Advice needed please

loneliness-inc · 2018-05-18T12:08:12+00:00

I think I appeared uncomfortable because my fiancé stopped talking and told me just to think about it. I didn’t raise any concerns at the time because STFU.

No. This isn't the time to stfu. It's time to speak up. He can't possibly know how you feel if you don't tell him.

Let's give your fiance the benefit of the doubt and assume that he's very focused on trying to make this work for everyone that he didn't realize the potential issues.

Here in this post you clearly enumerate several potential issues. Remember what RPW always says - bring your captain the problem, not the solution!

girlwithabike · 2018-05-18T12:42:33+00:00

To start, I don't imagine your fiance is doing this solely to be a nice guy. He has his reasons for wanting to help this kid out. Do you know what they are and are you factoring it in? Is it possible that he cares about the kid and wants to see him and spend some time? Presumably, he watched this child grow up for a while.... and if I'm misinterpreting and this is your fiance's other son, then it shouldn't even need to be asked why he wants to spend time with the kid.

I don’t know if my fiancé factored in how much more we’ll need to spend on food, utilities, or entertainment.

I think this is somewhat valid, depending on how you are handling your finances. If your fiance is covering the cost of these bills, then it's on him to worry about. If you are splitting the bills, you need to ask yourself if the cost is worth it to make your fiance happy. If you are so tight that you truly don't feel comfortable adding the expense, then you need to bring that problem to your fiance.

IMO food and entertainment will be the bigger increases and utilities will likely be a minor uptick. Entertainment is controllable. Food is not.

Don't say "I don't think you considered it" say "I'm really scared that teenage boys require a lot of food and that I can afford it with my current budget".

If he is covering all the cost, then simply let him know that you will need an increase in the grocery store budget while both kids are there and could he get an idea from his ex of how much they eat so you know how much food to buy.

I’ll have double the amount of laundry, dishes, and food to cook all while his day doesn’t change at work

Cooking shouldn't be much harder for 4 than it is for 2. I cooked growing up when mom worked night shifts. There were 4 of us (without her). Now I cook for myself and my husband. Your fear isn't accurate here.

The laundry and the dishes, yeah maybe. Is it really an insurmountable amount of work to throw laundry in the washer and dishes in the dishwasher though? Even if it annoys you to no end, is it wrong to just be charitable to your man's desires on this one?

I think all these things are rationalizations for the fact that:

I’m not comfortable being responsible for someone’s adult kid.

You have feelings about this kid coming to visit and how you will handle it and everything else is your hamster trying to justify those feelings.

Tell your fiance that you are worried about this. Explain that this is a kid you barely know, you don't have a relationship or experience with him and you don't know how to handle the situation. You aren't really responsible for him legally if he's 18 and you are already being responsible for the younger son who is someone else's kid. So I'd advise you to dig deeper on what your actual feelings are before you take these feelings to your guy.

I'll even give you some validation here, I don't think it should be your responsibility to bring the kid home in the middle of the summer at all and I do think that you might end up put out (more work, less money, more responsibility) for the summer. I'd be apprehensive too. However, I think that you have to really pinpoint what it is that worries you, understand from your fiance why this is important to him and reconcile those two competing interests as best you can. Then take him your feelings or problems and trust him to figure it out.

This is a test of his leadership and your deference. If the issue is resolved in a way that you are not at all comfortable with, you can decide if you can follow this man for life. It's probably a really good thing to go through before you walk down the aisle.

Irishminer93 · 2018-05-18T13:46:46+00:00

Not talking about this issue will only foster resentment on some level and wont solve the issue. Men aren't mind readers so if you have a real issue, talk about it.

I would like to point out something that didn't make sense to me. The son is 18. He has the right to choose whether or not he wants to see his father, the mothers say so means nothing, if his son chooses not to see his father because he values his friend more than his father, that's on the son, not the mother or you.

