Hi y'all. Someone on here recently mentioned Matthew Hussey; I read his book a few years ago and just found the notes I took. I don't necessarily agree with all of his content but I'm including the stuff I found interesting or relevant and not too "pick me".

  • Visual chemistry + perceived challenge  + perceived value + connection = long lasting attraction
  • Let dating be a natural part of your lifestyle, and not this separate, intimidating thing. You can't just fake an exciting/fun/busy lifestyle, you actually have to live it.
  • A guy must be evaluated by his qualities re: what he does for you - don't look at any other aspects of his life and confuse them for relationship material if he hasn't shown this toward you or done anything special regarding you.
  • Let him earn your commitment by investing in you - supporting you, making an effort, treating you well. Then reward him for it. MEN DON'T VALUE WHAT THEY DIDN'T EARN
  • You need to be sure that you are getting what you need from him, and he needs to be sure that what he's getting from you couldn't come from anyone else.
  • Don't get wrapped up in romance just because you want to be in a relationship. Never settle. Never ignore red flags or assume someone will change. Make sure EARLY ON that your priorities align and you share the same values.
  • If it ends- Don't look at it as if it's the end of the world.  Realize that he didn't live up to your values and standards, he was not your soulmate, he was not ultimately right for you. Allow yourself to be open to finding the next person, and learn/grow from the experience
  • Men typically don't settle down because they convince themselves that they're not ready, they haven't fully experienced life yet, and having a girlfriend/wife is going to change everything. It's the perceived freedom that he's giving up. They often have this fantasy life of being single, then end up realizing it's not as great as they thought.
  • However - other men are able to understand that having a committed relationship does not mean the death of great sex/adventure - instead, it enhances this. Having a wife/girlfriend allows him to have great sex on a regular basis, having someone who will support and understand him, and be his companion on great adventures and experiences.
  • Even though you can't change someone's personality or character, you can change his emotional associations and his perceptions of how his wants/needs can be met within a relationship. BUT, you can't do this merely by convincing him - he has to come to the decision on his own, via learning by your actions.
  • Know that a high value woman doesn't have to make a case for her own desirability. He has to come to the conclusion on his own. He has to feel that life with you is better than life without you, and the more he puts into it, the more benefits he'll reap.
  • He needs to know that you aren't desperate for a man, and you're happy with your life already (you don't need a man in order to feel content and validated with yourself because you already are).
  • You cannot make him a top priority too soon or put all your plans on hold for him. You can express a desire to spend time with him, but don't drop everything to be with him!
  • You can't let him feel like he's living his life while you're just sitting around waiting to hear from him. Continue to build your own lifestyle and and don't let him feel that he can take as much time as he wants making an effort toward you because you're just waiting for him.
  • Realize you can't jump the gun and rush into a relationship. NEVER assume exclusivity without talking about it and never prematurely focus on one person or obligate yourself to someone who hasn't earned it.
  • Ask: is he setting aside enough time for me? Does he make an effort to involve me in his life on a regular basis? Is he confiding in me? Does he enjoy doing simple things together and not just coming over at 10 pm? 
  • If a guy hits you up for a late night booty call or asks for sex in a disrespectful way, turn him down but don't get angry - either state your boundaries or ignore him altogether. (Note: Not that I don't think that fuckboys should be called out. But I personally think that it's kind of a waste of time and energy to get angry and curse them out.)
  • ASSESS AND INVEST BASED ON WHAT YOU SEE, NOT WHAT YOU HOPE FOR
  • If a guy says, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now/I don't want anything serious", then don't get upset or argue with him, he'll probably just think he was right to not want one. Simply calmly make your boundaries known and he can either follow them or not. Then let him come back to you, and if he does, then make him follow your terms... if he says "let's go out on Friday", offer for Saturday, etc. 
    • Once he says that he doesn't want a relationship, PLACE HIM ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR LIST OF PRIORITIES. Treat him more casually, and show him that he can't have the benefits of a relationship without the commitment.