Learning how to not gaf about pleasing men

outgrabed-momerath · 2021-03-12T19:25:57+00:00

I feel you. I was a late bloomer - I came into my looks in my 20s and was first surprised, then pleased with the amount of attention I got from men. Then, I grew very very tired of it. Every guy says the same thing and none of it has to do with liking me. Looks don't make men care for you or respect you or protect you. Quite the opposite.

I used to smile in passing at men, or compliment their shirt, or hold long conversations about their interests. I used to give men hugs when they asked for them, and buy treats for guy friends, and listen to their problems. I used to wax, and dress in the jeans that "make my butt look great", and wear non offending makeup (you know, the 'natural' look that involves 8 cosmetic products).

I don't do any of that shite now. And I'm so happy.

It is so liberating to not give a damn about what a rando guy expects you to be. My confidence does not come from them and they can sense that. Their attention is cheap and boring and ends in trauma.

Sanne592 · 2021-03-12T19:11:22+00:00

Thanks for writing your rant. It saddens me that I recognise myself in this, but that is the sad truth of our society. Back then it felt like a compliment, now I get sick thinking back to it. I feel like we’re systematically being groomed. It took me so, so many years to see it.

We’re not alone, and we’re opening our eyes. I’m glad to have my sisters here, and to know I’m not alone. I hope we’ll rise up together and take the next step, and change our society for the better. We deserve better.

Laaulapaau · 2021-03-12T20:09:09+00:00

I came to these realizations about 8 years ago; when I was 25, so about the age you are now.

I had just moved to Southern California by myself, didn’t have a car, so i walked or used public transit alone for the first time.

And I realized, like you are, that I was essentially a fresh piece of meat, that men would constantly undress me with their eyes and not be subtle at all about it. And I noticed them doing it to all young women everywhere. It was really disconcerting and I was scared and I spent a number of years just making bad decisions with men including getting married to a LVM when I was 28.

And then I got into therapy at 29 and started working through it, I started reading all the classic books from 2nd wave feminism, I started reading anything I could find about gender theory and about heterosexual relationships (my ex of course refused therapy and refused to read the books) so finally we divorced right before my 30th birthday.

I am now 33. The past three years have been pure boundary work, and it is NO JOKE.

I am constantly confronted with boundary situations where I know that I can either keep my mouth shut and cross my boundaries, then pay for it later through emotional disturbance and physical symptoms, OR I can use my words and hold firm boundaries. Every time this happens I know: this is a chance to either level UP or to level DOWN.

Now. In the past three years, I have been fired because of this commitment and lost a few contracts and “friends” because of it. My family doesn’t really want much to do with me anymore, and all of these things have hurt.

This is to be expected; it is necessary.

But also: my dreams have come true; I live in a little cottage in the mountains of Hawaii; I own a thriving small business, I’m able to grow my own food and so many flowers and herbs, I have time freedom and financial freedom. I travel frequently, and my life is filled with interesting people who respect me. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am wise. I am a sovereign woman.

And you can be too.

Start with boundary work. Do not keep your mouth shut, speak your truth EACH and EVERY time you feel someone trying to take from or exploit you. Sometimes this can just be a calm cool stare at an asshole who is staring at you.

Young feminine energy is the most potent substance on planet earth. Everyone wants to exploit this valuable resource and that’s why the world is set up so that men can do so- it’s the “fuel” that men have used for millennia to power their own ambitions

MAKE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE

You will always come out on top. There have been times when I didn’t know how I’d make it, financially, unless I allowed myself to be exploited. There have been times I didn’t want to speak up to a boyfriend, or a friend. But every time I have done so I have been fully supported and you will be too. Align yourself with the frequency of universal love and justice and you won’t be able to lose.

Much love little sister.

_queeeen_ · 2021-03-13T02:59:56+00:00

Congrats on your newfound freedom from male validation! It sounds like you’re doing it right to work on your healing and self-worth. Just keep choosing yourself everyday. Keep interrogating your experiences and impressions of the world. Remember that YOU are the gatekeeper and get to decide whether to internalize some man’s opinion of you. Take none of that as truth. YOU define your own truth. Keep it up. You’ll look back at this in 6 months, a year and be so grateful. 💕

U_nhoely · 2021-03-13T03:31:07+00:00

Goodness does this post hit home

I personally think my need for Male validation came from the insecurities that I had as a child. From a young age everyone kept on commenting on my weight and appearance and a day never went by where I didn't feel ugly. So once I lost some of that weight, transitioned more into an adult and became "desirable" I lived for all the attention I got from men. I would go out of my way to make sure I would be noticed.

Insecurities mixed with a touch of daddy issues fueled my love for toxic men. Accepting the bare minimum from a guy and then getting cheated on became a norm and with each relationship I lost my self worth.

Obviously things are a lot different now but I'm still healing.

Title	Learning how to not gaf about pleasing men
Author	twisdom12
Upvotes	140
Comments	8
Date	March 12, 2021 5:50 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m3myz0/learning_how_to_not_gaf_about_pleasing_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/learning-how-to-not-gaf-about-pleasing-men.767850 https://theredarchive.com/post/767850

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