I'm not attracting the kind of man I want. RP Ladies, can you offer any advice?

mwait · 2017-07-17T03:28:36+00:00

Unfortunately I tend to hold people (regardless of gender) at arms length for a while until I feel that I can trust them enough to let down my guard and be vulnerable. A friend told me that this quality could be off-putting, but that the right person would understand where I'm coming from and be patient.

In my opinion, your friend is either saying what you want to hear or she's mistaken. The dating world is filled with jaded women in their mid-thirties, who want a man to work for their trust. Why bother, when they can date a 27-year-old with less baggage?

My advice is to market yourself well. Don't open with any of the more dramatic pieces you've included here (bad previous relationship and trust issues). Definitely remove any hint of them from any online dating profiles or social networking sites. There will be a time and a place, but the introduction isn't it. Instead, talk about the things you've done or places you've been or accomplishments you've made in your time alone. Talk about your career. Ask questions. You'll attract more confident men and cut down on the "safe" guy.

Identify early warning signs for the men you've mentioned (those questions can come in handy, here). For example, the noncommittal guy tells you, often on a first date, that someday he might like to marry. The clingy guy texts constantly and the emotionally unavailable guy doesn't give you his full attention at dinner. Vet for these things early on, end the relationship before it starts, and just keep looking.

RubyWooToo · 2017-07-17T18:15:01+00:00

Based on the information you've provided, I see two possibilities for what's going on your relationships, and maybe a combination of both:

You actually don't want to be in a committed relationship, even though you say you do, so you date people that aren't really candidates.
You're not a good partner. Most people don't tell the people they're breaking up that they "make their skin crawl" or accuse them of "ruining their lives."

Either way, the common denominator in your relationship failures is you. Maybe instead of focusing on trying to find the right partner, you should spend more time trying to be the right partner.

liquidswan · 2017-07-17T19:32:51+00:00

I am a man so I'm not sure exactly if this applies, but when I was 25 I attempted to date a 36 year old woman. She was really hot, firstly, however, IMMEDIATELY she's starts the date by entering my vehicle, and giving me a speech about how driving above the posted speed limit makes her car sick. This made little sense to me then and less sense to me now. So imagine I'm driving 53km/h in a 50km/h zone, she would start complaining, right away.

As the date progressed I saw more and more weird things, I eventually concluded she has some problems, she keeps bringing up commitment and whatnot immediately, it's like this is the first date, what the...?

Anyways, I drop her off at her apartment and she doesn't want to be walked up stairs. I was like okay see ya.

The thing is, I might have been stupid enough to have sex with her and then I'd have been hooked or maybe put up with her problems in the hopes she would change. Now I know this really can't change because she's like this at that age for some reason. So I ask myself, is this worth it?

Next day she calls me and invites ME out for another date, but by that time I thought about it enough with the head in my neck rather than the head in my pants to say no thanks.

The thing about being an older woman who hasn't had a family yet, you are now competing with women ten years your junior, with less baggage, more youth, and less problems. You have to be pretty awesome (totally possible), if you want to lasso a nice man.

I now have a wife who is my age and she is great. She's receptive and caring and not overflowing with baggage.

nastynickdr · 2017-07-17T14:58:15+00:00

It was 3.5 years, and when it ended my partner told me that I had ruined his life, he had been miserable for the last 3 years, my touch made his skin crawl, and that no one would ever love me again. It took me years to recover from that, which included therapy and a lot of self discovery, personal acceptance and forgiveness (of myself as well as others).

Dont sweat about this. A man who would tell you something like this is a weakling. You are not responsible for his happiness. And if he thinks you are, he is just a momma´s boy, you are better off without him anyway.

All I can say is be careful to not go into "desesperation mode" and settle for a man that is not compatible with what you expect in a relationship. When you meet new guys, find out what he thinks of traditional relationship roles, if hes got his shit together or is just another momma´s boy, if hes responsible, or whatever other qualities you are looking for, and show him what you have to offer as well.

InMooseWeTrust · 2017-07-17T11:56:12+00:00

Why did your ex say you ruined his life? People don't say things like that for no reason.

plein_old · 2017-07-17T04:43:07+00:00

I tend to hold people (regardless of gender) at arms length

Sounds wise to me!

It's one thing to be friendly toward people, to be cheerful, to be warm, to be hospitable. All that stuff is good.

But why would a woman (who clearly wants to avoid more bad relationships) want to rush into things with a man she's just met?

Unless of course I'm misunderstanding what you mean by "arm's length" and if that's really a euphemism for like the length of a football field, or something, or code language for being cold and grumpy toward everyone.

You should never let your guard down and be vulnerable toward anyone unless you're quite certain they merit it. And the longer you live in this world the more you realize that not everyone merits this kind of respect.

JeNeSaitQuoi · 2017-07-17T19:57:26+00:00

"Unfortunately I tend to hold people (regardless of gender) at arms length for a while until I feel that I can trust them enough to let down my guard and be vulnerable. "

How does this manifest itself?

IMO, being independent is good. You don't call people all hours of the day or night because you need to talk, for example. Some people like the mystery that comes with unwrapping a gift. So I don't get what is so bad about holding people at arms length.

Also, given what you have written here, you may be a lot like my sister .... who is nearly 50, never married and always wanted to be. She has tendency to have the relationship with the first guy who comes instead of holding out for what she really wants. Could this be your problem?

Startthecar27 · 2017-07-17T16:36:22+00:00

Try some new activities. Meet new people.

Title	I'm not attracting the kind of man I want. RP Ladies, can you offer any advice?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	18
Comments	33
Date	July 17, 2017 2:57 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6nqh2c/im_not_attracting_the_kind_of_man_i_want_rp/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-not-attracting-the-kind-of-man-i-want-rp-ladies.73124 https://theredarchive.com/post/73124

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