I have been spending the past few years trying to date with the intent of finding a long term relationship. But it has been filled with pain. I don’t ask a lot from men, so I think I am only becoming attracted to LVM. I don’t think I’ve ever slept with a HVM. It feels unnatural to want things from men or even friends. Like I feel like I shouldn’t ask because they won’t want to do anything that is just for me. What is wrong with me? I’m educated, successful, confident when it comes to my career, close with my family, loyal, empathetic...yet apparently I have only become attracted to men who are charming, but don’t treat me well?

The latest example is a guy I was dating (34M). Pretty early on, I brought up the fact that I expect exclusivity before sleeping with anyone. He happily agreed and I was naive, and thought that it meant something. I slept with him. I shouldn’t have (was that a mistake?). We continued to see one another and talked all the time, but pretty soon after I noticed a slight shift in behavior and he became more distant.

Right toward the end, he became really antagonistic and dismissive toward me, picking fights. It wasn’t just him being disinterested, but it was like he was saying rude shit, aimed at trying to get a rise out of me or deflate me. Basically, he would shit in anything I had to say, even if it wasn’t about something stupid/not of any consequence. Made fun of some of the things I liked, put words in my mouth if I disagreed with him even slightly, and took shots at my job and how one of the rounds of sex he couldn’t orgasm because I was too focused on myself (of all the times we had sex, he came every time except once, and I didn’t come the majority of the time). Prior to this, he acted nice and enthusiastic, and like he respected me.

When this change happened, I was at a loss. I kept wondering what I had done? I didn’t get it and why he was acting like he hated me. I thought he was so good prior to this. Tell me, ladies, that was my mistake, right? Why did I think this man was good after six weeks of good behavior?

I brought it up to him. I thought about what I was going to say for hours before I messaged him. I was nice, too nice, yet basically asked him what was going on and if this was about me. He recognized he hadn’t behaved well, but didn’t apologize. He came up with a shitload of excuses about all the bad things he was going through and how it wasn’t about me. Another mistake I made - I felt so bad! I expressed sympathy about the crap he was going through. Wanted to be there for him. Tried to cheer him up. And then? Crickets. Never heard from him again. Went from talking to the guy for every day for two months to him removing himself entirely from my life.

Was this a LVM/NVM? Are these men awful regardless of who they’re with? How do I avoid these types in the future? My self-esteem has taken a beating these past few years. I believe someone is decent and then I realize I was totally wrong about them. I want so badly to share my life with someone, but I feel hopeless and depressed.