This is going to be very long.

I’m going to describe my situation here basically in chronological order. I am a 21F. I met this guy, 41M, at work. He has an amazing 6 figure job as a healthcare professional and I worked in a position below him. So he wasn’t some older creep who was actively searching out young women on tinder. He has a great work ethic and we naturally got along for that reason. He is in amazing physical shape, very handsome to me. His hair is thinning a bit but not balding at all. Just a few wrinkles. Very good for his age. He is very short though. 5’5. Does not bother me. We both value hard work. He was always kind to me, offering to show me around when I was new, and making comment defending me and talking about how I look very healthy when people would comment on my plant based diet. One night he gave me his jacket because I was cold, and when I folded and returned it after washing, he told me to keep it. That is when I really started to become interested and see him as high value. He always asked questions about my classes and family history. I got into a minor car accident and he obtained my phone number and called asking how he could help as soon as he heard. Finally, one day when we were walking together he told me that he had an early Christmas gift for me. It was an extremely beautiful and VERY expensive winter coat. And he was risking a lot because people at work were stunned and asking who gave it to me. I was convinced at this point that he had to have some kind of interest in me. So, to thank him, I baked him some brownies and invited him out to eat with me if he’d like. He happily accepted. He Searched for restaurants that would accommodate my diet without me asking. We met up for our dinner and had an amazing conversation and a great time in general. I paid for the dinner in advance because I invited him out, and I believe it’s the polite thing to do. He was very surprised. He had pulled out his card to pay. He then asked to elongate the night by teaching me to drive his manual car. That was fun. We walked to a YMCA and played bingo with the community. Then he drove me back to my car to drop me off. At that moment he asked me if he could kiss me, because he’d really like to. I agreed. We made out for 15 minutes + and he said he really liked this. He sent me a text saying “Goodnight, babe. I had an amazing time.” Subsequently, I was worried that since he is over 40 and had never been married, that asking for commitment would scare him away. He told me a week later that he was breaking a rule of his by dating a coworker. I responded with “We’re dating..?” He said yes. I panicked and assured him that we’re just friends, no pressure. And when he sensed that pushback from me he immediately changed his answer and agreed that we are just friends. Since that call, he remained much more unsure. We continued to go out, I met family members of his who liked me very much. He offered to introduce me to his mother one night, to grab some ingredients from her for food we were making. I made up the excuse that I wasn’t dressed well enough. He says “I never bring girls around her!” Excited at the thought of introducing me, despite constantly saying that he is trying to “figure out” his feelings.

One night I sent him a cute selfie and told him I missed him. He couldn’t believe it, saying that no one has told him he’s missed in a long time. I once asked if he wanted a family, because I heard he does. He shrugged and says “If it happens, it happens. I haven’t found the one yet, I’m not settling. The worst thing you can do is marry the wrong person.”

This dynamic continued on of us doing romantic things, fooling around sexually and going on nice dates. One night got heavy sexually and we were half naked in bed together. He panicked that night and told me he doesn’t want to continue doing sexual things with me if he isn’t sure he can be my boyfriend, because he isn’t sure.

After that we went on a few more dates and it wasn’t sexual anymore. This ended with a night where I kissed him on the lips. He allowed it. But towards the end of the night, I asked him to sit by me and he refused. Claiming “one thing will lead to another.” I asked what was truly wrong with that if so. And then comes all of it. I must add, before I type what he said, that on this same night he pushed me to pursue a male roommate of mine because he was sure he was interested in me since he asked for my help assembling a gun. I said, “no. He’s not. And why would you say that? I’m here with you. You wouldn’t care if I was with another guy?” He thought for a moment and responded, “No, I wouldn’t.” This absolutely shot me through the heart and destroyed my self esteem. He says that he is very into me intellectually and physically. That I’m smart and beautiful. But he feels that if he had to be vulnerable with me, he couldn’t be. That emotionally we are too different. Which I found strange, because he opened up to me that when he was 30 he had such a bad breakup with a woman he lived with that he was suicidal and went on antidepressants for 3 years. None the less. He said “Maybe in 6 years it would be different.” As in 6 years of more life experience for me. And even though on that first amazing date we had, when I brought up the age gap, he says “Age is just a number.” He said that night that he can’t get passed the age gap, and isn’t comfortable with it. He concluded it with saying that he also has commitment issues. I asked with tears in my eyes, “So, you never see yourself with me?” He was quite for an entire minute and responded “No. never.”
I’ve been a wreck ever since. He assured me though. He said he never should’ve got involved physically with me before being sure that he wanted to be with me. But he said “give it a week, I’m not a hard guy to get over. Call me and we can hangout as great friends, because we are. We trust and care for each other greatly.”

I am just so heartbroken despite it being near two months since he rejected me. I have no idea what else to do. He would’ve been great as a future husband and father. It feels like such a loss. That’s why it hurts so much. I am seriously not recovering well, and I’m not over it. What can I do?