It's really hard because my entire identity revolved around male validation for quite some time and if I were to be completely honest I'm still a pickmeisha at times. If I were to pinpoint to a particular reason as cliche as it sounds my dad was very emotionally abusive and cruel towards me and my mom I begged for his attention and then he would be nice for a moment and go cold the next I could never figure out what I've done wrong and I was always scared to do anything.

Puberty hit, the social dynamics between girls and guys shifted and it gave me a new chance at having someone care for me. I didn't get physical with anyone even till now because I know guys leave when they get what they want so instead I tried to do everything else apart from sex to make them like me. Many of them really were infatuated with me in the beginning but grew distant with time. Then the more they backed away the more intense and desperate I got.

So I did the next biggest pick me thing that I was moderately comfortable with. I started sending nudes and tried to be as interesting as possible but they wanted more and I wasn't comfortable so I said no and then our conversations went to me making all the effort.

I am sick of being such a pick me and my mom also thinks there's something wrong with me because I can't get a guy so she told me to lower my standards so that I can be happy with someone who'd treat me right and she's right. I always go for good looking assholes because I'm scared of commitment it's easy to like people when they just want things casual with you because they'd never really like you.

Can someone refer some self help book or any piece of advice to help me be my own person. I try really hard but I fall back in this pit.