I found out on Valentine's Day my BF cheated on me a while back

pearlsandstilettos · 2018-02-15T18:55:24+00:00

Everyone: the OP did not cheat on her current partner. This is clarified in her comments below. Please give advice accordingly

I didn't cheat on him, my relationship with his bestfriend was completely separate and I wasn't unfaithful in my current one.

W0lfgangster · 2018-02-16T02:31:29+00:00

You’re still young and have time to find a better husband. Leave. This clearly isn’t a functional relationship.

[deleted] · 2018-02-15T14:43:15+00:00

So you had an affair but your upset he cheated? Kinda karmatic don't you think? You both fucked up. Nobody has leverage or moral high ground here either move on or move out. I have the feeling like both of you will always have lingering feelings of doubt about the relationship. IMO neither of you have a right to be upset about either cheating you both did it. Best of luck

PhaedrusHunt · 2018-02-15T16:26:00+00:00

It doesn't sound good. The two years as the other woman. His insecurity. His guilty conscience. Your suspicion. Him crying.

The whole thing sounds like a mess.

Sneaky behavior is unattractive.

Are you familiar with "fuck yes or no?more" Unless you want to be with him at the "fuck yes" level and he with you at the same level, then no. It's going to be too much to overcome.

MenLoveBitches · 2018-02-15T15:44:55+00:00

No one can answer if the relationship is worth it except for you. Is he irreplaceable to you? Is your history together more good than bad?

If he hurt you too much during your time together, and you could see yourself finding another man who makes you just as happy, then you have your answer. If he's someone special to you, no other man has made you as happy (assuming you've dated a few for comparison) and your shared life means a lot to you, then there's your answer.

Speaking as someone older and who approaches life very pragmatically, when I look back on my LTR of over a decade, at how both me and my spouse dated around when we were first together, it really means nothing at the moment. To me as a kid, it hurt to not be the only one for him, but from a logical standpoint the only concern with cheating is hygiene, and it's normal for a person to want to try people before settling on one. If he has been with other women and found that he prefers you, then there's nothing wrong with that IMHO. He didn't even do it manipulatively if he didn't tell you about it, he did it from a place of personal hurt because he felt insecure about your past partners. The biggest issue here as I see it was his dishonesty in not initially owning up to it until he knew you had evidence. That's what you two should work on if you stay together, but only you can know for sure what the issues are.

girlwithabike · 2018-02-15T16:02:45+00:00

Cheating does not have to end a relationship but it's very situational. In general I'm inclined to say that before marriage it's probably best to pack up and leave. However, in your BF's defense here: what you said in your post is that he did it at a time that you were struggling and had a fight/breakup. Friends spun an entire 6 or so seasons out of this idea of "is it cheating or were we on a break" back in the 90/00s. I'm sure that doesn't make it hurt you less, but in the decision to stay our go, you should probably consider the cheating from his end of things.

There are two things that you both have to decide now. The first is can you get over it. If you think you can then move forward with him. Understand though that you may want to get over it and not really be able to. If you find yourself looking at other men, not trusting him, putting massive restrictions on him, or thinking that you could cheat to balance it out....then end the relationship. That applies to having those feelings now or 6 months from now. You also need to determine if he can get over your relationship with his friend. If he can't do that then it sounds to me like the relationship is dead in the water no matter how much you both wish it were otherwise.

LateralThinker13 · 2018-02-15T18:48:57+00:00

EDITED due to clarification that OP did not cheat on her BF.

You may stay, or you may go. But regardless of whether you stay, you need to take a good, hard look at your own actions.

1) Deleted. You clarified later that you didn't cheat on the current partner.

2) You violated his privacy to look through his reddit account. This point still stands, and it isn't small, either. It means you don't respect his personal space and privacy, and that means you don't trust him. Your relationship is already on life support if you don't trust him.

Now, for his cheating. You appear not to consider context. You said:

In one of our fights/breakups he slept with another woman thinking it might help him feel better but he instantly realized what a mitt he had made and how he realized he missed me and loved me.

So while you were broken up/fighting, i.e. temporarily not BF/GF, he slept with another woman, hated it, felt bad, and it brought him back to you.

This isn't a red flag, this is a GOOD thing. Unlike you, he didn't betray you, he slept with someone else while broken up with you, AND it means he loves and wants you, not someone else. It sounds like he's loyal, and trying to work past it.

he's really lifted me when I was in some of my worst moments, but I'm afraid to leave and I'm afraid to stay. If I stay, what about my respect? will he do this again?

You're afraid to stay? Why? Because he isn't the cheating risk as far as I can see.

deep breath

Step one: you need to murder your hamster. It's a malignant 50-lb monster and out of control.

Seriously, you need to do some serious introspection and work on yourself. You're looking at a small infraction on his part and blowing it out of proportion. You're wondering if/when he's going to cheat when in his own private words it was a regret that he wanted to bury. Your "do I stay or do I go" looks to an outsider more like a "What will I do without him taking care of me, it would be so inconvenient" and less about him and your relationship.

I think you could have a very good relationship, but I also think that it will take a lot of work. Consider therapy. This isn't a dealbreaker unless you're just looking to make it into one.

lSquaredD1 · 2018-02-16T05:12:57+00:00

I read this as he cheated you on Valentine's Day and was aghast. Of all days, you do not cheat on your partner on St. Valentine's Day!

[deleted] · 2018-02-16T15:26:21+00:00

Per your post history this isn’t the first time you’ve went through his phone.

RedDespair · 2018-02-15T16:30:42+00:00

The good news is that he loves you.

The bad news is that the relationship will end at some point. Not because he cheated but because he cried like a bitch.

You won’t let go of that image and the fact that he cheated. Once you convince yourself that you can do better, you will dump him.

Hamstering 101

damiskajira · 2018-02-15T14:38:06+00:00

Your first question at the end of that was "If I stay, what about my respect?" Really? What about his?

teaandtalk · 2018-02-15T22:44:30+00:00

If you don't answer the important questions, how do we know what advice to give? How long have you two been together? [Edit] looked through your post history - eight months, sexual dysfunction, cheating, and he wants to be 'casual'? Yeah, no, this isn't the foundation for a healthy relationship.

My inclination is to let the relationship go, if he's always going to have his friend's words in his head about you, then that's baggage that's not worth dealing with in a new relationship. Go out and find someone else, and don't bang their married best friend then expect a trouble-free relationship.

Title	I found out on Valentine's Day my BF cheated on me a while back
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	0
Comments	30
Date	February 15, 2018 2:02 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7xqiy0/i_found_out_on_valentines_day_my_bf_cheated_on_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-found-out-on-valentines-day-my-bf-cheated-on-me.74264 https://theredarchive.com/post/74264

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