coming with me to my parents South American countries and you better appreciate the blessing of seeing such beautiful cultures.

If we have kids our kids are learning Spanish and you’re learning Spanish too. I’m not raising a child who can’t speak Spanish.

You can’t be republican and be like that white Ben guy who has the biggest crush on AOC but is clearly embarrassed because she’s a democrat Latina and he’s a white republican and his dick gets hard for her actually that’s the whole GOP tbh.

Also screw racist white passing Puerto Rican men that love Mexican/South American Latina’s when it comes to sex but are super racist and look down on us cause our parents had to work for citizenship or couldn’t get it meanwhile their parents had the blessing of automatic citizenship that US territories get.

End my rant of being Latina and existing in general

Fitncurly · 2020-04-04T02:25:25+00:00

As another mixed race woman, I understand this completely. I notice it’s mostly men who look very different from me who’ve fetishized my racial makeup. Like straight up white, black, or Asian men. Other Latino men didn’t really do that, at least the ones from my background, which is heavily mixed. So I ended up marrying someone from that group of men—I felt most at “home” and least fetishized so it makes sense. You might wanna try dating men from the more mixed/of color side of your heritage as it seems like you might be getting with white guys fetishizing WOC. It’s not impossible to find a guy of any race who won’t fetishize you of course, but just like anything else here it takes lots of vetting and time to figure out.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-04-04T02:27:36+00:00

Beyond the fact that it’s rude as fuck to go out of your way to tell someone you wouldn’t date them if they were heavier, for me it’s dehumanizing to be instantly reduced to a piece of meat, there for their (presumed) sexual consumption. Not only is it disgusting that they even think like that, they feel the need to force those feelings into our awareness. It’s invasive and I don’t understand the mentality at all. Certain things have been extremely fetishized in the media and I choose to view it as a positive that these types of men reveal themselves fairly quickly. I have a similar body type and some of the comments I get completely unsolicited are disgusting, if I didn’t see it as a good thing that they out themselves, I would just feel slimy.

BaffledBazaar · 2020-04-04T02:36:46+00:00

Can I lol for a second? Men. They want the 'sexy latina body' but don't want the Spanish speaking that comes with it. Your ex sucks and people like him suck. They think they're complimenting you and a lot of women just shrug off that discomfort. Pickmeishas who whitewash themselves for (especially white) male attention make me sick and are the lowest in my opinion. Not saying you were one of those women, OP, but I've seen a few girls who relish in whitewashing themselves, treating their military buzz cut lvm like he's a trophy, and BARF.

I don't have an answer of what will work for you, but I'm giving my comment in solidarity because I had to deal with a LOT of FOB jokes growing up, assholes making jokes about my ma's accent. I wish I had been stronger in my youth and been more generous with giving bloody noses. Again, I regret it now, but those people can't and won't dare say those things to me ever again. What has helped me is connecting with the community again, speaking my languages, finding art and movies and bit by bit carving a piece for myself in the community. Also, I will never date someone who is 'cold' to my culture. He must want to learn about it. Learn some of the language, customs, how to cook some dishes. If I ever had children, he would have to support raising them bilingual, with long trips over the summer to visit grandma overseas. Period. It's not too much to ask. It hasn't happened overnight but over the course of several years I feel so much more secure in my identity because it is something I am carving myself internally and external opinions can't touch it. It's a process, but I've made strives through setting boundaries and being unapologetically ME. Come to think of it, by blocking and deleting that commenter, you've taken the first step in the process.

I agree with virginiadancer. That comment from your therapist is weird and perhaps either bring up that she doesn't understand or seek someone else. Best of luck OP.

Juditka_ · 2020-04-04T06:34:05+00:00

I would replace that therapist ASAP.

nosynobody · 2020-04-04T08:05:00+00:00

Your therapist claiming not to understand you means you need to get a new therapist. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you happy

virginiadancer · 2020-04-04T02:20:47+00:00

First of all, congrats on the healthy weight loss.

Second, fuck those guys. If it wasn't your skin color and ethnic background, it would have been something else. You did the right thing taking the trash out.

Third, as someone who is in the Spanish speaking (and Latin dance) scene, I too have encountered some lowkey racism from dates and some weird exoticism about speaking Spanish. It's not the same as your experience. Although I grew up speaking Spanish and most of my business contacts and friends are Hispanic/ Latino/ Chicano, I am very white. That said, I drop those guys in a nanosecond. They don't want to be a part of or express interest in an awesome 'subculture' that's objectively cool and not that different than their own? Pass.

Tons of people nowadays are way more open minded. These men are just relics of white supremacy in the worst way.

Ballet folklorico is very similar to contra dancing in white communities, except with way better dresses. 😆 I love it, wish we had more of it where I am.

Finally, weird comment from your therapist. Chicano culture is alive and well in the border communities and loads of people identify as being 'between cultures.' I'm not sure why she's lacking knowledge in this regard. You have every reason to feel put off by the comments these men made and it bothers you because it's a rejection of your identity. I think that's healthy and a normal response.

krisy1990 · 2020-04-04T05:09:51+00:00

From what you say, it sounds like you’re “white- passing”. As I can imagine,not always being recognized as what you are or identify with can be extremely frustrating. This can create an insecurity, and as long as it is an issue with you, it will continue to be an issue with other people. There is a tendency for ppl especially predatory and abusive people to be able to sniff out ANY insecurities. It is why working on your real self, outside of external things is the most important when dealing with self worth and other people.

asoww · 2020-04-04T04:57:17+00:00

Change of therapist, tbh. And let her keep on not understanding. Is she white ? Because I am not going to lie, that wouldn't be surprising. You might want to find a Latinx therapist or at the very least, if they aren't, someone who is versed in cultural identity and issues faced by descendant of migrants, ethnic minorities. They exist.

2020-04-05T21:00:11+00:00

Your feelings are understandable because you've been a victim of racism and sexism. Your feelings are justified.

Title	Encountered LVM behavior about my mixed ethnicity with my ex and now another man and I do not know how to approach it.
Author	YouCrepemeOut
Upvotes	50
Comments	16
Date	April 4, 2020 1:36 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fukz2e/encountered_lvm_behavior_about_my_mixed_ethnicity/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/encountered-lvm-behavior-about-my-mixed-ethnicity.692864 https://theredarchive.com/post/692864

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