I am not certain what sort of replies to expect here, but I need to write down what came to my mind and I thought that some of you might find something useful in this. If this is inappropriate for the sub, please just remove it.

For as long as I remember I was a bit of an odd one out. I really liked the idea of traditional femininity and longed for that grace I often envisioned adult women would have, but the older I got the more I started to despise the girls around me. They were loud, kind of dirty, flashing skin and perked up boobs they stuffed with socks to pretend to be bigger than they truly are. I never found a lot of friends, honestly, I was mainly a subject to bullying because I didn't like to ruin my skin with lots of cheap makeup and preferred to wear dresses and skirts which other teenagers pulled up or down to embarrass me constantly.

I got my period when I was eleven years old and grew up to have a very strong hourglass figure. Especially when when I entered puberty, I loved these changes that happened to my body, but honestly, it came with groping from students and inappropriate touching that really scared me. I started to really seclude myself from other students and got a terrible aversion to physical touch, I was honestly just scared.

And the worst of it? It was stuck in an environment that told me, it was my fault for being so uptight. So guess what brilliant young me did? That's right, I had sex with a guy who said he really liked me. Turned out pretty quickly, he didn't ever give a toss and just wanted to be proud of himself for doing the strange girl that is pretty hot under the conservative clothes.

Honestly, I only ever stumbled from one bad connection with that guy into a genuinely abusive relationship with a guy that exploited the side of me that just wants to be supportive and caring. It makes me wonder whether I am a bloody moron. I feel like all my life, whenever I cared about someone and wanted to be good to them, take care of them, that was exploited, especially when it comes to men. Male close friends all deserted me eventually because their girlfriends got jealous, even male colleagues at university don't want to meet me alone for studying because of jealously of their partners.

I feel like men see nothing in me but something they want to abuse and women see nothing in me but something their partners want to get a taste of. And it made me incredibly depressed when I was a bit younger. I'm feeling better now at 25, I got a fantastic boyfriend whom I love very much who has a mindset just like me. In a way, all the bad things that happened led to something good after all but still I sometimes wonder why the world is as gross as it is especially to young women.

I'm so sick of being told to "man up" while this society encourages zero values, meaningless sex and downright emotional and physical abuse against those that don't feel comfortable within that. I don't know how you amazing people are coping with it, but I genuinely feel depressed. I feel dirty. I feel like I can never get any of this out of my mind. I had so many incidents when I was even just twelve or thirteen of boys groping me, I had so many cases of my abusive ex coercing me into sex. I feel like it's a veil of grime on my skin. I feel like the dumbest person in this world and I feel like all my values ever got me was terrible treatment from others.

(I'm sorry about how sad and depressing all of this sounds, I promise I am not nearly as much a wreck as this sounds like! I have been going through a very few rough years to be honest and the last months were tough too. Two years ago I finally got out of a terribly abusing relationship, a year ago my best friend ditched me and used me as a scapegoat in front of his girlfriend, telling her he cheated on her with me in order to avoid telling the truth, this ruined my reputation amongst many friends and it absolutely broke my heart. I had another friend today break contact with me because his girlfriend found me too attractive and I am reaching a point where I am starting to hate myself. I start to really doubt who I am. I am not trying to be attractive or to catch random men's attention, I never wanted any of this, and I just feel like I'm so drained. I'll be fine again in a few days maybe this is just my period, bad memories, and exam stress all going to my head.)