Tldr: Lost attraction while living together with girlfriend because she was lazy and too attached. Moved apart. Always was on top of my shit and never stopped improving. She always wanted to get more affection, more validation because of her insecurities. I did not give her more. Didn’t break up because I loved her, even if I had options. On personal level, everything was perfect. Started drifting apart. When I realized it, it was too late.

As the title says, I'm going through a breakup. Been together with her for 3,5 years, lived together with her for two years and then moved apart because living with her was too much for me. She was so attached to me, always tried to get more love from me, alway commited more than I was. I was her everything. She barely had any friends and hobbies. To some degree, it felt good that she needed me more than I needed her. Eventually I was sick of seeing her doing nothing all day and lost attraction because of it. Often refused her approaches to sleep with me or be intimate.

Thought moving apart was the solution. According to trp I thought that she would lose attraction when we spend too much time together, but it was the other way round. I always kept myself busy, went my own way, never stopped improving, never put her on a pedestal, did not make her my everything.

Moving apart fixed the issues from my side. Finally had my own space again and could focus on myself instead of her problems. She kept chasing me, wanted me to show her more love but I did not commit to it fully. She felt that imbalance. I hoped by living alone she would learn to take responsibility for herself but she didn't. Her room was always messy and she neglected her duties while I kept succeeding socially and personally. In fact, I was so busy that I stopped doing exciting activities with her. I didn't want to commit more. I didn't fear losing her. Maybe a bit too much. The relationship had lower priority for me because I knew she'd never leave and even if she would, I would be alright because I had my own life.

I don't really understand what comfort tests are, but on christmas she pranked me by telling me she was pregnant. It was a catastrophe for me since we were students and I was not ready for it. She saw that. When exams came, I hardly had time. She talked to me twice telling me that she is not happy because I don't show her enough emotions, love and appreciation. I did not feel like doing so. I had enough stress because of university and just had no power to deal with it at that moment. It annoyed me that she always demanded more commitment from my side, but at the same time wouldn't improve herself or make her more attractive to me. So I wasn't. I didn't want to chase her. When she pulled back, I pulled back too. But I hoped it would make her chase me more again.

One part of my exams were acrobatics because I study sports. I had to prepare a choreography with a girl I was studying with. Spending time with her was such a delight change. Always had such fun with her, met her twice every week for some hours. But we kept our business focused on university stuff and only met to train for our exam. Also she had a boyfriend too. Spending time with her showed me how easy and fun things could/should be when you spend time together. In contrast, when I met up with my girlfriend, it was rather exhausting. There was a problem in the room but we tried to ignore it. Yet I still loved her and could not break up with her, because on a personal level, we never had any problems. Got along so well with family and friends, no shit tests (except for the huge christmas prank). I hoped with the automatic dread that came with meeting this girl and working out with her she would start seeing me as the price again and just work for it so I'd start commiting more too.

Instead she pulled back even more. Her behavior towards me changed. She didn't look at me the same way as before. Frequency of sex decreased. I rationalized it because she switched birth control methods and I thought it was due to hormonal issues. At some point, her sex drive was back, but it was just a short burst. I felt something was off. She became more active on social media. Dyed her hair red (new hair color, new me?). She began vocalizing feminist ideas. Looked at her phone often when we spent time together. I didn't care much.

Yet I couldn't resist the urge to go through her whatsapp. Found nothing. That made me think it's not too late. Exams were over, my head was clear and I realised that I did not want to lose her. When we had "the talk" I presented her my ideas on how we could fix things. Summer was there, covid restrictions were lessened and I had a huge rush of energy and free time that I now was willing to put in the relationship. Going on exciting dates and spark things up again was what I wanted to do. But it was too late. She told me that her romantic feelings were gone.

Now I'm angry at myself that I did not realize that she began breaking up with me on christmas. Or even when we moved out. I'm angry at myself that I neglected her emotional needs and let things go south. I have too much free time now that exams are over and I'm getting caught up in my head over the mistakes I made. I thought I would be ok with losing her, until I lost her.

It's been 3 days since the breakup. I surrounded myself with friends, luckily I have plenty of good ones and a stable family who is there for me. But when I'm alone, it sucks. She lives a two minute walk away from my apartment, which sucks. I somehow can't focus on the things that made me lose attraction, on her flaws and mistakes. I give myself all the fault and I'm angry at myself that I couldn't make it work. That I could not make her work. That I could not make her get her ass up and do things like I did. I had no energy left to condition her because I was too busy with my own stuff. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

I know I will be alright at some point. But right now, I hate myself. I thought I was on top of my shit and implemented TRP strategies correctly. Did not make her my everything, even though she wanted nothing more than that. Did not stop improving myself. Implemented dread game. Focused on myself. Did not give in when she wanted me to change. I do not exactly know what comfort tests are, but maybe the reason why she started to lose attraction was that she had a feeling that she could not hold on to me and not get kids or marriage. I don't know.