How do you mourn the loss of friendships with guy friends who only wanted to date you?

Sage_Planter · 2020-06-05T19:56:05+00:00

You learn to accept they never were really your friends to begin with. It's a sad reality.

fernprincess · 2020-06-05T22:43:22+00:00

Same. I’ve had many male friends and therefore many surprising and unwanted declarations of love. It hurts when you think you’ve made a good friend but they were quietly hoping their proximity to you would result in sex “one day”. Let yourself feel hurt but block them and move on once the worst of the emotional reaction has passed. If you try to keep being friends this type will keep being “nice” in the continuing hope of sex. It’s sad. Pity them.

I have met some rare exceptions where I flat out tell them I will never ever ever sleep with them or see them in that way and they became a good friend with healthy boundaries who was never inappropriate again —but yeah, it’s rare. A lot of men’s egos can’t handle “no”.

The best and most long-term platonic relationships I have with men are “aquaintanceships” rather than friendships. I save close friendship for my mom, my kids, my female friends, and my LGBTQ+ friends. I stay friendly with the men in my social and business circles, but never get too familiar or give them too much info about my life. Definitely do not be emotionally vulnerable about your problems with them. Treat them like coworkers or your friends’ husbands. I find it works to avoid the declarations of love and attraction down the road.

2020-06-05T19:53:07+00:00

Men aren't your friends. Look to women for friendships. Men are 99.9% of the time after one thing: sex.

penelopekitty · 2020-06-05T21:19:18+00:00

It's an uncomfortable truth that NO MAN WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND. I have had men tell me this and I have experienced it myself. The only reason a man pays any attention to you is if he wants to fuck you.

Of course you feel betrayed. I'm guessing you are young and though men and women are equal in our society and that there are good men out there. Wrong.

YOU thought these were friendships, the guys saw the relationship as an opportunity for sex.

I'm in my 50s. I know what I'm talking about.

Also, please examine why you prefer male friends. Do you think you're "not like other girls?"

nutshit · 2020-06-05T23:41:29+00:00

I’ve noticed this. I consider one “genuine” but only because I’m not his type (he likes 1 type of girl and only that) so he’s able to be platonic. Unfortunately I feel like he would pursue me if I was his type. Another guy friend makes subtle hints and compliments me but I shut those down. It sucks that we have to worry about this

noavocadoshere · 2020-06-06T00:44:03+00:00

i moved forward by realizing that the foundation our "friendship" was based on was an entire lie. i had a good number of men i would've called friends when i was younger, and year by year, they all disappeared (especially after i got my first boyfriend who wasn't one of them). not only did the men i called friends have ulterior motives, but our friendships looking back became one-sided the older we grew--and i observed qualities i didn't like about them that they'd hidden when i wasn't around.

it's okay to mourn what you thought you had, because truth be told, it's hurtful knowing you were reduced to in their minds, a possibility rather than a person. it took some time, but in the end, i grew thankful that people who had false intentions removed themselves from my life--and moved forward to not only strengthen and cherish my remaining friendships but make friends that weren't selfish and self-involved.

nymphaetamine · 2020-06-06T06:59:34+00:00

Welcome to the club :) Same story for me, was always 'one of the guys' until it dawned on me that just about every straight male friend I've ever had has either declared feelings or tried to sleep with me at some point. I'll be 40 soon and I can count on just a few fingers how many guy friends haven't done this. I no longer form friendships with men anymore unless they're verifiably gay, and I no longer date men with female friends either. Unless your man's lady friends are absolutely grotesque, it's pretty safe to assume he's attracted to them and is probably flirting with them behind your back. I speak from many years of experience on that, unfortunately. I'm sure some male/female friendships are truly platonic with neither party having any feelings for the other, but they're rarer than infinity stones.

I can't tell you how to mourn something that was never real in the first place. But I can say that you've done nothing wrong and you ARE good enough to be friends with. The problem here is that most men enter into "friendships" with women under false pretenses. They don't see us as a person they have interests in common with and enjoy hanging out with, they see us as conquests. If we aren't interested at first, well then, they'll just hang around and prove what a great guy they are or wait till we're in a moment of vulnerability to make their move. Make friends with women instead.

Cosmictears83 · 2020-06-05T22:26:12+00:00

I honestly get so icked out that I mourn nothing after the fallout.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-06-06T00:21:15+00:00

I don't mourn at all. They betrayed me.

LeprikonPaprikon · 2020-06-06T07:34:22+00:00

The only male friend that stayed with me over the years is a gay man.

didumakethetea · 2020-06-06T03:10:40+00:00

I thought this guy was my genuine friend, we were friends through a really tough time in my life (check my post history for details), after I rejected him he withdrew from the friendship a whole lot but was still around the odd time. I cut him off eventually a few months ago and occasionally still feel the impulse to message him or talk to him. I loved this guy, platonically, genuinely loved him, we were really close at one point and had a load in common, same sense of humour, we'd watch the same trash TV together etc. Whenever he was around we laughed the whole time. I'm still 'mourning' what, on my end, was a loving, wholesome friendship. But, whenever I get that urge to talk to him or think about him or miss him, I shut the thought down. Because logically I know that friendship became toxic for me. It's hard but over time you'll miss it less because hindsight is 20/20 and the clarity with which you see the situation will steadily improve.

tutioghi11 · 2020-06-05T23:52:55+00:00

Maybe reframe it from "they wanted to use me" to "they wanted emotional and physical intimacy and we were not aligned in our intentions. He needed distance to move on instead of silently harboring feelings. I am now investing in and cultivating female friendships"

uglygalthrow · 2020-06-06T23:00:49+00:00

Hug yourself. Be kind to yourself. And learn to observe these men who claim to be your friend without sharing too much about yourself. You’ll see what they really want. Ex: i had a male friend in college that i worked with. I knew he had a gf in a different city - he talked about her A LOT. That was a red flag i missed. Constantly telling another woman PEROSNAL THINGS about your relationship is a way LVM phish for a new gf/hookup - especially if you’re “friends”.

AutoModerator · 2020-06-05T19:37:26+00:00

[1] - Please read the FDS Handbook and Wiki before commenting. Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.
[2] - Please REPORT any comments that do not follow the sub rules. If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.
[3] - This sub is FEMALE ONLY. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. So if you’ve got an XY, don’t reply. DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!! Please DOWNVOTE and REPORT immediately.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	How do you mourn the loss of friendships with guy friends who only wanted to date you?
Author	BleuRaspbery
Upvotes	88
Comments	21
Date	June 5, 2020 7:37 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gxbf37/how_do_you_mourn_the_loss_of_friendships_with_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-mourn-the-loss-of-friendships-with-guy.700964 https://theredarchive.com/post/700964

Comments