There is a solution I see, if the friend and son want to stay at the house, they need to contribute to the house work. Given the fact that they want to spend more time together, they will agree. It's always good to give your husband the opportunity to come up with his own solution (especially given the fact that it's his son from a previous relationship), but if he can't see one, it's better to bring it up. As far as his son and the friend leaving and you not being able to stop them, bring it up (though it isn't really a problem more as something that you both need to recognize). I don't know how old the friend is, but if he's under 18 years old you'll definitely need to get in touch with his parents. There are a thousand and one ways to fix this problem, but if your husband doesn't know it's a problem, in his mind the problem doesn't exist.

aftertheafter-party · 2018-05-18T14:27:40+00:00

Can't you give the boys chores to help with cooking prep, clean-up, & laundry? An 18-yo should learn to do things like that for himself, & older children should contribute to the family IMHO.

Not sure I'm clear on your concern about the older one getting up & leaving the house, & you not being able to stop him. An adult child should be fully within their rights to leave the house; although you & your fiancé should set up "house rules" such as curfew / having guests over / etc.

Regarding costs, will the boys do any work over the summer? Will the "ex" be willing to contribute to food costs for her son to stay?

If you can absorb this, I think you should. However, you should talk this out with your fiancé.

onlinelauren · 2018-05-18T11:52:10+00:00

Honestly, and I don't know a way to say this that doesn't sound rude, but grow up.

One extra plate is not too much. An extra pair of pants and a shirt every day is not too much.

Maybe, instead of dreading something that isn't even happening yet, you could attempt to see this from your husband's POV. What if the roles were reversed? That is HIS child, not a stranger.

Maybe you have a great opportunity to bond with him. Sounds like his mom might be a piece of work. How badass of you would it be to just get over yourself and support your husband's desire to spend time with his kid?

Be the bigger person, please!! That kid might need you, and it sounds like you could use an opportunity to step up and show what a catch you are.

Kiddingyoself · 2018-05-18T16:03:01+00:00

I fail to see how it’s my responsibility... an adult man...

I wanted to mention this point.. His child is an 18 year old man. Inviting him to stay is a bit different than if he were a dependent. I would assume his 18 year old son would do his own laundry, dishes, etc.? ~~If not, maybe~~ it's worth at least talking about. What is expected of him. It is worth knowing for any younger children the two of you are responsible for, and this will be an example for them.

It may not address your concerns, but I'd suggest discussing this with your fiance. Getting on the same page about what the 18 year old will be responsible for, including setting an acceptable example for younger children.

AsOctoberFalls · 2018-05-18T11:35:38+00:00

You will be doing laundry, cooking, and cleaning anyway. Is it really that much extra work to add one more person? And will it really make a serious dent in your finances? If so, you have bigger problems.

Now, if you’re uncomfortable with the prospect of him being in your space or being responsible for his entertainment, then I could see that as a valid concern. But if you present the financial or extra work concerns to your fiancé, he may just think you’re grasping at straws and, frankly, being kind of petty.

Also, it’s not your responsibility to drive the boy, at all. But you are soon to be the helpmeet to your fiancé, so this is something you could do to help him.

Dark_Lord_A · 2018-05-18T14:01:53+00:00

How bout you just tell him no? Guys don't like it when we can just walk all over women.

LateralThinker13 · 2018-05-22T18:13:28+00:00

Ask the ex - or your husband - how the ex would feel if YOU were to come stay with her for a month. Would she feed you? Do your laundry? Make sure you're properly taken care of? If yes, would she expect no pay/recompense for all of that effort? If no (which is likely), then why should you do the same?

This is the easiest way to get through to a self-centered, vindictive woman. Make her see it through how it would impact HER (because she doesn't give a damn about you).

Title	Advice needed please
Author	threauxaweigh_
Upvotes	19
Comments	38
Date	May 18, 2018 10:02 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8kc0dq/advice_needed_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/advice-needed-please.74718 https://theredarchive.com/post/74718

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